drunken insomnia

I remind myself now: victories occur in small steps. Small little things are happening to me, and I must be ready to either accept them or challenge them! Next Monday, my results are released. My honest, genuine feelings are these: doubt, fear, anxiety, and...hmm...it is endless.

But now! I will adopt the following thoughts, reciting them until they become true: cheerfulness, perseverance, determination, optimism, and unbreakable willpower.

Sometimes it's a little hard to change your thoughts from pessimism to optimism. And I guess I don't know the secret to it either. But maybe, maybe, maybe the secret is to get drunk. Drunk in spirit, not in fact. Drink in all of what you desire to be: happy, outgoing, cheerful, determined. Find whatever feeds that spirit of whatever you desire, and drink it so much that you are at ease with it. Don't drink too much, otherwise you'll have a hangover, and you'll regret it. Regret is something you must now throw away, if you want to change, or simply, if you want to live a life of happiness. Drink in moderation and with regularity, so that you neither overdose nor starve yourself of your required alcohol.

I drank a little bit of alcohol a few days ago, and again during my stay in Malaysia. In Malaysia, it was red wine that came with a dinner set. A few days ago, my family went to a whiskey brewery, and there, the staff gave me a glass of whiskey, mistakenly thinking that I was over 18.

I hate alcohol. It is disgusting. How do you drink it? It stings your tongue, burns its way down your throat, and leaves you with a buzzing feeling, like something's not quite right and you need to fix it but you don't know how.

I think - maybe - once drunk, I will become one of those bitter, moaning, depressed people who gaze into the bottom of their glass, hating the universe and the stars. I don't plan to find out if I am that sort of drunk - not yet, not soon.

Oh! And I drank with my parent's permission (encouragement, actually), so don't worry! I am not a naughty law-breaking girl. They were actually telling me, "Have a taste," "Go try some," "You need to try some alcohol."

What is this...this...behavior...of encouraging wrong things?

Several habits I am trying to become drunk with:

• reading the Bible everyday. My mother has given me a bilingual Bible recently, with a Chinese and English side. She's been encouraging me to read it everyday, the way she does, and I will do it from now on.
• sleeping before 2AM. So far, not so good, but I will keep trying somehow. Soph! Stop making me stay up late. (I love you, rawr)
• exercising every day, in some form or other. Currently, I've taken to just walking in the streets, because it's a simple sort of exercise. Otherwise, I'll ride my bike with my father. (The butt pains are unbearable, however) Also, I'm trying to restart my daily habit of doing sit-ups. The flab that is my unfabulous stomach must go away
• eating more veggies - because I need my hair to grow fast
• writing more, in any form
• keeping a clean room - a clean room is a clean canvas
• enjoying the little things around me. Living in a city, it's hard to enjoy things on the street. I do, I honestly do, but it's hard sometimes. Like walking in a street, I will often look in awe at the skyscrapers, or at the hawker stores full of people working hard for their keep. But it's never possible to look at them long - somehow, a car will horn at you, or a motorcycle will nearly mow you over. To enjoy little things in a city is a dangerous thing to do.
• be less useless. This is an all-encompassing promise to myself, really. It's difficult to summarize this in a single paragraph, but I will try. I define 'useless' as 'being unable to please oneself and others in a certain shape or form'. That definition is, frankly, useless. Sorry. But often, I will look at my own life, and I will become unhappy. Not because I have regrets or I am jealous of others. But looking at myself, I realize that I have the potential to be so much more, but I have yet to fulfill that potential. Right now, I am a "could-be" girl, not a "is now" person. Becoming a "is now" person is a lifelong process, I realize and whole-heartedly accept eagerly, so that's why I want to start as early as possible.
• maintain and increase my depth of thought. I refuse to become a shallow thinker, concerned about my own existence in my own world only. I'm at an age where I am capable of planting the seeds of wisdom in my life now, and I want to see them grow as I age, so that one day, they may be harvested for a greater purpose.

Habits are, for me, difficult to form. I can continue my old habits very well - sleeping late, waking up late, being a picky eater, not cleaning my room, always being lazy, wasting time, hunching a lot. But new habits are near impossible to develop.

That is why I've now decided to become an alcoholic, and become drunk in my habits until they've become like my old habits: impossible to break.

Oh, but please pray that I do break those old habits above. They're very bad. I need a better sleeping schedule, and I need to have a nice posture. I always look at pictures of myself and think, "Is my hunch really that bad?" I never really know, because I don't look in mirrors often, so seeing my hunch in pictures is always very shocking. Maybe I should find a mirror and sit near it so I can check myself often. I am trying to stand up straight, but my spine tends to ache after staying in a good posture for a while.

Now! Let's drink and be happy. If today we fail, there is always tomorrow. If tomorrow we fail, there's always forever. Today, at this time, 2:18AM, when I cannot sleep because I am of bad habits, I promise to become drunk so that I may become a better person.

Let's hope I will be a happy drunk. ^_^