6209 days and counting

Happy birthday, Vern!

Well, in about half an hour, it'll be your birthday. I'm just preempting you, as usual.

I've been gearing up towards this day, mentally and emotionally. And now, I can spend it with you.

In an earlier draft of this post, I had written that I wished that we could spend tomorrow together, but now I realize - yes, we can.

In a way though, I am jealous of everyone back in Malaysia. They can celebrate together, and give you a celebration that you deserve - full of people and happiness. Our celebration will be a lot quieter and lonelier. But I refuse to think that I'm celebrating it on my own, alone. You're here, with me.

I remember that year when you bought me a bottle of Pepsi Twist for my birthday, and I bought you a bottle of Sprite for yours. Massive bottles, the type you buy to share with your friends. I kept my Pepsi Twist untouched for a long time, more than a month. It sat on a shelf above my desk, like something sacred on a pedestal. My mother kept looking at me oddly for that period of time, asking when can we finally drink it. 'Never!' I'd mentally answer. It's just part of my bizarre packrat habits, where anything precious is stored away forever.

And then on the night of your birthday, I asked where was the bottle of Sprite. And you said you had already finished it with the guys.

Good to know we're on the same page.

I'm thinking of ways to celebrate it today, anything, something simple. There's nothing I can think of. I'll find something, don't worry. We'll have our own private time. We can do anything then.

Something simple.

I wish there was an easier way to talk to you. There's a lot left in my heart and mind, still waiting to pour out. It's difficult just speaking out loud, trying to believe that you're listening to me. It's easier to put things to writing, but even so, the fingers are only a little looser than the tongue.

I've put you in my mind, a special little niche for you, though. And the little door to that niche opens up every second. Somehow, every subtlety knocks on the door, and pulls out memories of you. Sometimes words ("I remember him calling Soph that"); sometimes places ("he mentioned a restaurant like this a long time ago"); sometimes objects, foods, people, they all remind me of times we've shared. A few things have already become synonymous with you.

And yet, the sadness and grief has become a passing blur. It's no longer sharp and intense and cutting, it's a blunt emotion now, incapable of inflicting shocking pain. My memories of you have been overused and overexposed...but then, there are the moments when they suddenly sharpen, and then they hurt all over again. Sunday night, I found myself feeling lonely - more than that, feeling deserted and overwhelmed with emptiness. I cried a little, and then took out one of your shirts that I have, the black one. I felt alright talking with you then, out loud, really believing that you were listening.

I'm moving forward, but at the same time, I'm retracing old steps, tying myself to memories of you. Eventually, I'll find the right meeting point in between these two.

I am determined to not fall behind in life, and not have regrets. Because that's the only way I can make you proud now. Beyond the obvious fact that you'd want the best for me, I also know that you had certain expectations for me. I want to exceed them. There's nothing else I can do for you now, besides living up to your hopes, and not abandoning the path I'm on.

There's bits and pieces of papers stuck all over my desk, and there's a particular one that I took care in writing. Mental Memos for Oct-Nov 2009, full of self-notes and little kickstarts. And I have scrawled on it, "No regrets for 2009 | Year 12. Make myself + Vern proud."

That is in fact my driving reason now. I want you to know that I am doing this for myself - obviously myself, of course myself - and you. This is the moment where I shine, achieve my dreams, and be proud of myself. And let you know that I'm alright, that you've only made me more motivated, determined, and confident. It's the only way I can tack something onto your legacy, another moment where you've been an inspiration to someone.

Whether I do actually score as high as I want to is not the point. The only thing important now is that I'm attempting it, and trying my best. If I get it, then there you go, case closed, and a new light has shined on my path. If I don't, so be it, no regrets, I've done what I've done, and that was my best.

On the days when I flounder, barely scrape in an hour of work, I just read through my scraps of paper. Regain a little sense of purpose and motivation, and then set forth again.

I want to show you the good things I've done when we meet again. And I want you to be proud and happy.

Wish me luck, and keep motivating me, Vern! And yeah, just give a little bit more power. That's all I need. I still read your little motivating smses, and still feel the same rush of eagerness and determination. If I keep replaying the memories, I can find pieces of encouragement that I now collect.

Thank you. You gave me, unknowingly, a gift that I can keep for a long time. And now, it's my turn to return the honor, and give you a gift that'll make you proud.

Happy birthday. I'm empty-handed now, and bear no gifts, but that'll change with time. Wait for me!

Love,

Your yuan yuan