Dear Yu Vern,
I had this belief that everything happens for a reason, that in the ultimate end, every action, every reaction, everything would lead to some greater end, some higher purpose. Something good.
I don't know what I believe anymore.
You can’t be dead.
You said I'd be your first and your last. That was supposed to be a lie, that should have never happened. I shouldn't be your last. This should've never happened.
I don't know what I'm typing anymore. I don't know why I'm typing.
I love you more than anything. You were far from perfect, but flaws are what make people human. And you were more human and more alive than anyone else I knew, and I loved you for it.
I was the first one to say 'I love you', and I really meant it, though I think you never really believed me. I meant it. It was a different sort of love back then though. But that was my highest capacity for loving you then. I loved you with all my heart, with every bit of my childish being.
I still feel the same way. I still have that amount, and more, of childish, whole-hearted love for you. I wanted, I still want, so much to spend the rest of our days together, where I can just keep growing my love for you.
That was what was supposed to happen.
I was already planning our first date. You told me to, since you didn't know where to go here. And I was already planning it, six months ahead. Maybe a little early, but I had to work out the details. I was waiting to suggest my plans to you. Waiting for a few more months time, when the day you would be coming here would be closer. That way, I wouldn't seem so pathetic for planning so early. I had a Korean restaurant in mind. I wanted to ask you whether you liked Korean. And then we'd go for ice cream. Maybe we'd just share one, or we'd get separate, and I'd steal some from yours just to annoy you.
I wanted to go shopping with you. God knows you probably have a better sense of shopping than me. I wanted to watch a billion movies and dramas with you.
I just wanted to waste time with you. I just wanted to live with you.
I daydreamed, often, too often, about what it'd be like when we met again finally. It'd probably be in a train station, most likely Flinders, in the city, and it's a busy day with everyone everywhere. I'd be somewhere by the steps, waiting for you, impatiently and nervously.
What happened next always changed in my head. Sometimes I'd call you, freaking out and asking whether you were coming or not. Sometimes you'd call me, asking where the hell I was, and why couldn't you find me.
But then, we'd meet, and then we'd hug. We'd hug to make up for lost time. We'd hug to make up for everything. Our past, our fights, our stupid differences, the distance that kept us. We'd -- at least, I would -- forget everything. Forget all that. I'd just be hugging you because I could, because I wanted to, because somewhere at the back of my head, this was meant to be.
You were already talking about kissing me. We were already planning our first kiss. A vague plan, where the only thing certain was that it'd have to be under the stars. And then last night, I told you you had to kiss me and catch me offguard, or else I'll be too nervous and I might run away giggling.
And then I told you, last night, to not rush things. Don't kiss me too soon. I'm not ready for that. And you told me that your timing would be perfect.
I want to kiss you.
When I told people about you liking me, me liking you, I was afraid that they'd doubt I really liked you. I don't know whether people knew how much I had vested in you. But you knew, I know you did, and that's all that matters to me.
I loved you something stupid. It's difficult for me to define this feeling. I feel something for you that I don't feel for anyone else, something I never ever felt before. Something I didn't even know was possible. I don't know if it can be called love. I think it is. I was trying very hard to be complete mature and practical and logical about this, and was trying to tell myself that it was too soon for it to actually be love. I'm too young, you're too young, we're both too stupid to grasp that meaning of love yet. You understood this, thank God. But this feeling, if it's not love, this is the closest I've ever been.
I knew that I'd know when I was in love when I felt something happened in my heart. And something happened in my heart. It happened 6 years ago. It happened again and again every time we spoke.
But you were meant to come here and confirm it for me. We were going to meet face-to-face and I was going to feel fluttery and squishy inside, and I was going to be a puddle of goo just like I always am around you. I was supposed to figure out what this feeling was, for sure, as an undeniable truth. You'd come here, we'd go out, and time would tell me the meaning of this feeling. It might be love, it might be something else. Whatever it was, I wanted to find out with you. I wanted you to help me figure out this feeling, what it was and what it meant. Maybe you'd figure out your own feelings for me as well.
You were always confident in yourself, and you probably were confident in this feeling as well. So maybe you don't need time to figure out what this feeling was.
I won't ever know now.
You made me feel alive. You really did. You made me feel like I could conquer the world, that I was smart enough to do it, that I could do anything I wanted. You made me feel like I was special. That I was unique, that I was sweet, that I was pretty.
When I was with you, you made me feel an array of emotions I never felt before, with anyone else. I felt happy, so happy, so nervous, so insecure, so giddy, so excited. You were the spark that jumpstarted my heart.
Did I ever make you feel that way? I tried. I really tried. But I can't know what really goes on in your head. You told me that I knew you more than anyone else did. And I believe that. But there's still so much of you that I want to know, things I want to ask, things I want to learn through time with you.
Last night, before you left for your round trip around the island, you told me to sms you before I went to bed. I did, but you never replied. I waited for your reply, and went to bed wondering why you didn't send me anything. You always replied me, saying you missed me, that you wanted to hug me, and that you hoped I would dream of you as I sleep. But you didn't last night. I guess it makes sense now.
I still have every sms we sent each other. I never deleted them. Just like how I never got rid of any of our old msn conversations. Even the ones from 7 years ago, I still have them all.
I never got to hug you. Despite all our constant mutual wishes of hugging each other, we never hugged. Ever before. When we met again last year, and you were sitting by my leg, and I was trying to not be so shy, to talk to you...and then Julian turned down my hug, and asked you to hug me instead. You looked at me, like you were trying to decide whether you should or not. You didn't.
Later when we talked, it turned out that you did want to hug me. But didn't because I looked like I didn't want one.
I did want one. I really did.
I can't help but envy the others. Sophira, Yvonne, Megan, Terrence, Julian. I envy them because they got to spend more time with you in person. Perhaps I did know you more than they did, but they did get to spend more time with you face-to-face.
I was planning to make up for that when you came here. We'd go out, we'd stay in. We'd waste time together, and then I'd force us to study because we had to get good jobs so that we'd be swimming in money when we were older. I still remember that dumb conversation we had months and months ago, when you told me that since I was the smarter one, I'd go out and earn all the money while you stayed home and cooked for me. And then I argued that you were the man, so you had to work. And then we both compromised on both working and earning lots of money, and then retiring early with lots of bikes for you and me.
And I also remember when you just suddenly asked me, "so when are we getting married?" You were random, and I was stunned. And I replied with "why so random?", but what I really wanted to say was "one day, in the future, when we're older."
It's not that I was already setting our wedding date or anything like that. I wasn't writing down Mrs. Lim Yu Vern everywhere. It's just that...I can't see myself with anyone else. There really is no one else like you. You asked me last night if I was glad that I had a guy like you. And I am. I really am.
There's so many things I had yet to tell you. Stupid things, like that my dad had just bought me a bike, so that means we can go bike riding together like we planned. You were meant to be the one in my romantic bicycle-riding dream. I made that dream for you, but you never knew about it. And then, I was meant to tell you how much you meant to me. I think, I hope, that I made it clear through our conversations, through how much I cared for you. But I wanted to say it out, clear and direct, just because I knew you loved it when I was absolutely honest and absolutely brave like that.
If there was anything I could do for you, I'd do it in a heartbeat. If there was anything I could say that could bring you next to me, I'd say it in an instant, I'd scream it into the world. I just wish you knew how much I felt for you.
You were supposed to take me on my first date. You were supposed to be my first kiss. You were supposed to be the first person I ever fell in love with. And I wanted so badly to be the first person you fell in love with. That was our plan. That was our dream. That was our hope.
I really thought you were the one.
I wanted you to take care of me. I already depended on you. And I wanted to take care of you.
I want so badly to feel like you're watching over me in heaven, that you're somehow looking after me still. I want to feel you, like that you're right next to me, watching me right now as I'm typing this. I want to feel that you're hugging me, to make up for last year when you thought I didn't want one. I want to feel something. I don't feel anything. I feel sad, I feel helpless, I feel above all empty.
I want to rip out my heart. As strange as it sounds, I keep putting my hand over my heart, just trying to see whether it's still there. I don't know why.
I want to be where you are. I want you to be where I am. I want to show you how much I love you. I need you right here right now
My words are meaningless in the grand scheme of things, but I mean every word, and they're all I have to give you now.
The one person who made my life worth something got his own taken away.
I love you.
I want you.
I need you.
I miss you.
I can't stop shaking. I don't know why. You were my world. You are my world. You were my damn world and you were everything in it, and you gave meaning to everything.
I'm going to do something wrong. I'm going to jump off a cliff, I'd going to cut myself, I'm going to hit someone. Not because I want to, but because I need to. But I won't, and you know the reason why I won't.
It’s going to be Monday after tomorrow, and I can't believe it is, because I'm going to have to go to school and somehow go on with everything. I don't know how I can do that. I think you'd want me to, but I don't know how.
I want to keep doing things and learning things. I know you'd want me to. I'll keep practicing the piano, because you wanted me to play for you when you came here, even though I'm terrible and told you so. I'll learn how to cook steak because you liked it, and I'll improve that purple beetroot chocolate cake you asked me to cook for you even though it doesn't taste very nice. I am not going to become an umbrella girl however, even though you wanted me to, because I won't be able to be your umbrella girl.
I am dishonest, I am naive, I am selfish, I am insane. I never deserved you at all. I never understood why you felt anything for me, though it was quite obvious why I felt something for you.
I thought we had all the time in the world, that's why I wanted to not rush things. I wanted us to take our time. I was the one who jumped into things too quickly last time, and I didn't want this to turn out the same way. I said we had to go slow because why should we rush? You were going to be a part of my life till I die, and you still are, but not in the way I want.
You enjoyed life, and you lived with no regrets. I scorned and scolded you for being so careless at times, for not thinking before acting, but I was jealous at the same time. People said we were opposites, and we are, we absolutely are, but we somehow worked well together. Vern and Roanne didn't make much sense, but you and me did.
There's one thing I have to comfort me, and that's the realization that I treasured every moment I had with you. Sometimes I hear people mourn the fact that they've always took for granted the time they had with a person. I never did take you for granted. Every second I had with you was something ridiculously amazing, even if it was just you greeting me with 'yuan yuan!!!!'
Every time I went online, and then a conversation box popped up, and I'd see that you were the first person to greet me...those little things were what made my day. And then when you'd randomly sms me, even when your message was just "=)", my day would just fall into place and I'd spin right through the hours thinking only of you.
We were meant to webcam on Friday night. I wanted to see you again. I wanted you to tease me and ask me whether you looked handsome or not, and I wanted to say 'no, you don't' because you'd get huffy and you'd look so cute. And you knew I was lying. I was so transparent around you. Or maybe you always just knew what was going through my mind?
I swear, I thought you were a mind-reader at times. You'd just suddenly say something, something that I was thinking of at that exact moment, hit me in the right spot, and break me down into a babbling idiot. I was genuinely worried, sometimes. It was uncanny how perfectly timed the things you said were. Like when I was going to ask something, some serious question that had been bugging me for days, and then you'd just suddenly pre-empt me and bring up the topic. I was worried you actually could read my mind. I felt like I had to close off some of my thoughts, because I didn't want you to see them yet.
I want to open my mind and heart right now, and pour everything out to you.
I feel like such a fake. I'm feeling so much right now. But I can't express anything. People say they're sorry and offer their condolences, and all I can say is that it's not their fault. It's not, but I wish it was so I could blame them. The words I'm typing now seem so fake even though I mean everything. I just don't know what to say. I just don't know what to do.
I wish God would stop time, throw the two of us into the same world, even for just one minute. I'd say 'I love you' and I'd hug you. The two things I've been waiting to do to you, but never did because I'm too shy and too scared.
I want to see you again. We were supposed to webcam tonight to make up for yesterday.
I want you back more than anything. If you were alive, even if you didn’t remember a thing about me, or hated me, or didn’t care about me, that’d be enough. I just want you alive. I will sound incredibly selfish, but I don’t want you to be with God, I want you to be with me. People tell me not to worry, that you’re in a better place and you’re watching over me. And I just can’t bring myself to be even remotely comforted by that. I don’t want you in heaven, I want you with me. I don’t want you watching over me, I want you living with me.
I loved you like a friend, then a best friend, then a brother, then a kindred spirit. And now I love you like a soulmate. Then, now, and forever, you are my soulmate.
I'm trying very hard to be okay and be calm. It seems to be working, because people seem to think I am, much to their disgust and shock. I don't want them to worry about me, and I don't want you to worry about me. But you might be worrying anyway, because you always could figure out my feelings and read my mind. I have exams next week. I don't know what I'm going to do. I have a piano lesson on Tuesday. I hate how things just keep going on. I want to stop time. I want many things. I want you, most of all.
I should be ending this letter. It's too long. If you read this, you'd probably give up halfway and tell me to just hug you instead. Or maybe you'd put up with it and actually read everything. You somehow put up with all my nonsense. I don't know how to end this though. I don't want to say R.I.P.. I want you to be in peace, but to actually say that feels like I'm saying goodbye. I'm still clinging to some hope that this is all some pathetic joke, or a mistake, or that a miracle will happen and you'll come back and everything will be normal.
I remember sort of complaining to Sophira that you shouldn't have confessed to me that you liked me when you did. I mean, at that time, I had exams in a month and had to focus. Logically, you would've only been a distraction, though you're the best possible distraction I could ever ask for. But then, this accident happened.
You died exactly two weeks after telling me. Apparently the time of your death still isn't conclusive. But you died early morning, before 7, on Saturday. You confessed to me you liked me early morning, before 7, on Saturday the 16th. You spent all of Friday night, the 15th, being coy and hinting, and then you confessed on Saturday, when I was totally sleep-deprived but was waiting just for you to say those words.
You were right. Your timing is perfect. It really was. Those two weeks we had when we were totally honest and totally bare-hearted to each other were the most sweetest, forthright, and downright loving I've ever been with anyone. If you had waited till after my exams, I never would've been blessed with those two weeks.
This still isn't real for me. I've always been bad at accepting reality. I'm too used to living in my own world of daydreams. The thing is, you were the most important character in both my world of daydreams, and this world of reality. You were the prince, the best friend, the dreamboat boy.
I always worried about you when you went off on those rides, and I told you to be careful and be safe. You told me you liked it when I was being a protective mother hen. I should've been more protective. You were so passionate whenever you spoke about your rides though, and you said your bike was your first love. I couldn't hold you back from that, I knew it wouldn't be right. Now I wonder if it would've made any difference if I had been selfish and told you to make me your first love, not your bike.
I say I wish you were here, and I wish this never happened, and I've never wished so hard before. People are saying it, but I don't think they're wishing hard enough, because it's not coming true and you're not coming back. I've been desperate before, I've been completely desperate and pleading for fate to change, but now I'm beyond desperate. There might be a word for this, but I don’t know it. I want to make a deal with God to bring you back, but I can’t, and that’s killing me.
You're still alive. You are. You're in my heart, you're in my mind, you're in my memories, you're in my everything. You’re not dead.
Our sweet secrets. Our eager promises. The beautiful moments. Our feelings, mutual and strong. And now, my crumbling, trembling heart, and I can't hide anymore.
When we meet again, I will do three things, I promise you. First, I will hug you. Second, I will kiss you. And finally, I will say I love you.
I don’t know if I’ll be allowed to do that. But I will try. I will make my promise come true.
I'm finishing this letter, but that doesn't mean I'm done with you. There's so much more to say. But I can't find the words to say it just yet. I really miss you, so please wait for me, like you promised you would. I’m holding onto this promise. Always.
I love you.
Love,
Your yuan yuan
I want to remember him the way he was, and I want everyone to remember him. I wrote this last night. I think I still don't quite understand things right now. I can't let go.
