Yesterday, I walked around the city alone. It felt good. It felt perfect. I was surrounded by everybody, and was a nobody like them. Just a faceless figure in a crowd of nothing. But this crowd of nothing, it's full of something.
I don't know what I'm saying. I just really enjoyed my time alone. I walked around many streets, explored some I've never been into, and wandered around and got lost a bit. Good thing I've the navigational skills of a pilot.
A very good pilot, I mean.
It felt good. Walking alone. Just thinking by myself about things. The city, as faceless and metallic as it is, welcomes me and my thoughts with open arms. The breeze - can I capture it and blow it into my room? Wind, wind, wind, come and surround me, and hug me tightly.
I've talked to Yvonne and Ms Cath a little bit about religion and faith. I know that their own personal replies will not answer my own personal questions - but I guess I could say that they form the research framework that I need?
I'm trying to do what Yvonne mentioned, just talking and unloading everything to God. Everything. (It was her that suggested it, yes, no? My brain needs to sleep...) It feels good to do it. Not necessarily having to articulate my thoughts out to Him - just think it, and let Him translate it. That takes off a little stress. I can't explain my feelings or thoughts now, but I can think it out. God can work from there.
It's going to take me a long time to really assess and understand my faith. And not just that - my feelings, my thoughts, and myself too.
Am I sounding like a personal development pamphlet now? Haha, I feel like I'm expressing my honest thoughts dishonestly. These genuine feelings I have, how can I show them without coming across as badly rehearsed?
My formal is this Friday. I can't say I'm really excited for it. Troublesome - hair, makeup, shoes, dress.....
Should I be excited? It's just one night. Just play dress-up, sit at a table, and be a wallflower? I am a pessimistic soul...
It doesn't seem special to me. I don't know, should it? It doesn't anymore. Months ago, it seemed like a really exciting thing - I was going to get a beautiful dress, look like princess-bride, and have the best night of the year. And now, just one night away, it seems like it's going to be a very hollow, meaningless night.
I had asked Vern to be my partner for the formal - twice, in fact. First time in January, the 7th, about a week after the reunion where I last saw him.
2/7/2009 5:20:03 AM v є я я - wan me be ur date?
2/7/2009 5:20:05 AM v є я я - lets goo !
And then again on the 16th of May. Just because I'm a persistant little girl. But he wasn't going to come in July, it was decided. But I live on hope.
5/16/2009 2:17:27 AM v є я я - bought it for my cousin's wedding dinner
5/16/2009 2:17:43 AM v є я я - i danced with my mom on the stage
5/16/2009 2:17:45 AM v є я я - ==
5/16/2009 2:17:56 AM v є я я - she was like on the stage demonstrating
5/16/2009 2:18:01 AM v є я я - den we all had a dance-off
5/16/2009 2:18:09 AM v є я я - then she called me up
5/16/2009 2:18:20 AM v є я я - i simply dance like those 70's
5/16/2009 2:18:23 AM v є я я - hahahah hillarious
5/16/2009 2:18:32 AM RouYuan (neighbor is down, woot!) ahahaha
5/16/2009 2:18:34 AM RouYuan (neighbor is down, woot!) need videos!
5/16/2009 2:19:48 AM RouYuan (neighbor is down, woot!) i wanna see you dancing
5/16/2009 2:30:40 AM v є я я - LOL
5/16/2009 2:30:40 AM v є я я - noooo
5/16/2009 2:31:53 AM RouYuan (neighbor is down, woot!) fiinneee
5/16/2009 2:34:22 AM v є я я - if some miracle happen
5/16/2009 2:34:27 AM v є я я - end up in aussy by ur formal
5/16/2009 2:34:30 AM v є я я - dance with u la
What miracle can I expect this Friday? It will be a lonely night for me. I was talking to Zoe a little bit about it. She said something about me being disappointed because I had expectations...(sleep-deprived brain refuses to recall exact words...)
I am worried. Will I sit there in the formal, and realize that I am by myself? I think my friends will be busy having a good time - maybe I can find a no-dancing-just-sitting-and-eating partner to accompany me. If not - the walls have ears, and shall hear my secrets.
Or my triple chocolate dessert.
It will be a lonely night.
I don't feel sad when I remember memories of Vern. I feel happy, lucky, and blessed that I got to have them at all - what have I done to deserve them? But what makes me sad is when I think of all the dreams and hope I had. I think I can say that I had already planned out a year's worth of things for us to do (but knowing him, he'd go through it all in a month...).
The formal was just another dream I had. At first, it was that he would be my partner for the night, keeping me company, and dragging me to dance. When it was decided that was impossible, I decided to myself - have the best night, and then report the good news to him (and call him to surprise him).
It feels tiring to have to bury a dream.
It will be a very lonely night.
I need to go over my old conversations with Vern, pluck out some choice quotes, and send them over to the sister. I keep telling myself to do it soon, but the time never seems right. This seems like something that should be done with a lot of time and consideration. Maybe I'll post them up here and link it to her? I need to think of the best way to present it - convenience...
His family is amazing. Very open, very friendly. I want to write more on them - and will, in the big upcoming post about my holiday in Malaysia - but I will summarize them with a question: how can a family who has lost so much still be willing to give so much? I felt very shy and quiet around them - didn't say as much as I would've liked to. But regrets are meaningless - throw them away instantly.
Resolutions of the now:
- Start reading the Purpose Driven Life
- Talk more with God
- Start going to church (???)
- Clean up desk
- Make time for going through old conversations with Vern
- Guitar!!!
- Study! Even harder!! Maths....
- Do my best to have a good night on Friday
- Piano!!
shout unto god with a voice of triumph...shout unto god with a voice of praise...shout unto god wih a voice of triumph...we lift your name up~we lift your name up!
Even in this time where I feel I need to really scrutinize, reassess, dissect, and unravel the mystery of my faith, there are three things that bind me tightly to my faith, my belief - three moments that makes me so sure God is with me. When I'm listening to a good song of worship, when I'm writing, and when I'm alone outdoors.
Maybe I should try doing all three at once? Haha.
I want to write more on my feelings and thoughts. What I am feeling now - how can I capture it with words? I want to pen it down and keep it for memories, for my writings, for references...for reflection. For life? I need to try being more honest with myself...
good night, Vern
1 comment:
Keep it up. I'm sure he's watching over you.
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