forewarning: please forgive me for this

i find myself starting to hate everything.

well

everyone

not everything

i feel angry. at everyone. i don't know why.

i think i feel like no one understands what i feel. and that's quite likely true.

and i dont blame them for not understanding, i guess.

but that doesn't stop me from feeling angry.

i hate mom and dad.

i hate my friends.

i hate myself.

i don't know.

my head hurts.

this is just another hurdle i have to get over, isn't it.

this is not right. i don't really care what i feel anymore...i don't know what i feel anymore.

i thought i was getting better. and maybe i was. but now i feel anger and hatred manifesting itself within me. it'll go away, i guess. it has to. logically.

i am a disappointment to everyone. to him. and especially to myself. i will surrender myself to God, and let Him guide me through this.

to many, saying that is simple. or at least, not impossible sounding. but it's hard for me. i don't feel or hear God. i think i lack any sense of a spiritual being. i think i lack a soul.

i think i'm going to have to jump on the faith wagon, and just ride it out like that.

i don't mean to sound anti-religious, anti-God, anti-Christian. Not at all. I don't feel anger at God whatsoever, i don't know why. isn't it normal for people who lost a loved one to initially question God? I don't question Him.

but i just don't feel Him at all. I don't think i ever had. the faith and relationship i had and have with Him is one i grew up with, and reaffirmed through logic and reasoning and belief.

but there's no contact. i don't know. i never felt Him. not while praying, which i do do everyday, and not just repeating a prayer mindlessly, i actually pray with my heart. not while singing praises to Him. not while reading the Bible.

i guess i'm looking at this the wrong way. i think i'm expecting Him to flash a neon sign in my face, though i know that's not what really happens. i don't know how else I'm supposed to feel Him though.

He performs miracles everyday in my life. He gave me everything I have right now. i've shelter, food, love, everything i could possible need, because of Him. And I am beyond grateful, beyond humbled, beyond undeserving.

but I still don't feel Him.

I dont think i know what i'm saying anymore. I need to distract myself from thinking again. Thinking only leads me to saying things that i don't think i should.

i contradict myself too often. maybe it's mood swings. maybe i just don't know what's going on with myself. I don't know.

maybe i shouldn't be writing this right now? i should've written something earlier, when i wasn't feeling so down. i don't know why i feel so angry now.

i know i'm a spoiled brat who doesn't understand anything. i don't know how to change that. it's not until too late you realize you've done something wrong, and by then, everyone has this scarred image of you.

again, i'm a disappointment to myself.

things will work out eventually. this will pass.

I think given the opportunity, I would like to go away by myself to somewhere where there's nobody I know. a foreign country. again, maybe that's just my traveller's lust speaking, but isolation might help me.

I think I follow that pattern of grieving. Isolation, depression, re-integration with friends and family, and everything's okay again. It feels ideal to me.

But yes, isolation is not an option, I know. If anybody tries to tell me this, I will stab them. I do not need to hear it. I know it already.

And yes, I know isolation is not a healthy thing to do. I know. Please don't tell me.

I took a nap just now, and when I woke up and finally got out of bed, I found I had a terrible headache. I still have it till now. Maybe that's why I can't shut up about my thoughts right now.

I'm being really self-centered. Then again, this is my thoughts. So I guess I'm allowed to broadcast them here. But no, i am pathetic. I need to stop doing this. I need to stop feeling this.

Again, I need to distract myself with something else. It's been hard for me to concentrate on one thing lately. But I guess that means my ability to multi-task has increased?

I think I embody all seven sins. Is that even possible. If it is, then I do embody them. If it isn't, then I still embody them.

This anger will fade, this feeling will pass, this sadness will diminish. I've been telling people that I'm getting better, or that I'm alright and okay. I don't know. I don't really feel better. The sadness is still the same. I think the shock is still here as well, for some reason. Anger has just been introduced though.

One thing that gives me some hope is that though I'm not getting better, I'm getting stronger. I know I am. I can't not be getting stronger.

Eventually, I'll be able to not cry at all, not feel anger, and just...be happy? Yeah. Something like that.

I guess I'm treading through the grieving process as expected. Sadness, shock, anger? What comes next? There's no set pattern, I know. I'll tread my own course.

Life is beautiful.

At this point in time, life seems constrained, limited, and closed-in. It's a prison without bars. But once I escape from this moment, from this point in my life, the non-existent bars will lift away, and I can then really go anywhere I want.

I think that's the only hope I'm holding on to right now. That's the dream of my future. I don't know how to describe it really...

I feel...maybe trapped? I don't know. Studies, of course, are a factor. I have to choose my future career path soon. I have to...do many things i guess...

I kind of want to run away? Not sure whether i mean that in a literal or non-literal sense.

I won't. Because it's both illogical, and impossible.

As an afternote, and something I've been intending to say for a while now: thank you to everyone who's offered their condolences and support. Despite what I feel at this moment, I realize I couldn't have made it through the past two weeks without these words of encouragement. They will sink in eventually, and overtake all this negative feelings completely -- that is what I am hoping for.

This post will come across as a lot more depressing and angry than I want. I apologize to anyone who's disappointed with this post, or who was expecting a more uplifting, positive one where I'm just saying "Yes! I'm moving on strong strong strong!". You'll get one in the future. I think I can promise that. But for now, I will go where my feelings take me. I think I can only go up from here. The only difficulty is making the starting step that gets me up the mountain. I think God will help me with that.

Sometimes I wish I could go insane, just so I can pretend I can see him.

Here's to you, Vern.