RouYuan

I can draw hearts very well.

2011-10-05T00:29:00.003+11:00

Last Sunday, I was on duty to help out at children's church.

We were working on some crafts, making rather clever, minimalist "purses" out of paper and string. Unfortunately, since I am, you know, too old, I couldn't make a purse for myself. Instead, I was stuck with cutting out the purses from sheets of paper and taping and stringing them into appropriate shapes.

What a pity.

I will admit, since I was young, I never did enjoy doing arts and crafts. Not very much, at least. All that stupid scissors-handling, the precise measuring, the finagling with sticky tape - so tedious. And whenever I'm rostered on for children's church, I always have to do these things, and be reminded of how much I hate them.

So anyway, I was busy snipping out bits of string to tie into the holes punched in the purses. And a girl whom I was taking care of, Kaitlyn, was sitting next to me and coloring her little purse.

She interrupted me suddenly, asking, "Can you help me draw a teirajlaef?"

A very important note to make: I volunteer to help take care of the younger children, ranging from toddlers to about 5-year-olds. Kaitlyn is about five (or maybe four, I forget). Now apparently, 5-year-olds are still quite lacking in their verbal abilities.

Rather strange to me. I'm pretty sure I was an eloquent poet the moment I jumped out of my mother's womb. I just leaped out into the doctor's arms and began reciting excerpts from Shakespeare, complete with theatrical arm movements.

Anyway, so Kaitlyn hadn't exactly said "teirajlaef" but she had said something completely incomprehensible to me. Luckily, I'm quite used to these situations by now, and so I patiently asked her what she wanted me to draw for her.

"A waurauea," she tried again.

Again, that was not exactly the sound she had made. Again, it had been completely incomprehensible.

"Can you try to doodle it out for me, and I'll try to draw it nicely for you?" I suggested, hoping that I'd get a better idea of what she wanted then.

She made a face, not exactly a displeased one but a somewhat impatient one, but took her pen anyway and made a quick scratchy jumble of lines on a spare piece of paper.

What the heck it was supposed to be, I had no clue.

"Hmm, I'm not sure if I can draw that very well," I muttered, trying to sound calm as I tried to recognize what on earth that bizarre, oblong shape was. "How about I draw a heart for you?"

She stared at me blankly, and I gently took the pen from her and drew a heartshape doodle on her purse. After a quick second, I handed her purse back and waited for her reaction.

Her jaw dropped and her eyes widened as she stared at my orange-colored creation. "Yes!" she cried. "This is perfect!"

And then she made me draw another heart with another color, I think it was green.

I don't know why I think this is worth writing and posting. It's just a fond memory I have right now, I suppose. Her pleasant satisfaction at my small doodle is quite heart-warming. It's nice to see that sometimes, if you get something that you didn't originally want, you can still end up happy and content. Because it might just surprise you and turn out even better than what you wanted in the first place.

Proverbs 14:10

2011-09-08T00:52:00.008+10:00

I was reading the Bible aloud to my sister, and I came across this verse.

I admit that I haven't picked up and read the Bible of my own volition recently. Not for a long time, in fact.

But as I was perusing through it, it struck me that I had forgotten just how much I enjoy reading it. For me, the New Testament reigns over the Old, simply because Jesus is one awesome guy. No seriously, that's my reason. Reading the four Gospel books that begin the entire Testament is an old joy of mine, pouring through the biography of a man whose footsteps I desire to tread in.

But the highlight of tonight's reading session was not found in the New Testament. It was in Proverbs, one of those delightful books that I esteem above most others. Proverbs 14:10:

Each heart knows its own bitterness,
and no one else can fully share its joy.

When I read that, I paused for a few moments to meditate on it, and then re-read it three times over. Its conciseness, its pithy wisdom, its almost fragmented structure, it all comes together into a single verse that is just so alarmingly beautiful to ruminate over.

Even though I flounder back and forth in my faith, toppling far over the edge at times -- even then there's something undeniably ataraxic about reading my favorite books in the Bible. Some parts of the Bible, I will admit, I find horrendously dull, or horrendously offensive. I cannot read the book of Jobs and come away feeling satisfied at the conclusion; the book drives me to confused distress.

A verse like this, however, is beautiful. In ways I cannot convey, it resonates with me. Even in print, it is mellifluent, it is calming, it is like the hum of angels barely audible over the din and clamor of life.

There are some verses, some passages, that anybody can read and enjoy and admire at its strident and poetic wisdom, religious or not. I suppose for many, this verse will have little effect and meaning for them. But for me, this is a stellar example of how a few words strung together can needle its way into my mind and click itself into the mainframe.

It is like that wonderful moment when you read some line or phrase in a book or an article that completely describes you or your feelings or your situation in ways that you could never even imagine.

The Bible is a thing of solemn beauty; that verse is a thing of quiet reflection. It is followed, a few verses after, by another one that I find resonance with:

Laughter can conceal a heavy heart,
but when the laughter ends, the grief remains.

So gorgeous.

how to be happy

2011-08-30T15:27:00.004+10:00

I've yet to figure this out.

Like some woodland creature in its native habitat, it's adept at eluding me. I will catch glimpses of it, I will hear the earth it shakes and the twigs it snaps, I will smell its breathy scent, and I will at times feel as though I am in fact touching it.

But moments like those fade in an instant, and I'm left staring at my palms blankly, so sure that I was holding something tangible only seconds earlier.

It's a wispy notion that I want to capture and drown in.

But for now, I've constructed a series of steps that I believe I can use to achieve this end-goal.

1) Wake up to beautiful things. Open my eyes, and whether it be through my window in the ceiling or the glassy screen of my iPad, see something beautiful (in looks, in spirit, in intention) to start my day.

2) For even just one minute, sit in silence and bask in the world of daydreams. No hindrance from people, music, chores, homework, loneliness.

3) Start things early to avoid stress. Last-minute panic is a magnificent source of adrenaline and productivity. And stress. Avoid.

4) Write. Anything. Everything. Happiness and sadness, fantastic and vulgar, realistic and painful, condense every thought into a series of words that somehow align themselves into a coherent sentence (despite how jumbled it feels in my head).

5) Think of the future, and realize that I have a place in them. Though I do not feel I belong in the present, I have the future to hope for. I may not belong now, but one day, I will find some niche that I can burrow in comfortably.

Solitude is a gift, and loneliness is grief.

6) Wonders abound, Roanne! Go forth and look for them. North, south, east, and west. Go. Unrestrain yourself from the chains of fear and reality, and go.

7) Be healthy. Eat well, sleep well, and exercise well.

8) Move to a place where there is no winter.

9) Drink more water.

10) Be fantastic. In every shape and every form, be fantastic, and forget the confines of my earthly cage. Forget the looks and the thoughts of my peers, and realize that all I have is one shot to die, and I ought to make it worth it.

All these steps are meant to direct me towards an end-goal. Which, of course, means that I should understand what this end-goal is. This requires me to answer another question:

what does it mean to be happy?

I have yet to figure this out too.

text messages

2011-08-13T23:43:00.010+10:00

I've finally done something I've been meaning to for a long time; I can strike through one little task on my woefully long to-do list.

I've finished backing up all the texts on my old phone.

I probably should expand a little more on this, so that nobody reading this will scratch their head over why this is supposedly a significant task for me.

I'm currently wielding an iPhone 3G, a third-hand device that passed through the possession of my father and then my mother before landing in my grubby little claws. But before this, I used a Sony Ericsson W810i. It's a swanky white model, small and easy to use, and even though I've retired it for almost two years now, it's still dear to me. I used it from when I moved to Australia up until I graduated from high school.

It was and is precious to me. I'd load it up with songs, and hide away at school, relying on it to entertain me when I had nowhere else to go and nothing else to do. Whenever I was in an awkward situation, I'd pull it out and pretend to be busy texting somebody. Due to my incessant international texting, I used to rack up impressive phone bills that led to a lot of lecturing from my mother.

It was on this phone that I sent and received an array of messages to and from Vern. These were texts that I had stored in there all these years. All others unrelated, I've already deleted long ago. But his still remain, and all others related to him.

And I've been meaning to back them up to my laptop, to provide a safe archive for me to save and trawl through one day, in case this phone ever dies. That was one fear I had inside of me. What if I lost all those texts? Two weeks of short, constrained messages full of short-hands and slang and misspellings. What if I lost them? I couldn't let that happen. So I scribbled down on my to-do list: "Backup smses on old phone."

And I delayed. For various reasons (no time! can't find my old phone right now! where did that transfer cable go? i don't know what program to use!), I stalled.

A part of me was too afraid to tuck away my iPhone, grab my old phone and switch it on, flick through the inbox, and read through the past treasures stored in there.

I used to do that a lot. After Vern passed away, for the many months that followed, I read and reread all that we wrote to each other. It was easy. I was still using that white phone during then, and so I had constant access to those messages at any time I wanted. And it both beautified and haunted my day, reading those glorious memories again and again, when I felt sad or happy or lonely or content.

When I traded that phone for the iPhone, about half a year after Vern's death, that changed. The white phone became Pandora's box. Once I open it, I'd unleash a torrent of poisonous feelings - not into the world, but into myself.

Since it was no longer my main phone of usage, it was easy to ignore it. Accessing the messages no longer held the factor of convenience. I tucked it away in a drawer, safely and snugly, promising myself to Back Up My Shit one day. One day.

One day turned into a few months, which spiraled into almost two years, and here I am.

I found a program, I set up all the drivers, and I plugged in my phone. For a split second, I was worried that it wouldn't start up. That age and disuse might've led to its death, and the screen would remain black, and those messages would be lost forever. But the screen blinked, and my paranoia faded.

I archived them in my laptop. The originals still remain on the phone, but now there's a copy existing in my laptop. I can't explain just how relieved I feel. Not only have I crossed this off my list and shook off the burden of thought, I know have some sort of safety vault for these short memories.

I think I must sound a bit stupid. I can't really explain how this is significant or important to me, I guess. But it is.

Actually, the backing up process had a slight hitch in it. It's a bit convoluted to explain, but well, I discovered that one of the messages he had sent me was missing. The very first message he had sent me, in fact, which makes it doubly important and darling.

You see, because I was and am a clumsy idiot, I had somehow saved that very first message to the sim card, and my phone being the bizarre little creation it is, no longer kept a copy of it on the phone. It only existed on the sim card.

But when I got my iPhone, I had swapped sim cards.

And so I panicked. Well, one part of me panicked, the other filled with quiet, hopeless dread and acceptance.

"It's only one text," the latter part tried to assuage my frantic half.

But one text is more than enough. I had to somehow get it back - but did I even have the sim card any more? I couldn't remember throwing it away, but then, it's just a sim card. Who the hell remembers whether they've thrown away their old sim card or not? And my room is a disorganized jungle of old cables and piles of paper; how would I ever find it again?

So I settled, and preemptively gave up. There was little point in searching for a lost cause. And after all, it was only one text. Only one.

But you know what was the worst feeling at that moment?

It was that I couldn't remember what that text was. I couldn't remember what it said. It was the very first message he had sent me, and I couldn't remember a word of it. What was it about? I felt miserable as I realized this. I could recall a few of the other texts he had sent me, some of the more clever and cute ones he had written to me.

But this one, the very first one he sent to me, the one that started our ongoing conversations - it was blank in my mind. The chunk of my brain that stored it no longer functioned, or at least it refused to disclose any information.

It might've been really important. Or really cute. Or really sweet. I couldn't remember. And I needed to remember. I didn't want to lose it. I needed to recapture it and reenter it into my brain.

I had to find it.

So some sort of hopeless determination funneled its way into my heart, and I began to look for the sim card. I dug through my room, rummaged through every box of cables and technological doodad that I possessed, emptied every drawer and rifled through every bag. And I couldn't find it.

It was gone.

That one piece of memory of him was gone. Forever, because I had been too stupid and too slow in backing it up.

Some quiet sort of misery simmered in me. I hadn't been expecting to find it, so I wasn't exactly outraged, but having it confirmed that I'd never get back that one text was a blow to the heart.

So I sat down amidst the mess I had created in my room from my scavenger hunt.

And then I saw it. It was in a drawer I had pulled open, hidden within a mass of cables. But it stood out, white among black, and I could see the yellow emblem on it that declared it to be an Optus sim card, my old sim card. For a second, I wondered at how I could've missed it in my earlier search. But then I didn't care. I had found it! I had it again. It was mine, that one piece of memory was mine again.

So I slid it into my phone and started it up. I wanted to see what he had written. What was the first message he had ever sent me?

My phone screen flickered to life, and after a few seconds of loading, I navigated my way to the saved messages inbox. And there it was.

Vern
"Yuan yuan ?"

And then I remembered it. I remembered reading that text. I remembered receiving it late at night, hearing my phone sound its little ditty indicating that I had a new message, and wondering who on earth would be texting me. And then I saw that message, and even though I didn't have his number then and so the sender's number was meaningless to me, I knew it was him. He called me that, a petname formed from my Chinese name, one that I adored. Not many people call me that, only my parents do. For some reason he also did, and it was sweet.

And then I switched over to the sent messages outbox to see what I had replied to that. I was very eloquent.

"OMG! Vern! <3"

That's Pulitzer Prize-winning shit right there.

It didn't properly convey my glee though. I was bubbling over with a very loud type of pride and joy, and all I could manage was an "OMG" and a heart. But still, I think in the later messages I sent him, I expressed my happiness a little bit better.

---

Reading through the messages he sent me, all of them, I get a little teary-eyed. He was splendid. Within the confines of 160 characters, he was adorable and sweet. With a near blasphemous amount of exclamation marks, smileys, and spelling errors, he was amazing.

Re-reading the messages and reliving the memories attached to them, it's very clear to me that I've lost someone incredible by every measure.

I don't think I could ever again meet someone as perfect as him again.

He was a deeply flawed creature. But he was perfect for me. He was perfect for the time, for my age, for my situation, for myself. I needed someone sweet and brilliant and strange, and I got him.

---

Three things about his messages that I want to make especial mention of:

1) His overuse of smileys of every kind was very adorable and very effecting.
2) He had an array of petnames for me, from Yuan Yuan to "silly =P", from Meatball (a stupid play on my Chinese name that I didn't really like when others said it, but didn't mind when it was him using it because it sounded oddly cute from him) to "my favorite girl."
3) The generous amount of hugs he'd unleash on me through text. I think this is my favorite thing about these texts. It's as if every other one of them had the word typed out at least once.

Though every single one of these messages are precious to me (I sound like a parent), there's one in particular I cherish and love above all others (a very bad parent).

There's a bit of backstory and context to this one text. But there's no way that I can retell it without having it lose a lot of its meaning and potency. So I won't share the context, because once it loses just a little of its essence, it falls utterly flat. But just know that it was a highlight for me, a secret success that I prided myself on, and his response to it was one that injected lethal amounts of light-headed glee into me.

His response, my favorite text message above all others, with all its juvenile text-speak conventions and irrevocably sweet loveliness:

Vern
28/05/2009 11:53AM
!! Omgg !! I wanna hug u so bad now D= look who's the sweet one noww~ miss u miss u misss youuuu ! Hughughug*

2011-05-30T03:33:00.003+10:00

You'd think that these kind of thoughts would eventually leave, and maybe for a normal person they do, but they're still hiding in the crevices inside my skull, lurking underneath the cobwebs and tunnels until one day springing up and slapping me in the face.

I don't know how people accept death and loss. I think it's impossible. I think what actually happens is that they forget. I'm forgetting. I cry less often now, but not because I've accepted what happened, but because of my own blessed memory deficit that doesn't remind me of what happened often enough to warrant me crying every day. Because those few still working neurons that are wriggling around in my head will sometimes by sheer miraculous chance meet, and the sparks of my memory starts flowing through, and goddamn, I remember everything, and I start to cry again and feel like that miserable day when I heard the news and holed myself up in the bathroom to cry for hours.

As time goes by and my brain tumbles down into ruins and my memory follows suit and drills itself into uselessness, it gets easier and easier to forget, and I don't cry as much, but what's the point of that if I'm left an idiot.

I am a goddamn mess. For today, I am a goddamn mess. I'll clean up my act by tomorrow. And then I won't be a goddamn mess, and I'll be the goddamn infinitely awesome me who's going to stay at home all day and study, because that's all I know how to do and nothing else.

I am done.

2010-12-24T00:15:00.003+11:00

This is an update, a meaningless one, because I have nothing to say. I'm only writing this post because...I want to assure myself that this blog is still alive (though in a vegetative state).

So. This blog is still alive!

As I have spoken, so shall it become.

To the 0.5 people remaining who still peruse this blog: sweet child, you long-suffering saint, your patience and persistence shall be sung of for many centuries.

I don't update because I have nothing to say, much like this blog post. I should try to add something of interest to this pitiful chunk of writing.

At dinner, my mother checked something with my father, "Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, right?"

I sat there stunned. WHAT? IT'S GOING TO BE CHRISTMAS ALREADY???? BUT...BUT...WHAT!

My mental calendar lies to me, telling me that we're still only in the middle of December. Stupid brain, so useless.

As usual, my family won't really be doing anything for Christmas. It's not a holiday we celebrate in particular. The last time we exchanged presents (to be honest, it was more like my parents giving me and Rachel gifts, and the both of us just being happy and greedy) was...many, many years ago. I can't even remember when. I might've been 11? That's just a random figure I'm guessing. I might've been even younger.

My father will still work on Christmas day - Taiwan really does not celebrate Christmas evidently. They hang up sparkly lights around the city, and have reindeers and costumed Santas everywhere, but they do not really celebrate it.

I should write a post on Taiwan. Why not, eh? And maybe I'll even add pictures!

Oh my, I'm going too far now. Pictures! *shudders*

A series of dotpoints describing random things:

Am working on my letters to Soph and Vonn. I fear that my letters to them will evolve into tome-sized chunks of paper that'll take them months to read.
Have nothing to do in Taiwan. This is both good and bad.
Will hopefully be purchasing a piano with my father - an electronic one, or a keyboard. Whichever. I need something to clack away on, and my father wants to learn the piano (finally, after all these years of inertia, he might venture forth and do what he's always dreamt of doing - playing the piano. Actually, the piano and my father is an interesting topic. I should write a blog post on that.)
Has vertigo. The doctor gave me pills for that. Now I'm a dizzy drugged up girl. Awesome.
Enjoyed my time in Malaysia very, very much. I will probably (not) write this up in more detail later. Another blog post! Oh my, I'm going way too far now.

Why is updating a blog so depressing? No, seriously! I feel a dull dread burning through my stomach as I write this. Likely, it's simply that I have no idea what to write, and hence am straining out words. (Or maybe I ate bad food.)

But at least I have a few topics planned now. Given my track record, I'll never actually write them. But it's nice to have plans (that you know will fail).

Back to dotpoints!

It's really nice having my whole family together again. My sister arrived last night in Taipei, and now my family's all being fat and lazy with each other. I love it.
I RODE MY BIKE YESTERDAY, FOR THE FIRST TIME IN NEARLY A YEAR! I FEEL ALIVE! I FEEL...sore. So very, very sore. I rode for a long time. Two hours with my father around the quieter streets of Taipei, and then one later by myself, with my father sitting nearby, playing Sudoku on my phone. (I should write an entire blogpost about my father. It'll be quite nice, I think.) So yes, my bum aches, along with other unmentionable parts of my body.

This blogpost is entirely too sober and unhyper. Really, reading this, I make myself feel like a downer. Not enough capitals. Needs more smiley faces. Boo!

Maybe I should take some more of my vertigo pills to incite some awesomeness. @____@

Anyway! Assuming in the likely case that I do not update this blog for a long while more: Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year!

(This post will look so stupid if I actually do update within the next week.

...

Ahahahahaha, that's not going to happen.)

a condensed slideshow of thoughts.

2010-05-25T13:30:00.006+10:00

I woke up today feeling like a swarm of bees was buzzing around my head. It was that lightheaded, bleary dizziness that accompanied my morning ritual. Some mornings, you just wake up, and you already know that you want to punch yourself unconscious so that you don't have to go through with the day. Today was one of those days.

Given the (awesome) flexibility of university though, I could easily skip my classes, stay home and sleep away the bees. But no, I had a Chinese test today. So after a few minutes of swearing and complaining to TumTum, my ever loyal companion, I got out of the bed and got ready.

My day did not get better. I burnt my hand while pouring hot water from a kettle, my fringe was rebelling against my mighty comb, I missed my bus by a scant few seconds (few things are more frustrating than seeing your designated bus drive past you), and was stuck waiting in the rain for the next one to arrive, all the while anxious about whether I was going to be late for my test.

As a side note, when the next bus did arrive, I was pleasantly surprised to recognize the driver. I knew him from a previous bus ride of mine, and I like him very much. The first time I saw him, I was going back home from university, rushing with a crowd of others towards the bus. He quickly shouted us in, and was perfectly aghast at how full the bus was, and how slow we were at entering it. "The Great Lord Jesus will have His second coming before I get to drive this bus again," he cried out, laughing. A witty, humorous bus driver is always nice. From all my commutes to and fro university, I've seen far too many disgruntled, aggressive drivers. Understandably, they are irritated and impatient, but it's when they start yelling at passengers that I start disliking them.

Now, anyway, I spent my bus ride cramming for my Chinese test, air-scribbling down the characters, trying to jam as many strokes as I could into my memory. Then halfway through my bus ride, somewhere in between the Oakleigh and Westminster stops, I got an sms.

"PITIFUL HUMAN, WHO DARES DISTURB MY CRITICAL LAST-MINUTE CRAMMING?" I ever so mercifully thought.

It turns out that it was my mother who dared.

"I love you.

Take care."

That was what she sent me.

And then I felt both miserable and that my day had just been made. The latter because, simply put, nothing is more heartwarming than receiving an unexpected "I love you". The former because, again simply put, I miss my mother.

It's been a little more than a week since she left. My sister and I are perfectly fine: we cook, we clean, we rock and roll, we shop, etc. The house is fine. Perhaps a little bit more disorganized without a mother to run around tending to the minor details, but fine, given that the both of us are busy and with little time to spare for cleaning.

Food isn't so much of an issue, since Rachel is a good cook, and I'm a good assistant (yes, guys, I actually do help with the cooking, and yes, the kitchen is fine and undamaged). We're creative and we plan ahead, and we take after Mom by buying a crapton of snacks, so we're never really hungry. The only problem I have with cooking is when I have to cut onions. Those demented tear gas spirits, burn in hell.

And there are benefits of Mom not being around. For one thing, I'm not pestered about my studies. I don't study any more than I did when Mom was here, but I don't study any less. I'm fine with my studies. Of course, there's always more room for extra diligence, but what the hell, it's the first year of university, who exactly is extra diligent?

Another benefit is that I (as expected) feel more freedom. It's not much, nothing drastic, no explosion of overwhelming freedom. I've never been one for going out much or parties, etc., so I don't feel any increased freedom in that area. It's the more subtle aspects that I revel my newfound state in. Not being chased after for sleeping late. Not being chased after for waking up late. Not being scolded for my messy room (note to self: declutter tonight). Not being chased away from the piano because my mom wants to watch one of her sappy Chinese dramas (she's moved from violent to sappy dramas now).

So yes. I'm not exactly suffering from the depths of despair at my mother leaving.

I do feel quite miserable though. At times, when I think about it. As you'd expect, I miss her a lot. Just as I enjoy the subtle details of freedom, so do I miss the subtle joys that departed with my mother. Having a hot dinner already prepared when I come home from a rainy, tiring day. Being made a cup of hot tea, unrequested, when I stay up late burning the midnight oil for an assignment. Being driven to the bus stop on the days where I'm running late. Being asked to try on this new pair of jeans she found on discount and bought for me. Entering my room, and seeing all my books and papers placed neatly in a single pile for me to sort through later, a huge improvement from the previous jumbled mess it was in. Not having to cut onions myself.

Demented tear gas spirits.

I miss my mother. I miss my mother very much.

For the months prior her leaving, I had already been gearing up. Thinking of the various situations that I'd encounter in her absence (they've yet to happen; it's not very often Japanese ninjas break into your house, I suppose), reading and collecting various housekeeping techniques and quick cleaning tips, jotting down the odd recipe that she shared with me into my ubiquitous capture repository. And then, the vital preparatory step I undertook: hugging her every day before I left for university. The first week of university, it felt natural just to hug her, because I felt (and was) like a child being sent off to her first day of school. So I hugged her goodbye on my first day, and sprinted off to the bus stop. Weeks went by, as did months, and the pattern was set. Every day, at the front door of our house, I'd hug her goodbye, she'd tell me to look at both sides of the road (I know, Mom, I know), and then I'd rush out the gate. Some days, I forgot to hug her, or I was already running really late for the bus, or she was in the bathroom, so I skipped the hugging streak then. But I always tried to keep up with it, and it wasn't very hard to.

The first few times I hugged her, it was more of a "wish me luck, I'm a big girl now, whee, university, whee" act. Once university was no longer a new, exciting world to explore (it still is, but I guess the rainy waits at the bus stop dampens my spirit a bit), the hugging sprint became just a way for me to tell Mom that I loved her, and that I'll be home in a few hours, and that I'd miss her when she leaves.

She'll come back in a few weeks though. Either before my exams (about one-two weeks time), or in July. Either way, it's completely up to her, I suppose. I'm okay with either. As long as she comes back.

Moving on to other points of interest:

Good Lord, the Chinese test was not easy. I'm not too concerned about it, to be honest, because it only accounts for 7.5% of the final mark, and I've gotten nearly full marks in every other assessment, so I can afford to lose a few here. I'm sure I passed, at the very least, so that consoles me. It was the grammar questions that tripped me up: asking me whether adverbials followed or preceded nouns or verbs, were attributives noun and adjective or verb and adjective related, is it appropriate to use the confirmation interrogative in this situation, blah blah blah reduplication of verbs blah blah blah pandas. STOP COMPLICATING MY BEAUTIFUL LANGUAGE WITH YOUR LITERAL JARGON! But yes, I did well enough in the translation and comprehension questions. Just the grammar questions, they can go get plowed over by a Chinese farmer. Not going to lie, I was very relieved when I exited the hall and heard the other students saying, "What the fajita* is an adverbial?"
I keep forgetting to replenish my wallet with more money. I'm currently sitting on only a couple of coins, like a beggar waiting for people to fund his alcohol addiction.
I really very much love university. It's like a fresh spring breeze after the frigid hellhole of high school. I love the flexibility, the environment, the BIGNESS, the way I feel like there's untapped potential hidden in every corner, waiting to be lured out and fostered into a magnificent being, the way I feel so much more in control of things, the way I feel productive and like I'm learning things that I both want to and need to. Yes, even accounting, despite my hatred for it, I recognize its usefulness and purpose. The only thing I hate about university: travelling there.
I've been playing the piano a lot, and I'd like to say that I've improved a bit, but who knows. I feel like I understand music a bit more, if that makes any sense. The layers and the intricacies are unveiling themselves to me. It's a lot more fun and meaningful, to say the least.
I've also been writing a lot. Well, not for the past few days, since Mom left, and I have to juggle between cooking and cleaning and studying, but I have been churning out some pieces, at least. Not very good ones, but some writing is better than none.
For the past few weeks, I have been feeling glum, and this Sunday, May 30th, it shall spill over into a candlelit moment of remembrance and grief.

So here I am, in the Matheson Library at Monash, with ceiling-high bookshelves standing around me as compadres, with books from "The Whole Story" to "The Index and Abstract Directory" (of what, it does not say, and now I am curious, but this tome is far too large and heavy for me to bother pulling out) crowding around me. And I sit here, finally updating my blog with, of course, a blogpost far too long for its own good.

I sit here, and miss the various people who I love so much.

*word substituted because I am a stick in the mud and don't like swearing.

a broken chord

2010-04-03T18:48:00.003+11:00

I am going to update this blog, or die trying. I cannot for the life of me figure out what to write, but I will persist, and find something worth writing. Words and thoughts seem have to come to a standstill, yet fingers still type on endlessly, fruitlessly - when will something valuable come out?

A waste of effort for the moment will soon stir forth a pot of golden thoughts.

drunken insomnia

2009-12-08T04:50:00.006+11:00

I remind myself now: victories occur in small steps. Small little things are happening to me, and I must be ready to either accept them or challenge them! Next Monday, my results are released. My honest, genuine feelings are these: doubt, fear, anxiety, and...hmm...it is endless.

But now! I will adopt the following thoughts, reciting them until they become true: cheerfulness, perseverance, determination, optimism, and unbreakable willpower.

Sometimes it's a little hard to change your thoughts from pessimism to optimism. And I guess I don't know the secret to it either. But maybe, maybe, maybe the secret is to get drunk. Drunk in spirit, not in fact. Drink in all of what you desire to be: happy, outgoing, cheerful, determined. Find whatever feeds that spirit of whatever you desire, and drink it so much that you are at ease with it. Don't drink too much, otherwise you'll have a hangover, and you'll regret it. Regret is something you must now throw away, if you want to change, or simply, if you want to live a life of happiness. Drink in moderation and with regularity, so that you neither overdose nor starve yourself of your required alcohol.

I drank a little bit of alcohol a few days ago, and again during my stay in Malaysia. In Malaysia, it was red wine that came with a dinner set. A few days ago, my family went to a whiskey brewery, and there, the staff gave me a glass of whiskey, mistakenly thinking that I was over 18.

I hate alcohol. It is disgusting. How do you drink it? It stings your tongue, burns its way down your throat, and leaves you with a buzzing feeling, like something's not quite right and you need to fix it but you don't know how.

I think - maybe - once drunk, I will become one of those bitter, moaning, depressed people who gaze into the bottom of their glass, hating the universe and the stars. I don't plan to find out if I am that sort of drunk - not yet, not soon.

Oh! And I drank with my parent's permission (encouragement, actually), so don't worry! I am not a naughty law-breaking girl. They were actually telling me, "Have a taste," "Go try some," "You need to try some alcohol."

What is this...this...behavior...of encouraging wrong things?

Several habits I am trying to become drunk with:

reading the Bible everyday. My mother has given me a bilingual Bible recently, with a Chinese and English side. She's been encouraging me to read it everyday, the way she does, and I will do it from now on.
sleeping before 2AM. So far, not so good, but I will keep trying somehow. Soph! Stop making me stay up late. (I love you, rawr)
exercising every day, in some form or other. Currently, I've taken to just walking in the streets, because it's a simple sort of exercise. Otherwise, I'll ride my bike with my father. (The butt pains are unbearable, however) Also, I'm trying to restart my daily habit of doing sit-ups. The flab that is my unfabulous stomach must go away
eating more veggies - because I need my hair to grow fast
writing more, in any form
keeping a clean room - a clean room is a clean canvas
enjoying the little things around me. Living in a city, it's hard to enjoy things on the street. I do, I honestly do, but it's hard sometimes. Like walking in a street, I will often look in awe at the skyscrapers, or at the hawker stores full of people working hard for their keep. But it's never possible to look at them long - somehow, a car will horn at you, or a motorcycle will nearly mow you over. To enjoy little things in a city is a dangerous thing to do.
be less useless. This is an all-encompassing promise to myself, really. It's difficult to summarize this in a single paragraph, but I will try. I define 'useless' as 'being unable to please oneself and others in a certain shape or form'. That definition is, frankly, useless. Sorry. But often, I will look at my own life, and I will become unhappy. Not because I have regrets or I am jealous of others. But looking at myself, I realize that I have the potential to be so much more, but I have yet to fulfill that potential. Right now, I am a "could-be" girl, not a "is now" person. Becoming a "is now" person is a lifelong process, I realize and whole-heartedly accept eagerly, so that's why I want to start as early as possible.
maintain and increase my depth of thought. I refuse to become a shallow thinker, concerned about my own existence in my own world only. I'm at an age where I am capable of planting the seeds of wisdom in my life now, and I want to see them grow as I age, so that one day, they may be harvested for a greater purpose.

Habits are, for me, difficult to form. I can continue my old habits very well - sleeping late, waking up late, being a picky eater, not cleaning my room, always being lazy, wasting time, hunching a lot. But new habits are near impossible to develop.

That is why I've now decided to become an alcoholic, and become drunk in my habits until they've become like my old habits: impossible to break.

Oh, but please pray that I do break those old habits above. They're very bad. I need a better sleeping schedule, and I need to have a nice posture. I always look at pictures of myself and think, "Is my hunch really that bad?" I never really know, because I don't look in mirrors often, so seeing my hunch in pictures is always very shocking. Maybe I should find a mirror and sit near it so I can check myself often. I am trying to stand up straight, but my spine tends to ache after staying in a good posture for a while.

Now! Let's drink and be happy. If today we fail, there is always tomorrow. If tomorrow we fail, there's always forever. Today, at this time, 2:18AM, when I cannot sleep because I am of bad habits, I promise to become drunk so that I may become a better person.

Let's hope I will be a happy drunk. ^_^

6209 days and counting

2009-10-13T23:14:00.003+11:00

Happy birthday, Vern!

Well, in about half an hour, it'll be your birthday. I'm just preempting you, as usual.

I've been gearing up towards this day, mentally and emotionally. And now, I can spend it with you.

In an earlier draft of this post, I had written that I wished that we could spend tomorrow together, but now I realize - yes, we can.

In a way though, I am jealous of everyone back in Malaysia. They can celebrate together, and give you a celebration that you deserve - full of people and happiness. Our celebration will be a lot quieter and lonelier. But I refuse to think that I'm celebrating it on my own, alone. You're here, with me.

I remember that year when you bought me a bottle of Pepsi Twist for my birthday, and I bought you a bottle of Sprite for yours. Massive bottles, the type you buy to share with your friends. I kept my Pepsi Twist untouched for a long time, more than a month. It sat on a shelf above my desk, like something sacred on a pedestal. My mother kept looking at me oddly for that period of time, asking when can we finally drink it. 'Never!' I'd mentally answer. It's just part of my bizarre packrat habits, where anything precious is stored away forever.

And then on the night of your birthday, I asked where was the bottle of Sprite. And you said you had already finished it with the guys.

Good to know we're on the same page.

I'm thinking of ways to celebrate it today, anything, something simple. There's nothing I can think of. I'll find something, don't worry. We'll have our own private time. We can do anything then.

Something simple.

I wish there was an easier way to talk to you. There's a lot left in my heart and mind, still waiting to pour out. It's difficult just speaking out loud, trying to believe that you're listening to me. It's easier to put things to writing, but even so, the fingers are only a little looser than the tongue.

I've put you in my mind, a special little niche for you, though. And the little door to that niche opens up every second. Somehow, every subtlety knocks on the door, and pulls out memories of you. Sometimes words ("I remember him calling Soph that"); sometimes places ("he mentioned a restaurant like this a long time ago"); sometimes objects, foods, people, they all remind me of times we've shared. A few things have already become synonymous with you.

And yet, the sadness and grief has become a passing blur. It's no longer sharp and intense and cutting, it's a blunt emotion now, incapable of inflicting shocking pain. My memories of you have been overused and overexposed...but then, there are the moments when they suddenly sharpen, and then they hurt all over again. Sunday night, I found myself feeling lonely - more than that, feeling deserted and overwhelmed with emptiness. I cried a little, and then took out one of your shirts that I have, the black one. I felt alright talking with you then, out loud, really believing that you were listening.

I'm moving forward, but at the same time, I'm retracing old steps, tying myself to memories of you. Eventually, I'll find the right meeting point in between these two.

I am determined to not fall behind in life, and not have regrets. Because that's the only way I can make you proud now. Beyond the obvious fact that you'd want the best for me, I also know that you had certain expectations for me. I want to exceed them. There's nothing else I can do for you now, besides living up to your hopes, and not abandoning the path I'm on.

There's bits and pieces of papers stuck all over my desk, and there's a particular one that I took care in writing. Mental Memos for Oct-Nov 2009, full of self-notes and little kickstarts. And I have scrawled on it, "No regrets for 2009 | Year 12. Make myself + Vern proud."

That is in fact my driving reason now. I want you to know that I am doing this for myself - obviously myself, of course myself - and you. This is the moment where I shine, achieve my dreams, and be proud of myself. And let you know that I'm alright, that you've only made me more motivated, determined, and confident. It's the only way I can tack something onto your legacy, another moment where you've been an inspiration to someone.

Whether I do actually score as high as I want to is not the point. The only thing important now is that I'm attempting it, and trying my best. If I get it, then there you go, case closed, and a new light has shined on my path. If I don't, so be it, no regrets, I've done what I've done, and that was my best.

On the days when I flounder, barely scrape in an hour of work, I just read through my scraps of paper. Regain a little sense of purpose and motivation, and then set forth again.

I want to show you the good things I've done when we meet again. And I want you to be proud and happy.

Wish me luck, and keep motivating me, Vern! And yeah, just give a little bit more power. That's all I need. I still read your little motivating smses, and still feel the same rush of eagerness and determination. If I keep replaying the memories, I can find pieces of encouragement that I now collect.

Thank you. You gave me, unknowingly, a gift that I can keep for a long time. And now, it's my turn to return the honor, and give you a gift that'll make you proud.

Happy birthday. I'm empty-handed now, and bear no gifts, but that'll change with time. Wait for me!

Love,

Your yuan yuan

2009-08-26T23:16:00.002+10:00

I was taking a nap just now, and my phone woke me up.

It was my father calling me. He asked the usual, how am I, what am I doing, where's mom, where's Rachel, have I ate yet, have I studied yet, am I a good girl?

And then he asked me how much I loved him.

Dad: Daddy is very tired right now ~___~
Me: Go rest.

Dad: Mm, I will after I finish this report. Haih.

Me: Haih.

Dad: Daddy misses you all a lot. Do you miss Daddy?

Me: Yeshhhhh

Dad: How much do you love me?

Me: A loooooooooot =D

Dad: How much? One dollar?

Me: No, more. D=

Dad: Daddy loves you very, very, very, very, very, very much.

The 'one dollar' thing is an old gag of ours. When I was younger, one dollar was, like, the bomb to me. If I had a dollar, I had the world. So back then, a long time ago, my father once asked me that question.

Dad: How much do you love me?

Kiddie Me: A lot! =D
Dad: How much?

Kiddie Me: One dollar! =D

Dad: ...=\

I love you guys one dollar!

And yes, mega-post on holiday is still incoming. Still working on the post for Saturday.

I have to start choosing my uni courses now. Need to submit my preferences soon. Commerce or Science, what shall I do? Or maybe a double degree. I've my eyes set on also doing a Diploma of Languages regardless of what degree I choose though.

It's very, very hard trying to decide on these things. I know that no matter what I choose, I'll probably have a whole career change in the future. I can see myself doing that, for some odd reason, despite the fact that I'm the sort of person who hates change. Maybe it's because from young, I've already seen myself doing that sort of thing? Going from this stream into that stream, just to explore.

Nonetheless, I want to choose my course carefully. With the limited years of life I have, I want to use every bit carefully, learning only things that I care about.

What shall I do, what shall I do...

Many expectations to live up to, many of my own dreams to achieve, many people to make proud...

One day, I shall go far away, to a field of tall grass and faint breezes, and scream, cry, and sleep.

lonely quiet club

2009-07-30T03:50:00.003+10:00

It's 3:50AM - I should be in bed? I'm tired, but I just don't feel like sleeping. I've been meaning to update my blog - still need to finish up my full, huge write up of my holiday in Malaysia and Taiwan. Sorry guys, will get that done as soon as time opens up.

Yesterday, I walked around the city alone. It felt good. It felt perfect. I was surrounded by everybody, and was a nobody like them. Just a faceless figure in a crowd of nothing. But this crowd of nothing, it's full of something.

I don't know what I'm saying. I just really enjoyed my time alone. I walked around many streets, explored some I've never been into, and wandered around and got lost a bit. Good thing I've the navigational skills of a pilot.

A very good pilot, I mean.

It felt good. Walking alone. Just thinking by myself about things. The city, as faceless and metallic as it is, welcomes me and my thoughts with open arms. The breeze - can I capture it and blow it into my room? Wind, wind, wind, come and surround me, and hug me tightly.

I've talked to Yvonne and Ms Cath a little bit about religion and faith. I know that their own personal replies will not answer my own personal questions - but I guess I could say that they form the research framework that I need?

I'm trying to do what Yvonne mentioned, just talking and unloading everything to God. Everything. (It was her that suggested it, yes, no? My brain needs to sleep...) It feels good to do it. Not necessarily having to articulate my thoughts out to Him - just think it, and let Him translate it. That takes off a little stress. I can't explain my feelings or thoughts now, but I can think it out. God can work from there.

It's going to take me a long time to really assess and understand my faith. And not just that - my feelings, my thoughts, and myself too.

Am I sounding like a personal development pamphlet now? Haha, I feel like I'm expressing my honest thoughts dishonestly. These genuine feelings I have, how can I show them without coming across as badly rehearsed?

My formal is this Friday. I can't say I'm really excited for it. Troublesome - hair, makeup, shoes, dress.....

Should I be excited? It's just one night. Just play dress-up, sit at a table, and be a wallflower? I am a pessimistic soul...

It doesn't seem special to me. I don't know, should it? It doesn't anymore. Months ago, it seemed like a really exciting thing - I was going to get a beautiful dress, look like princess-bride, and have the best night of the year. And now, just one night away, it seems like it's going to be a very hollow, meaningless night.

I had asked Vern to be my partner for the formal - twice, in fact. First time in January, the 7th, about a week after the reunion where I last saw him.

2/7/2009 5:20:03 AM v є я я - wan me be ur date?

2/7/2009 5:20:05 AM v є я я - lets goo !

And then again on the 16th of May. Just because I'm a persistant little girl. But he wasn't going to come in July, it was decided. But I live on hope.

5/16/2009 2:17:27 AM v є я я - bought it for my cousin's wedding dinner

5/16/2009 2:17:43 AM v є я я - i danced with my mom on the stage

5/16/2009 2:17:45 AM v є я я - ==

5/16/2009 2:17:56 AM v є я я - she was like on the stage demonstrating

5/16/2009 2:18:01 AM v є я я - den we all had a dance-off

5/16/2009 2:18:09 AM v є я я - then she called me up

5/16/2009 2:18:20 AM v є я я - i simply dance like those 70's

5/16/2009 2:18:23 AM v є я я - hahahah hillarious

5/16/2009 2:18:32 AM RouYuan (neighbor is down, woot!) ahahaha

5/16/2009 2:18:34 AM RouYuan (neighbor is down, woot!) need videos!

5/16/2009 2:19:48 AM RouYuan (neighbor is down, woot!) i wanna see you dancing

5/16/2009 2:30:40 AM v є я я - LOL

5/16/2009 2:30:40 AM v є я я - noooo

5/16/2009 2:31:53 AM RouYuan (neighbor is down, woot!) fiinneee

5/16/2009 2:34:22 AM v є я я - if some miracle happen

5/16/2009 2:34:27 AM v є я я - end up in aussy by ur formal

5/16/2009 2:34:30 AM v є я я - dance with u la

What miracle can I expect this Friday? It will be a lonely night for me. I was talking to Zoe a little bit about it. She said something about me being disappointed because I had expectations...(sleep-deprived brain refuses to recall exact words...)

I am worried. Will I sit there in the formal, and realize that I am by myself? I think my friends will be busy having a good time - maybe I can find a no-dancing-just-sitting-and-eating partner to accompany me. If not - the walls have ears, and shall hear my secrets.

Or my triple chocolate dessert.

It will be a lonely night.

I don't feel sad when I remember memories of Vern. I feel happy, lucky, and blessed that I got to have them at all - what have I done to deserve them? But what makes me sad is when I think of all the dreams and hope I had. I think I can say that I had already planned out a year's worth of things for us to do (but knowing him, he'd go through it all in a month...).

The formal was just another dream I had. At first, it was that he would be my partner for the night, keeping me company, and dragging me to dance. When it was decided that was impossible, I decided to myself - have the best night, and then report the good news to him (and call him to surprise him).

It feels tiring to have to bury a dream.

It will be a very lonely night.

I need to go over my old conversations with Vern, pluck out some choice quotes, and send them over to the sister. I keep telling myself to do it soon, but the time never seems right. This seems like something that should be done with a lot of time and consideration. Maybe I'll post them up here and link it to her? I need to think of the best way to present it - convenience...

His family is amazing. Very open, very friendly. I want to write more on them - and will, in the big upcoming post about my holiday in Malaysia - but I will summarize them with a question: how can a family who has lost so much still be willing to give so much? I felt very shy and quiet around them - didn't say as much as I would've liked to. But regrets are meaningless - throw them away instantly.

Resolutions of the now:

Start reading the Purpose Driven Life
Talk more with God
Start going to church (???)
Clean up desk
Make time for going through old conversations with Vern
Guitar!!!
Study! Even harder!! Maths....
Do my best to have a good night on Friday
Piano!!

shout unto god with a voice of triumph...shout unto god with a voice of praise...shout unto god wih a voice of triumph...we lift your name up~we lift your name up!

Even in this time where I feel I need to really scrutinize, reassess, dissect, and unravel the mystery of my faith, there are three things that bind me tightly to my faith, my belief - three moments that makes me so sure God is with me. When I'm listening to a good song of worship, when I'm writing, and when I'm alone outdoors.

Maybe I should try doing all three at once? Haha.

I want to write more on my feelings and thoughts. What I am feeling now - how can I capture it with words? I want to pen it down and keep it for memories, for my writings, for references...for reflection. For life? I need to try being more honest with myself...

good night, Vern

Sometimes, I just want to fly

2009-07-02T18:07:00.002+10:00

In less than 3 hours, I'll be leaving with my mother for the airport. I'm excited - and relieved. Has this day finally come? Am I finally going back to Malaysia? Yes -- and I am happy.

I love airports, airplanes, and flying. The miracle of soaring across the skies, across vast distances, across oceans in mere hours - how is it possible? It shouldn't be, but it is, and it's amazing. I never cease to wonder at how lucky I am to be able to travel.

I haven't finished packing yet actually. But I'm taking a break, heh. All I have left to do is just to shove a few last minute things into my bag.

I've been anxious about this holiday, honestly. Excited, of course -- but very worried. How will things go?

But I'll put aside my worries, and enjoy what I can -- that's all I can do now, isn't it?

I'll be getting the Great Haircut of 2009 tomorrow, on Friday -- and I still haven't figured out what hairstyle I want. I'll just hope my hairstylist is very flashbang and knows what to do to make me look fabulous.

Um, okay, if you guys see me with my fringe pinned up and away, then you know it was a disaster, and should give me a comforting hug.

That reminds me, I need to pack bobby pins and hairclips.

On Saturday, I'll be visiting the cemetery, and then his family. That's really the day I'm most worried about. I don't know if I want to allow myself to break down. And I also don't know whether I'm capable of breaking down anymore.

But I'll just let things be.

I won't have access to the internet in Malaysia -- but when I do, I'm going to be updating this blog a lot. Why? Numerous reasons:

1) Document how I'm feeling, what's happened (and maybe I'll actually post up some pictures, whoa)

2) Update Rachel on everything

3) Remind myself that I'm still alive.

Rachel: DON'T BURN DOWN THE HOUSE PLZKTHX. Don't over-download and keep checking at MyUsage, okay? I'll update this blog whenever I can so that you won't be so Roanne-deprived. Will post pics for you too! Okok? Talk to me via facebook. Wall spam me. Wall spam is good. I like wall spams. Be careful, don't do anything stupid, don't go out so much and catch swine flu. Have a good 16 days without me and mom! Careful, okay?

The fears and worries and emotions keep building up - what am I supposed to do with them? Maybe one of these 16 days will carry the answer for me. If it doesn't, then time will soothe me. Here's to me reclaiming a little bit of myself again. Here's to a fantastic 6 days in Malaysia, and 10 in Taiwan! Here's to life.

Here's to you, Vern.

forewarning: please forgive me for this

2009-06-14T04:39:00.004+10:00

i find myself starting to hate everything.

well

everyone

not everything

i feel angry. at everyone. i don't know why.

i think i feel like no one understands what i feel. and that's quite likely true.

and i dont blame them for not understanding, i guess.

but that doesn't stop me from feeling angry.

i hate mom and dad.

i hate my friends.

i hate myself.

i don't know.

my head hurts.

this is just another hurdle i have to get over, isn't it.

this is not right. i don't really care what i feel anymore...i don't know what i feel anymore.

i thought i was getting better. and maybe i was. but now i feel anger and hatred manifesting itself within me. it'll go away, i guess. it has to. logically.

i am a disappointment to everyone. to him. and especially to myself. i will surrender myself to God, and let Him guide me through this.

to many, saying that is simple. or at least, not impossible sounding. but it's hard for me. i don't feel or hear God. i think i lack any sense of a spiritual being. i think i lack a soul.

i think i'm going to have to jump on the faith wagon, and just ride it out like that.

i don't mean to sound anti-religious, anti-God, anti-Christian. Not at all. I don't feel anger at God whatsoever, i don't know why. isn't it normal for people who lost a loved one to initially question God? I don't question Him.

but i just don't feel Him at all. I don't think i ever had. the faith and relationship i had and have with Him is one i grew up with, and reaffirmed through logic and reasoning and belief.

but there's no contact. i don't know. i never felt Him. not while praying, which i do do everyday, and not just repeating a prayer mindlessly, i actually pray with my heart. not while singing praises to Him. not while reading the Bible.

i guess i'm looking at this the wrong way. i think i'm expecting Him to flash a neon sign in my face, though i know that's not what really happens. i don't know how else I'm supposed to feel Him though.

He performs miracles everyday in my life. He gave me everything I have right now. i've shelter, food, love, everything i could possible need, because of Him. And I am beyond grateful, beyond humbled, beyond undeserving.

but I still don't feel Him.

I dont think i know what i'm saying anymore. I need to distract myself from thinking again. Thinking only leads me to saying things that i don't think i should.

i contradict myself too often. maybe it's mood swings. maybe i just don't know what's going on with myself. I don't know.

maybe i shouldn't be writing this right now? i should've written something earlier, when i wasn't feeling so down. i don't know why i feel so angry now.

i know i'm a spoiled brat who doesn't understand anything. i don't know how to change that. it's not until too late you realize you've done something wrong, and by then, everyone has this scarred image of you.

again, i'm a disappointment to myself.

things will work out eventually. this will pass.

I think given the opportunity, I would like to go away by myself to somewhere where there's nobody I know. a foreign country. again, maybe that's just my traveller's lust speaking, but isolation might help me.

I think I follow that pattern of grieving. Isolation, depression, re-integration with friends and family, and everything's okay again. It feels ideal to me.

But yes, isolation is not an option, I know. If anybody tries to tell me this, I will stab them. I do not need to hear it. I know it already.

And yes, I know isolation is not a healthy thing to do. I know. Please don't tell me.

I took a nap just now, and when I woke up and finally got out of bed, I found I had a terrible headache. I still have it till now. Maybe that's why I can't shut up about my thoughts right now.

I'm being really self-centered. Then again, this is my thoughts. So I guess I'm allowed to broadcast them here. But no, i am pathetic. I need to stop doing this. I need to stop feeling this.

Again, I need to distract myself with something else. It's been hard for me to concentrate on one thing lately. But I guess that means my ability to multi-task has increased?

I think I embody all seven sins. Is that even possible. If it is, then I do embody them. If it isn't, then I still embody them.

This anger will fade, this feeling will pass, this sadness will diminish. I've been telling people that I'm getting better, or that I'm alright and okay. I don't know. I don't really feel better. The sadness is still the same. I think the shock is still here as well, for some reason. Anger has just been introduced though.

One thing that gives me some hope is that though I'm not getting better, I'm getting stronger. I know I am. I can't not be getting stronger.

Eventually, I'll be able to not cry at all, not feel anger, and just...be happy? Yeah. Something like that.

I guess I'm treading through the grieving process as expected. Sadness, shock, anger? What comes next? There's no set pattern, I know. I'll tread my own course.

Life is beautiful.

At this point in time, life seems constrained, limited, and closed-in. It's a prison without bars. But once I escape from this moment, from this point in my life, the non-existent bars will lift away, and I can then really go anywhere I want.

I think that's the only hope I'm holding on to right now. That's the dream of my future. I don't know how to describe it really...

I feel...maybe trapped? I don't know. Studies, of course, are a factor. I have to choose my future career path soon. I have to...do many things i guess...

I kind of want to run away? Not sure whether i mean that in a literal or non-literal sense.

I won't. Because it's both illogical, and impossible.

As an afternote, and something I've been intending to say for a while now: thank you to everyone who's offered their condolences and support. Despite what I feel at this moment, I realize I couldn't have made it through the past two weeks without these words of encouragement. They will sink in eventually, and overtake all this negative feelings completely -- that is what I am hoping for.

This post will come across as a lot more depressing and angry than I want. I apologize to anyone who's disappointed with this post, or who was expecting a more uplifting, positive one where I'm just saying "Yes! I'm moving on strong strong strong!". You'll get one in the future. I think I can promise that. But for now, I will go where my feelings take me. I think I can only go up from here. The only difficulty is making the starting step that gets me up the mountain. I think God will help me with that.

Sometimes I wish I could go insane, just so I can pretend I can see him.

Here's to you, Vern.

A letter to him, my sweetheart, Lim Yu Vern

2009-05-31T16:57:00.004+10:00

Dear Yu Vern,

I had this belief that everything happens for a reason, that in the ultimate end, every action, every reaction, everything would lead to some greater end, some higher purpose. Something good.

I don't know what I believe anymore.

You can’t be dead.

You said I'd be your first and your last. That was supposed to be a lie, that should have never happened. I shouldn't be your last. This should've never happened.

I don't know what I'm typing anymore. I don't know why I'm typing.

I love you more than anything. You were far from perfect, but flaws are what make people human. And you were more human and more alive than anyone else I knew, and I loved you for it.

I was the first one to say 'I love you', and I really meant it, though I think you never really believed me. I meant it. It was a different sort of love back then though. But that was my highest capacity for loving you then. I loved you with all my heart, with every bit of my childish being.

I still feel the same way. I still have that amount, and more, of childish, whole-hearted love for you. I wanted, I still want, so much to spend the rest of our days together, where I can just keep growing my love for you.

That was what was supposed to happen.

I was already planning our first date. You told me to, since you didn't know where to go here. And I was already planning it, six months ahead. Maybe a little early, but I had to work out the details. I was waiting to suggest my plans to you. Waiting for a few more months time, when the day you would be coming here would be closer. That way, I wouldn't seem so pathetic for planning so early. I had a Korean restaurant in mind. I wanted to ask you whether you liked Korean. And then we'd go for ice cream. Maybe we'd just share one, or we'd get separate, and I'd steal some from yours just to annoy you.

I wanted to go shopping with you. God knows you probably have a better sense of shopping than me. I wanted to watch a billion movies and dramas with you.

I just wanted to waste time with you. I just wanted to live with you.

I daydreamed, often, too often, about what it'd be like when we met again finally. It'd probably be in a train station, most likely Flinders, in the city, and it's a busy day with everyone everywhere. I'd be somewhere by the steps, waiting for you, impatiently and nervously.

What happened next always changed in my head. Sometimes I'd call you, freaking out and asking whether you were coming or not. Sometimes you'd call me, asking where the hell I was, and why couldn't you find me.

But then, we'd meet, and then we'd hug. We'd hug to make up for lost time. We'd hug to make up for everything. Our past, our fights, our stupid differences, the distance that kept us. We'd -- at least, I would -- forget everything. Forget all that. I'd just be hugging you because I could, because I wanted to, because somewhere at the back of my head, this was meant to be.

You were already talking about kissing me. We were already planning our first kiss. A vague plan, where the only thing certain was that it'd have to be under the stars. And then last night, I told you you had to kiss me and catch me offguard, or else I'll be too nervous and I might run away giggling.

And then I told you, last night, to not rush things. Don't kiss me too soon. I'm not ready for that. And you told me that your timing would be perfect.

I want to kiss you.

When I told people about you liking me, me liking you, I was afraid that they'd doubt I really liked you. I don't know whether people knew how much I had vested in you. But you knew, I know you did, and that's all that matters to me.

I loved you something stupid. It's difficult for me to define this feeling. I feel something for you that I don't feel for anyone else, something I never ever felt before. Something I didn't even know was possible. I don't know if it can be called love. I think it is. I was trying very hard to be complete mature and practical and logical about this, and was trying to tell myself that it was too soon for it to actually be love. I'm too young, you're too young, we're both too stupid to grasp that meaning of love yet. You understood this, thank God. But this feeling, if it's not love, this is the closest I've ever been.

I knew that I'd know when I was in love when I felt something happened in my heart. And something happened in my heart. It happened 6 years ago. It happened again and again every time we spoke.

But you were meant to come here and confirm it for me. We were going to meet face-to-face and I was going to feel fluttery and squishy inside, and I was going to be a puddle of goo just like I always am around you. I was supposed to figure out what this feeling was, for sure, as an undeniable truth. You'd come here, we'd go out, and time would tell me the meaning of this feeling. It might be love, it might be something else. Whatever it was, I wanted to find out with you. I wanted you to help me figure out this feeling, what it was and what it meant. Maybe you'd figure out your own feelings for me as well.

You were always confident in yourself, and you probably were confident in this feeling as well. So maybe you don't need time to figure out what this feeling was.

I won't ever know now.

You made me feel alive. You really did. You made me feel like I could conquer the world, that I was smart enough to do it, that I could do anything I wanted. You made me feel like I was special. That I was unique, that I was sweet, that I was pretty.

When I was with you, you made me feel an array of emotions I never felt before, with anyone else. I felt happy, so happy, so nervous, so insecure, so giddy, so excited. You were the spark that jumpstarted my heart.

Did I ever make you feel that way? I tried. I really tried. But I can't know what really goes on in your head. You told me that I knew you more than anyone else did. And I believe that. But there's still so much of you that I want to know, things I want to ask, things I want to learn through time with you.

Last night, before you left for your round trip around the island, you told me to sms you before I went to bed. I did, but you never replied. I waited for your reply, and went to bed wondering why you didn't send me anything. You always replied me, saying you missed me, that you wanted to hug me, and that you hoped I would dream of you as I sleep. But you didn't last night. I guess it makes sense now.

I still have every sms we sent each other. I never deleted them. Just like how I never got rid of any of our old msn conversations. Even the ones from 7 years ago, I still have them all.

I never got to hug you. Despite all our constant mutual wishes of hugging each other, we never hugged. Ever before. When we met again last year, and you were sitting by my leg, and I was trying to not be so shy, to talk to you...and then Julian turned down my hug, and asked you to hug me instead. You looked at me, like you were trying to decide whether you should or not. You didn't.

Later when we talked, it turned out that you did want to hug me. But didn't because I looked like I didn't want one.

I did want one. I really did.

I can't help but envy the others. Sophira, Yvonne, Megan, Terrence, Julian. I envy them because they got to spend more time with you in person. Perhaps I did know you more than they did, but they did get to spend more time with you face-to-face.

I was planning to make up for that when you came here. We'd go out, we'd stay in. We'd waste time together, and then I'd force us to study because we had to get good jobs so that we'd be swimming in money when we were older. I still remember that dumb conversation we had months and months ago, when you told me that since I was the smarter one, I'd go out and earn all the money while you stayed home and cooked for me. And then I argued that you were the man, so you had to work. And then we both compromised on both working and earning lots of money, and then retiring early with lots of bikes for you and me.

And I also remember when you just suddenly asked me, "so when are we getting married?" You were random, and I was stunned. And I replied with "why so random?", but what I really wanted to say was "one day, in the future, when we're older."

It's not that I was already setting our wedding date or anything like that. I wasn't writing down Mrs. Lim Yu Vern everywhere. It's just that...I can't see myself with anyone else. There really is no one else like you. You asked me last night if I was glad that I had a guy like you. And I am. I really am.

There's so many things I had yet to tell you. Stupid things, like that my dad had just bought me a bike, so that means we can go bike riding together like we planned. You were meant to be the one in my romantic bicycle-riding dream. I made that dream for you, but you never knew about it. And then, I was meant to tell you how much you meant to me. I think, I hope, that I made it clear through our conversations, through how much I cared for you. But I wanted to say it out, clear and direct, just because I knew you loved it when I was absolutely honest and absolutely brave like that.

If there was anything I could do for you, I'd do it in a heartbeat. If there was anything I could say that could bring you next to me, I'd say it in an instant, I'd scream it into the world. I just wish you knew how much I felt for you.

You were supposed to take me on my first date. You were supposed to be my first kiss. You were supposed to be the first person I ever fell in love with. And I wanted so badly to be the first person you fell in love with. That was our plan. That was our dream. That was our hope.

I really thought you were the one.

I wanted you to take care of me. I already depended on you. And I wanted to take care of you.

I want so badly to feel like you're watching over me in heaven, that you're somehow looking after me still. I want to feel you, like that you're right next to me, watching me right now as I'm typing this. I want to feel that you're hugging me, to make up for last year when you thought I didn't want one. I want to feel something. I don't feel anything. I feel sad, I feel helpless, I feel above all empty.

I want to rip out my heart. As strange as it sounds, I keep putting my hand over my heart, just trying to see whether it's still there. I don't know why.

I want to be where you are. I want you to be where I am. I want to show you how much I love you. I need you right here right now

My words are meaningless in the grand scheme of things, but I mean every word, and they're all I have to give you now.

The one person who made my life worth something got his own taken away.

I love you.
I want you.
I need you.
I miss you.

I can't stop shaking. I don't know why. You were my world. You are my world. You were my damn world and you were everything in it, and you gave meaning to everything.

I'm going to do something wrong. I'm going to jump off a cliff, I'd going to cut myself, I'm going to hit someone. Not because I want to, but because I need to. But I won't, and you know the reason why I won't.

It’s going to be Monday after tomorrow, and I can't believe it is, because I'm going to have to go to school and somehow go on with everything. I don't know how I can do that. I think you'd want me to, but I don't know how.

I want to keep doing things and learning things. I know you'd want me to. I'll keep practicing the piano, because you wanted me to play for you when you came here, even though I'm terrible and told you so. I'll learn how to cook steak because you liked it, and I'll improve that purple beetroot chocolate cake you asked me to cook for you even though it doesn't taste very nice. I am not going to become an umbrella girl however, even though you wanted me to, because I won't be able to be your umbrella girl.

I am dishonest, I am naive, I am selfish, I am insane. I never deserved you at all. I never understood why you felt anything for me, though it was quite obvious why I felt something for you.

I thought we had all the time in the world, that's why I wanted to not rush things. I wanted us to take our time. I was the one who jumped into things too quickly last time, and I didn't want this to turn out the same way. I said we had to go slow because why should we rush? You were going to be a part of my life till I die, and you still are, but not in the way I want.

You enjoyed life, and you lived with no regrets. I scorned and scolded you for being so careless at times, for not thinking before acting, but I was jealous at the same time. People said we were opposites, and we are, we absolutely are, but we somehow worked well together. Vern and Roanne didn't make much sense, but you and me did.

There's one thing I have to comfort me, and that's the realization that I treasured every moment I had with you. Sometimes I hear people mourn the fact that they've always took for granted the time they had with a person. I never did take you for granted. Every second I had with you was something ridiculously amazing, even if it was just you greeting me with 'yuan yuan!!!!'

Every time I went online, and then a conversation box popped up, and I'd see that you were the first person to greet me...those little things were what made my day. And then when you'd randomly sms me, even when your message was just "=)", my day would just fall into place and I'd spin right through the hours thinking only of you.

We were meant to webcam on Friday night. I wanted to see you again. I wanted you to tease me and ask me whether you looked handsome or not, and I wanted to say 'no, you don't' because you'd get huffy and you'd look so cute. And you knew I was lying. I was so transparent around you. Or maybe you always just knew what was going through my mind?

I swear, I thought you were a mind-reader at times. You'd just suddenly say something, something that I was thinking of at that exact moment, hit me in the right spot, and break me down into a babbling idiot. I was genuinely worried, sometimes. It was uncanny how perfectly timed the things you said were. Like when I was going to ask something, some serious question that had been bugging me for days, and then you'd just suddenly pre-empt me and bring up the topic. I was worried you actually could read my mind. I felt like I had to close off some of my thoughts, because I didn't want you to see them yet.

I want to open my mind and heart right now, and pour everything out to you.

I feel like such a fake. I'm feeling so much right now. But I can't express anything. People say they're sorry and offer their condolences, and all I can say is that it's not their fault. It's not, but I wish it was so I could blame them. The words I'm typing now seem so fake even though I mean everything. I just don't know what to say. I just don't know what to do.

I wish God would stop time, throw the two of us into the same world, even for just one minute. I'd say 'I love you' and I'd hug you. The two things I've been waiting to do to you, but never did because I'm too shy and too scared.

I want to see you again. We were supposed to webcam tonight to make up for yesterday.

I want you back more than anything. If you were alive, even if you didn’t remember a thing about me, or hated me, or didn’t care about me, that’d be enough. I just want you alive. I will sound incredibly selfish, but I don’t want you to be with God, I want you to be with me. People tell me not to worry, that you’re in a better place and you’re watching over me. And I just can’t bring myself to be even remotely comforted by that. I don’t want you in heaven, I want you with me. I don’t want you watching over me, I want you living with me.

I loved you like a friend, then a best friend, then a brother, then a kindred spirit. And now I love you like a soulmate. Then, now, and forever, you are my soulmate.

I'm trying very hard to be okay and be calm. It seems to be working, because people seem to think I am, much to their disgust and shock. I don't want them to worry about me, and I don't want you to worry about me. But you might be worrying anyway, because you always could figure out my feelings and read my mind. I have exams next week. I don't know what I'm going to do. I have a piano lesson on Tuesday. I hate how things just keep going on. I want to stop time. I want many things. I want you, most of all.

I should be ending this letter. It's too long. If you read this, you'd probably give up halfway and tell me to just hug you instead. Or maybe you'd put up with it and actually read everything. You somehow put up with all my nonsense. I don't know how to end this though. I don't want to say R.I.P.. I want you to be in peace, but to actually say that feels like I'm saying goodbye. I'm still clinging to some hope that this is all some pathetic joke, or a mistake, or that a miracle will happen and you'll come back and everything will be normal.

I remember sort of complaining to Sophira that you shouldn't have confessed to me that you liked me when you did. I mean, at that time, I had exams in a month and had to focus. Logically, you would've only been a distraction, though you're the best possible distraction I could ever ask for. But then, this accident happened.

You died exactly two weeks after telling me. Apparently the time of your death still isn't conclusive. But you died early morning, before 7, on Saturday. You confessed to me you liked me early morning, before 7, on Saturday the 16th. You spent all of Friday night, the 15th, being coy and hinting, and then you confessed on Saturday, when I was totally sleep-deprived but was waiting just for you to say those words.

You were right. Your timing is perfect. It really was. Those two weeks we had when we were totally honest and totally bare-hearted to each other were the most sweetest, forthright, and downright loving I've ever been with anyone. If you had waited till after my exams, I never would've been blessed with those two weeks.

This still isn't real for me. I've always been bad at accepting reality. I'm too used to living in my own world of daydreams. The thing is, you were the most important character in both my world of daydreams, and this world of reality. You were the prince, the best friend, the dreamboat boy.

I always worried about you when you went off on those rides, and I told you to be careful and be safe. You told me you liked it when I was being a protective mother hen. I should've been more protective. You were so passionate whenever you spoke about your rides though, and you said your bike was your first love. I couldn't hold you back from that, I knew it wouldn't be right. Now I wonder if it would've made any difference if I had been selfish and told you to make me your first love, not your bike.

I say I wish you were here, and I wish this never happened, and I've never wished so hard before. People are saying it, but I don't think they're wishing hard enough, because it's not coming true and you're not coming back. I've been desperate before, I've been completely desperate and pleading for fate to change, but now I'm beyond desperate. There might be a word for this, but I don’t know it. I want to make a deal with God to bring you back, but I can’t, and that’s killing me.

You're still alive. You are. You're in my heart, you're in my mind, you're in my memories, you're in my everything. You’re not dead.

Our sweet secrets. Our eager promises. The beautiful moments. Our feelings, mutual and strong. And now, my crumbling, trembling heart, and I can't hide anymore.

When we meet again, I will do three things, I promise you. First, I will hug you. Second, I will kiss you. And finally, I will say I love you.

I don’t know if I’ll be allowed to do that. But I will try. I will make my promise come true.

I'm finishing this letter, but that doesn't mean I'm done with you. There's so much more to say. But I can't find the words to say it just yet. I really miss you, so please wait for me, like you promised you would. I’m holding onto this promise. Always.

I love you.

Love,
Your yuan yuan

I want to remember him the way he was, and I want everyone to remember him. I wrote this last night. I think I still don't quite understand things right now. I can't let go.

Bliss and you

2009-05-27T22:51:00.002+10:00

I can not wait for my holidays to arrive. Go away, exams, go away SACs, go away school.

My parents are still very indecisive about whether my mother and I should go to Taiwan for the three weeks.

I personally would like to go, but as long as I get to see my dad again, I'm okay with whatever decision they make.

Taiwan is awesome though. I want to go there, eat the awesome food, channel my Hokkien chi, get my hair cut (mwehehehe), and hit the streets at night. Nighttime in Taiwan is beautiful. It's alive at night, things are still going on, and the atmosphere has some sort of subtle vibrancy that draws you in. It's not like a clubbing scenario, it's instead just...life at it's most simplest beauty. People are alive, they talk, they drive, they ride, they sell, they buy. It's a blur of things, a blur that harmonizes into something gorgeous called life.

I think the same can be said for many cities. Except Melbourne. Too many drunk people walking around? Hahahah, I don't know, but there's a sense of death during the nighttime in the city. It's good for many moments, though, like when I want to feel alone and by myself, isolated away and still.

I have some sort of traveller's lust in me. It crept into my soul, and it refuses to leave me.

In other news, life has been beautiful for me, since May 15th. Perhaps I'm a little too happy about it -- but happiness is never a sin. I could write a billion things about this right now, this feeling, the cause of this feeling, this hope and ridiculous eagerness, I swear I could write on for days about it. Amongst all this happiness, there's fear and worry, an insecurity and reluctance. But to these clawing feelings of negativity, I say "You are insignificant in the bigger picture." Things may, quite likely in fact, go awry and I'll be left two steps behind. Again.

But it's impossible to feel sad if you've never felt happy. And that's what I feel right now. Happy. I'm willing to throw caution into the wind for this feeling: this feeling and so many others that are racing through my heart right now.

Here's to you, future, past, and present. Here's to happiness and sadness, and here's to you, my heart.

2009-05-16T01:11:00.002+10:00

Happy teacher's day!

(this goes out to you Ms. Cath)

friend in times of despair, loneliness, depression, and homework stress. hardcore teacher/tutor with a heart bigger than the moon. blessed with an amazing voice, one that'll heal ears bruised from terrible neighbors rocking out.

sometimes, you can find friends in the most unexpected places. and when you do, often, they're kindred spirits, and you know you'll never going to let them go, ever.

have a blessed day, a blessed week, month, year, life. Godspeed, and good luck, and HUG!

A bomb fell and this post came out

2009-04-16T00:49:00.000+10:00

Now that I have a constant internet connection (read: my father has left :(, and has thusly bestowed unto me his modem which I will continue to use until Optus gets off their La-Z Reclining Couch (TM) and comes over to my house to hook me up with the intarwebs), I can finally update this dead wasteland.

I'm not sure what to update with though. I could write about what I've done about my holidays. But unless you find hibernation very interesting, I won't be doing that.

...

What am I supposed to write about? My new house?

Oh yeah, my new house.

Well, I love it. =)

It has a staircase. A STAIRCASE! Oh, how I missed clambering up and down the stairs. And the bathroom has a REMOVABLE SHOWERHEAD. GOD, TECHNOLOGY, I LOVE YOU. Yes, my old house did not permit me to remove the showerhead. But now, my abilities have been restored to their former glory, and I can now REMOVE AND MANIPULTE THE SHOWERHEAD FOR MY EVIL PLANS.

...

I like removable showerheads, okay.

My room is awesome like no other. There's a window on the ceiling. THE CEILING. Of course, this makes it rather crappy in the morning, with the sun glaring straight down at me, crying, "ARISE FROM YOUR BED, ROANNE, AND BEGIN THE DAY WITH A SUNNY SMILE!" But it's nice in the afternoon, when you can sit underneath it and see the clouds roll by slowly.

I am such a sap.

Moving on...

My room's really bright at night though. Like, hardcore burn-out-your-eyes-with-a-bunch-of-nightlights bright. I like my nighttimes the way I like my coffee (well, if we were living in an alternate universe in which I actually liked coffee): as dark as the bitter depths of hell.

But hey, I can just shut my eyes and la-di-la, the brightness is gone.

Another major downpoint of my room is this: it's downstairs. And the toilet is upstairs. Yessir, this makes travelling to the Holy Sanctum a long journey. While my mom and sister can just step out of their door and hop over to the loo, I have to straggle up the stairs to relieve myself.

Oh, how I suffer. Woe. Woe. Woe.

Oh, punch me. =)

Walls are absurdly thin, and any conversation from anywhere in this house can be heard from anywhere else, shattering any remote fragment of privacy possible. But I'm okay with that, too. Why complain, I'm happy overall. This house is kickass.

My father brought many things with him here, mostly furniture and new replacements. Actually, how the hell did he manage to carry all those things to and fro the airport? BY HIMSELF?

Holy crap, my father is Superman.

Note to self: investigate this further.

He brought a gift for me as well. A watch. A very glamorous watch. I love it.

My whole family is big on watches. My dad has one. My mom has one. My sister has one. And they never go anywhere without it. Well, anywhere important, I mean. They're not going to strap on their watches to go to the toilet or anything. That'd just be silly.

Har har.

So anyway, I was the only member of the Lau clan not in possession of any fine timepieces. My father decided to give me a watch to commemorate my......

.....

Actually, he had no reasons for giving me this watch. We were in Taiwan in January when he saw the ad on TV for this watch. And then he called me over and asked, "Eh, that watch. You like? Want?"

To which I replied, "AWEIFJAOWEFJ SEXY OMG YES."

So he ordered it, but only received it after I had returned to Australia.

And now, it's sitting pretty on my arm.

Let me tell you, this is not a girly watch. It's a huge watch. It's bigger than my sister's or my mother's. No, scratch that -- it's bigger than my sister and mother's watches combined.

I always thought those small watches were cute and very pretty. I now see the error of my ways though. Big watches are AWESOME. No squinting at the clockface, trying to deem whether it's 4 or 5 o'clock, no trying to figure out which is the minute and hour hand!

Maybe my eyesight just sucks?

So yes, it's a big kickass watch I own. Leather strap, gold, huge numerals (only multiples of three's present! All other numbers are clearly useless), shiny bling, and sheer class embodied in this sophisticated timepiece.

It doesn't run on batteries. It runs on magic. Okay, it runs on...um...mechanical energy? Screw it, I've forgotten everything I learnt in science. Um, I think it's mechanical energy. You shake your hand, some thing swings around in the back, which gives energy to the little ticker, which turns the gears?

...that's mechanical energy, yes?

...anyway...the point is, it lacks a battery. Which actually kind means I have to keep swinging my hand around, or else the clock will stop running. Well, maybe not so dire, but I have to move it at least once every ~8 hours or so. And I'm pretty confident that I move my hands a lot more times than once every eight hours.

Pretty darn confident, sir.

The back's transparent, which lets you see into the inner workings of the watch. Pretty rocking, I think.

Did I seriously spend a whole huge chunk of paragraphs talking about my watch?

...Really?

Wow. I'm really procrastinating from my work here.

Summary of post: Optus blows like the wind, removable showerheads are my reason for living, my father is Superman, I'm madly in love with my new watch and am going to procreate with it.

Oh, and, like, my watch is Gucci. Oohhhhhhhh~~

(have a safe trip, father <3)

2009-02-08T23:40:00.002+11:00

Tonight at dinner, I noticed something. My mother was hunching over her food, back slightly stooped, head bowed down and forward.

I hadn't been so frightened in a long time.

It was the hunch of elderly people. The stature of age, marked by an inability to support oneself up straight. You see it quite clearly everywhere in elders. They're hunched forward, sometimes face towards the ground, sometimes not. Everyone have seen this before and knows what I'm talking about.

I've never really recognized time's effects on my parents. On me and my sister, yes, of course. But never my parents. They are immortal to me, preserved eternally by my love and memory.

So I was scared when I saw my mother's shoulders drawn forward, in a nearly detached manner away from her body. I wanted to say something. I wanted to tell her to sit straight, not down. I didn't though. I'm not her mother. It's the other way around. And it's ironic...I'm the hunched one.

Later, we began talking. About the fish she had cooked, about doughnuts, about this coming Tuesday, about ginger and it's health benefits. I noticed then that she had straightened up.

I'm never going to ignore her. I love her too much to let her feel the effects of time.

I wish my father was here to be with her as well.

2009-01-12T21:28:00.002+11:00

There's something, a feeling or sensation, that fills and warms my heart when my father says he's proud of me.

A feeling unable to be called forth by any other means than my father's praise.

His pride gives me a figment of purpose in life, one that I'll stretch wide apart and paint my life on.

2008-11-20T19:52:00.001+11:00

done with exams

bob the builder ftw! (obama stole material from him, totally)

2008-11-10T15:02:00.003+11:00

Exams start tomorrow!

Can I do it?

YES I CAN!

Tomorrow, it's English and IT.

I need to do well. I hope I will do well. I can do well!

For some strange reasons, I'm not so very stressed out about the exams. Despite the fact that it's going to start in less than 24 hours, I'm just sitting here...not stressing.

You might think that's a sign that I'm confident and that I know everything I need to. But that's not the case.

Going to go throw myself into piles of books and God's arms for this.

See you in 2 weeks.

Muse

2008-11-02T00:13:00.002+11:00

I don't know if you guys realized, but I renamed my blog and gave it a new description. The seemingly random words at the end of the description are words/symbols that remind me of certain people. There's one for each person. Try to guess which one you are? :P

Been writing. A little bit. I wrote 3 pages a few days back. I actually really like this piece, even though I think it'd be confusing for most. I'm going to force someone to read it and critique it. And yes, Soph, I'm thinking of you.

Exams will destroy me. But not if I destroy them first!

Procrastination through Determination

2008-10-24T00:19:00.002+11:00

I had to check my underwear to see what color it was. =X

And somehow, Yvonne and eggplant-fetishism go together well. :D

(Sorry, Vonn, left you for Soph <3)

Dear Vonn,

I don't really know how to tell you this, but our romance is over. I think I realized it when we skinny dipped outside of Chicago and I saw you sit on Manchester United's goalkeeper.

I'm sure you're scarred enough to understand that I'm open.

I'm returning your ring to you, but I'll keep your mom as a memory. You should also know that I Will tell the authorities about eggplant-fetishism.

Go burn,

Roanne Lau RouYuan

1. What's the color of your shirt?

Blue - Our romance is over

Red - Our affair is over

White - I'll join the monastery

Black - I dislike you

Green - Our horoscope doesn't match

Grey - You're a pervert

Yellow - I'm selling myself

Pink - Your nostrils are insulting

Brown - The mafia wants you

No shirt - You're a loser

Other - I'm in love with your sister

2. Which is your birth month?

January - That night

February - Last year

March - When your dwarf bit me

April - When I tripped on sesame seeds

May - First of May

June - When you put cuffs on me

July - When I threw up

August - When I saw the shrunken head

September - When we skinny dipped

October - When I quoted Santa

November - When your dog ran amok

December - When I changed tennis shoes

3. Which food do you prefer?

Tacos - In your apartment

Pizza - In your camping car

Pasta - Outside of Chicago

Hamburgers - Under the bus

Salad - As you ate enchilada

Chicken - In your closet

Kebab - With Paris Hilton

Fish - In women's clothing

Sandwiches - At the Hare Krishna graduation

Lasagna - At the mental hospital

Hot dog - Under a state of trance

None of the above - With George Bush and his wife

4. What's the color of your socks?

Yellow - Hit on

Red - Insult

Black - Ignore

Blue - Knock out

Purple - Pour syrup on

White - Carve your initials into

Grey - Pull the clothes off

Brown - Put leeches on

Orange - Castrate

Pink - Pull the toupee off

Barefoot - Sit on

Other - Drive out

5. What's the color of your underwear?

Black - My best friend

White - My father

Grey - Bill Clinton

Brown - My fart balloon

Purple - My mustard soufflé

Red - Donald Duck

Blue - My avocado plant

Yellow - My penpal in Ghana

Orange - My Kid Rock collection

Pink - Manchester United's goalkeeper

None - My John F. Kennedy-statue

Other - The crazy monk

6. What do you prefer to watch on TV?

Scrubs - Man

O.C. - Emotional

One Tree Hill - Open

Heroes - Frostbitten

Lost - High

House - Scarred

Simpsons - Cowardly

The news - Mongolic

American Idol - Masochistic

Family Guy - Senile

Top Model - Middle-class

None of the above - Ashamed

7. Your mood right now?

Happy - How awful I've felt

Sad - How boring you are

Bored - That Santa doesn't exist

Angry - That your pimples are at the last stage

Depressed - That we're cousins

Excited - That there is no solution to this.

Nervous - The middle-east

Worried - That your Honda sucks

Apathetic - That I did a sex-change

Ashamed - That I'm allergic to your

- That I get turned on by garbage men

Overjoyous - That I'm open

Other - That Extreme Home Makeover sucks

8. What's the color of your walls in your bedroom?

White - Your ring

Yellow - Your love letters

Red - Your Darth Vader poster

Black - Your tame stone

Blue - The couch cushions

Green - The pictures from LA

Orange - Your false teeth

Brown - Your contact book

Grey - Our matching snoopy bibs

Purple - Your old lottery coupons

Pink - The cut toenails

Other - Your memories from the military service

9. The first letter of your first name?

A/B - Your photo

C/D - The oil stocks

E/F - Your neighbour Martin

G/H - My virginity

I/J - The results of your blood-sample

K/L - Your left ear

M/N - Your suicide note

O/P - My common sense

Q/R - Your mom

S/T - Your collection of butterflies

U/V - Your criminal record

W/X - David's tricot outfits

Y/Z - Your grades from college

10. The last letter in your last name?

A/B - Always will remember

C/D - Never will forget

E/F - Always wanted to break

G/H - Never openly mocked

I/J - Always have felt dirty before

K/L - Will tell the authorities about

M/N - Told in my confession today about

O/P - Was interviewed by the Times about

Q/R - Told my psychiatrist about

S/T - Get sick when I think of'

U/V - Always will try to forget

W/X - Am better off without

Y/Z - Never liked

11. What do you prefer to drink?

Water- Our friendship

Beer - Senility

Soft drink - A new life as a clone

Soda - The incarnation as an Eskimo

Milk - The apartment building

Wine - Cocaine abuseCider - A passionate interest for mice

Juice - Oprah Winfrey imitations

Mineral water - Embarrassing rash

Hot chocolate - Eggplant-fetishism

Whisky - To ruin the second world war

Other - To hate the Boston Celtics

12. To which country would you prefer to go on a vacation?

Thailand - Warm regards

USA - Best regards

England - Good luck on your short-term leave from jail

Spain - Go and drown yourself

China - Disgusting regards

Germany - With ease

Japan - Go burn

Greece - Your everlasting enemy

Australia - Greetings to your frog Leonard

Egypt - Poke you eye ball now

France - In pain

Other - Greetings to your freaky family

Tagged: You!

120%

2008-10-18T18:26:00.002+11:00

Cough is getting a lot better! Still there, but my white blood cells are working hard to evict them.

Exams in 3 weeks, and nowhere near prepared.

Wishlist for self-persona:

Priority recognition
Time management (never ever)
Reality check
Stability
Commitment
Maturity
Love

Lately, in order to compensate for my lack of writing, I've been mentally scripting out things I see. My friends have noticed it too. They keep asking me if I have enough sleep, because they always see me 'daydreaming.'

Sometimes I'm not quite sure where to draw the line between daydreaming, dreaming, and reality. They all form a prism, with me sitting at the very meeting point (mitzpah).

Google Chrome is awesome. Will get braces in a few weeks (omg, help me pick a color! Blue/green/orange?)

DATE FOR ROANNE'S RETURN !WRITE THIS IN YOUR DIARY/CALENDARS/HANDPHONE ORGANIZERS/ETC! - DECEMBER 12

HOHOHOHOHOHO!

Prepare yourself Malaysia, a storm is coming!

Yes, Ms Catherine did wish me "Happy Birthday"

2008-09-30T23:53:00.003+10:00

i've developed a sudden cough. D=
apparently jaejoong also has a cough right now. WE ARE SO DESTINED FOR EACH OTHER, OMG!

And since i've added new pics + changed my relationship status in facebook, I've gotten a HUGE amount of friend requests + comments of current friends. wow. I need to get fake-married and have fake-babies more often. :D

<3 Soph, my husband.

YES, SHE'S THE MAN! I'M ALL WOMANLY AND ELEGANT, SHE'S ALL MANLY AND...MANLY!

hohoho. there's more chances of her being able to carry me over a threshold than me carrying her though. that's very true. *weak arms*

Her house was awesome. I had a lot of fun baking my own wedding cake. AND JAEDA LOVES ME! <3 SHE LOOOOVES ME, SHE LOOOOVES MEEEEE! (i think she does?)
Hah, she stared and smiled at me, and she's so hyper and awesome. she kept coming up to me, and I thought she wanted me to carry or hug her. but it turned out she just kept wanting to take the stuffed pig or cushion away from me. D=
SHE STILL LOVES ME!
(i hope)
it's my natural motherly presence that welcomes her and makes her feel all comfortable around me! yes yes, i truly believe in that!

....I want my own children. D= 20 sons, 5 daughters. please, God, please.

As always, had a lot of fun with Soph. :D she's so spazztastic. <3 soph, come over to my house yeah? kekekeke

<3

2008-09-24T01:15:00.001+10:00

Mom
Soph
Julian
Zoe - http://www.chunkyfunkymunky.blogspot.com/
Rachel
Benedict
Vern

That's who has wished me so far. :D In order, of course. Zoe's post dedication to me pwns. Her photoshop skills wins, and I fail at tanning. :D kekeke!

Happy birthday to me! (oh, the vanity!)

Low Battery

2008-09-22T22:34:00.003+10:00

She mulled over her writings, pencil at the ready, always swift to cross out any word that didn't please her. She murmured to herself

no, not that word, 'desired' maybe? 'longed for'? ah, yes, 'wished'!

as she went along, searching for the words that would complete the jigsaw puzzle.

Writing wasn't romantic for her. Not at all. For some others, writing was as romantic as love, as spring, as Paris, as rainbows and butterflies. But for her, it wasn't. It wasn't romance. It wasn't expression. It was life. And she clung to her life desperately, knowing full well that without it, she'd lose her voice.

She scribbled along, rushing -- others took their time in writing, penning down every word with great care -- always rushing. Life was calling for her, and she was ready to answer it immediately.

Finitos

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hahaha, okay, I don't know what that was about. I just needed to quickly write something. I haven't written anything in ages -- bad Roanne! -- and I need to express something (yes express. That girl up there is not me -- writing is my way of expression). My muse decided to come back from her vacation. Well, not really. My muse ditched me many years ago and still hasn't returned, but I'm getting along fine without it. She'll come crawling back to me! They all do! Rawr.

But yes, I needed to write a quick drabble. That one up there had no direction at all, I just wrote on impulse. It's too simple and un-pretty. :( And also, random. But heck, random is what drabbles are. I don't know. I'll work on something pretty later. Maybe something romaaaaantic for my birthday, kekeke.

I think I'll start posting random writings up here -- in order to make up for my lack of updates. You know, I'd love critiques and comments - especially critiques - but I have a feeling that most of my writings will be too short to warrant anything. Hahaha, oh well.

And OMG, LOL @ Vonn's "gotta catch them all!"

Behold! And all was right in the world once more!

2008-09-12T21:20:00.002+10:00

Hark, a new post!

Okay, no one checks my blog anyway, hahaha. =D Yesh, it's my fault for not updating. But it's Korowa's fault for not letting me update.

Actually, it's the education system in general. DARN YOU, SCHOOLS!

Okay, so are there any new updates about me?

...NO! Roanne is eternally the same. Never-ever-changing, always remaining the same wonderful girl. Forever. And ever. And you all must be so grateful for that.

Oh, right, I cut my hair. More layered now (as in, it's more obvious than last time). I'm happy with my hair. No fringe also. Screw you fringes, you go take your oh-ow-stop-poking-me-in-the-eye-hair-strands to someone else. Not for me, hair fibers! Not for me!

Anyway, yeah, it's shorter, and I can't do my cute pigtail braids anymore (RIP cute schoolgirl look) because all the hair will stick out randomly, and I'd look like Medusa with braided hair.

But it's nifty. I don't think you guys would notice any difference though. No one ever notices when I do something with my hair, seriously! Everytime I get a haircut, and whine about how the hairdresser cut too much off, everybody would just say, "...you got a haircut?"

Heck, last time, when I got a PERM, no one noticed. A PERM. PERM. P-E-R-M! As in, curly locks of love. NO ONE noticed.

(actually, that was because my hair somehow can't be permed and went straight during the weekend, as I had gotten my hair permed on Friday...which brings me to another point)

So, my hair is uber straight, yah? We all know that. It's a gift and a curse for me. Easy to maintain, but I love curly hair. Like, really love curly hair, the nice long elegant swooping mega-ringlet (not those small, multiple ones, but the type of ringlets that swirl down into one smart, elegant and classy ringlet). But my mom doesn't want me to.

And in a way, I'm okay with that. Because 1) I might suck with curly hair (I AM NOT A RISK-TAKER!) and 2) You know how a perm fades with time right? I personally think that for most people, during the period when the perm fades (approx. 3~6 months), the hair turns out really raggedly and un-classy. And I don't want that. Roanne + unclassy = DOES NOT COMPUTE!

But anyway, my now-more-layered-hair has more shape in it. Well, moreso than last time. I love you, hairdresser lady.

Hairdresser lady (henceforth referred to as HL, or Hello Litty) is a Malaysian, too. And she speaks in the most Malaysian-Cantonized way ever. I love her.
My sister doesn't like her though. Cause Hello Litty gave her a strange, omg-there's-a-bird's-nest-on-your-head fringe last time. Rachel's all "Never more, Hello Litty! You can take your scissors somewhere else, my money will never enter your pocket!"

Rachel's fringe is now all awesome though, thanks to an Australian hairdresser she saw a few weeks back. His name is Robert, and they serve hot chocolate in his hairdressing shop. He's awesome. I've never met him. Mom won't let me go there though, cause he charges 3 times as much as Hello Litty.

Oh well. My hair is made of win. =)

And yes Vonn, I'd like to buy a student. Buy 1 get one free, you say? I'll buy 2 then. I want four kids. ALL BOYS PLZ! Can I choose? I want Ivan. Oh, wait, can I have Jovene too? :D

Oh, and SOPH IS COMING HERE TOMORROW, OMG?

And....MY BIRTHDAY IS NEXT NEXT WEEK, OMG??? I expected to be bombarded by presents from you all. Send via snail mail please, I love you all.

Oh saya tuhan! (hahaha what what?)

2008-08-01T18:55:00.002+10:00

I am both a lazy little pig and a very busy nerd, thus I haven't updated this Roanne-forsaken blog.

Anyway, holidays are over, school's up again. Homework's killing me.

Watched Batman on Sunday. Was very good. Go watch it now. When the credits rolled, everyone in the cinema started applauding. :D

I think my memory's improving, but my concentration is started to falter really quickly. D=

Daddy dearest is returning tomorrow night -- with a weight scale for me. HAHAHHA! Also hopefully some games/music CDs. Again, he's bought a whole bunch of Chinese dramas for Mom. ~_~ If Mom watched romantic comedies or something, I'd watch along and try to focus on what they're saying to learn Mandarin. But nay, she watches old war movies with cheesy sword clashing sound effects. And also, old guys with strange strange moustaches.

I need to start managing my time better. D=

UPDATE END!

Oh wait, one more thing. What the heck is with random spam on my chatbox? AASKDFJAWELKASKAHI!

2008-06-27T21:58:00.001+10:00

i'm sleepy.

but HAPPY!

Why? BECAUSE I'M NOW OFFICIALLY HAVING MY SCHOOL HOLIDAYS!!!!!

*drops off to bed*

aza aza!

2008-06-21T19:25:00.004+10:00

Argh, I don't know why I can't move the thing up here. Just scroll down, child!



		I will marry JaeJoong.
		After a wild honeymoon, We will settle down in Christmas Island in our fabulous Shack.
		We will have 1234567 kid(s) together.
		Our family will zoom around in a green Lamborghini.
		I will spend my days as a professional chocolate taster, and live happily ever after.

JaeJoong! 1234567 kids! green Lamborghini! professional chocolate taster! Aiee! That would be a dream. Dunno why I put down Christmas Island though. I didn't get either Japan, South Korea, Malaysia, or Australia. D=

lazy~~~

EDIT: Contrary to popular belief, I did not put in JaeJoong in all five entry boxes. THE THING JUST CHOSE HIM FOR ME, OKAY? IT'S DESTINY, FATE, KISMET, BLAH BLAH!

2008-06-06T22:42:00.002+10:00

Random fact of the day: there is no Hokkien word for: bra, airport, and pattern. And other words, but eh, let's keep it simple for now.

Bonus random fact: Hokkien is the best Chinese dialect. It's true!

Week 1 of exams OVER! Time to begin Long Weekend Revision For Week 2. Monday is a holiday, a celebration for the Queen's birthday. ALL HAIL THE QUEEN!

Next week, IT and Biology exams. Hu hu hu.

Party ti -- wait, no, wrong

2008-06-03T20:52:00.002+10:00

Exams start tomorrow! First up, ENGLISH!

Will be doing a language analysis and an essay on プライドと僻み. Also known as Pride and Prejudice. Hu hu hu, I have no idea whether my Japanese is correct? I know I got the correct words down (プライド = pride, と = and, 僻み = prejudice) but maybe I have the wrong context for these words? There's probably other synonymous words more suited for this context. Hahaha, nevermind. Can't wait till I can TOSS THE FREAKING BOOK OUT OF MY WINDOW! DIEEEEEEEEEE, AUSTEN!!!

(I love you Soph, forgive me darling!)

After the exams, I plan to commence my LINGUAL IMMERSION in all three Asian languages that I so desperately want to learn: Chinese, Korean, and Japanese! Hu hu hu, can't wait. And yes, I realize that attempting to learn three languages at once may cause severe brain damage to myself. But what the heart so desperately desires, the mind and the soul will act accordingly. Or something equally stupid-sounding.

Seriously. All three of those languages are so wonderful. And Hangul is the most awesome thing ever. MINI-SYMBOLS UNITING INTO ONE MEGA-GUNDAM! Okay, I'll calm down.

But Japanese and Korean grammar keep insisting on tripping me, gnawing on my pants leg, and then throwing eggs at me. I hate grammar. Chinese grammar is so much easier. D= Well, kinda. Is there actually any difference between Chinese and English grammar? I can't actually think of any. Probably because I don't really know much Chinese in the first place, heh.

Anyway, meanwhile, I'm currently freaking out. I'm pretty sure I'm not going to do well. At all. Well, maybe on English and IT. But I'll fail Biology, Chemistry, and Math Methods. I'm pretty sure of it.

Pray for me? Please? :D

Oh, fudgecakes. Googled it, and it's supposed to be プライドと偏見. I TRIED, OKAY, I TRIED! *cries* 僻み does mean prejudice though...:(...maybe for another context. Bleh.

More kanji to learn, I suppose. Every little thing I learn is a step towards mastering the language! I must be 前向き! (Optimistic) AND I KNOW I GOT THAT CORRECT, OKAY? (I hope)

Okay, I'll stop procrastinating and go study now. Pray for me, kthx, love you all, hug hug hugs, saya memeluk awak, cium cium cium

(come on guys, start chanting, "GO ROANNE! GO ROANNE! GO GO GO ROANNE!", and dance!)

mosquitoes must DIE

2008-05-17T15:02:00.002+10:00

I hate them. Grararara.
On Thursday, I was petting the neighborhood cat (name's Jazz, and is so cute and fat, and I love cats now haha). And then, lo and behold, a mosquito bit my pinky finger. Within ten minutes, my finger had swollen up quite badly, but I figured it'd go away.

It's Saturday now, and it's swelling really badly. My pinky finger's width is now bigger than my THUMB. My freaking THUMB.

And the spot where the mosquito bit me keeps producing this weird, yellow pus-juice thing. I have to keep wiping it off with a tissue. It's on my left hand, too, so writing is now really hard. And I have to do my homework. Lousy mosquitoes, trying to make me fail my exams. Seriously, if I write, I'll have to bend my pinky, which makes the juice squirt out more and my finger swell more. I don't know what to do. :(

You know the loose skin around the middle of the finger? The part where the finger bends? Yeah, for my pinky, that spot is all swollen up completely, and fat looking. It's like having an obese finger.

On a happier note, DBSK/Tohoshinki is totally brightening my life up. OH JAEJOONG/YUNHO, MARRY ME! And of course, Teppei. ^_^

oh, i wuv youuuu anberlin!

2008-05-12T21:13:00.002+10:00

OH YES HOT STUFF ANBERLIN! Akakaka!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/New_Surrender

Their fourth studio album currently slated for an August release.

OH YES! I am pumped! I need more awesome songs to fuel my playlist! The album will be "guitar-heavy", but I really hope they put in one or two happy-poppy songs like Autobahn or Downtown Song. ^_^

And there'll be "diverse instruments"...like the sitar. Whoa, the sitar. Awesomesauce. And they also want one of their tracks to be playable on Rock Band. WHOOAAAAAAAA!

This is their first album with their new record company, by the way. It's a 'major label' : Universal Republic Records. Now, pretend that you know what that is. Because I know that I don't. =/

But regardless: Anberlin will rock. Oh, right, and because I know most of you won't care to read the wiki article, I'll just copy-pasta a quote regarding the album title, New Surrender:

We will all come to the point in our life where we have to admit that we feel
defeated, that something has conquered us. We must change, not because we want
to, but because we desperately have to. We can not take life in its current
suffocating state, even to admit such desperation shows that we are feeling
deserted, wandering the barren desert, a shell of our former selves. It is only
up from here, it is impossible to sink any lower into ourselves or our
circumstances. But we can be salvaged, a deliverance. No vice can stand, no fix
can take. The thorn in the side can be removed, but you have to be willing to
admit and surrender. Surrender your habits, your lifestyle, your past, your
present, and your future. This is your new surrender. The new surrender.

Why, yes sir, Mr. Christian, ye are a poet sir! Yar!

August, come quickly!!

By the way, I think this is a record for me. How many updates already? Normally I only update twice a month. Wakaka. I think I'm just procrastinating studying. Lol. D=

I am a sad panda. And also, a banana.

2008-05-12T00:42:00.002+10:00

I feel a lot of regret over not doing more when I was younger.

I think that the reason why I feel that I don't have a lot of free time now is because there's so much I want to do. I want to play the piano, I want to learn the guitar, I want to develop my musical ability, I want to learn Mandarin, I want to learn Japanese, and I want to write like a frenzied artist.

When I was younger, I should've taken advantage of my free time to further my piano and Mandarin studies. But nooooo, I had to not be interested in them back then.

I don't "regret" any of my decisions. They make sense to me still. I stopped piano and Mandarin because I didn't like it. I don't learn anything if I don't like it, really. But I just wish that...I had wanted to learn it back then. If I was interested back then, I know I could've achieved so much.

And so now, I have to cram in writing, learning languages, and learning instruments into any time I have that isn't dedicated to studying.

I think I do sound quite silly lah. But I really want to be awesome at all these things. I want to be a polyglot (can speak a lot of languages lah), an awesomesauce writer, and a OMGWOWOWOWOW musician. And I know that if I keep working at these things, I can and will one day be all those things. But with what little time I have to practice these things, that 'one day' is very far away.

I haven't practiced guitar in weeks. WEEKS! When I finally practice again, my fingers are going to hurt like heck.

What I regret: not having good time-management skills. Oh time, where are thou?

I'm going to make my kids watch Nodame Cantabile so that they'll want to learn an instrument and Japanese, and make them listen to awesome (not ulu opera songs) Chinese songs so that they'll want to learn that.

Oh, and I wish I had taken up violin. I was actually suppose to study violin! I remember going to the music store with my family and looking at a selection of small, cute violins meant for a small girl like me! But...I don't remember why I didn't study it. O_o. I went with piano after that.

And you know what that means? IT MEANS THAT I CAN'T JOIN AN ORCHESTRA! Darn it all, how am I supposed to meet hot musicians and have awesome romantic dramas with them? I LOST MY CHANCE AT A REAL-LIFE J-DRAMA! *cries*

Oh, and I want to do Vonn's awesome photo tag thing. But I'm quite lazy! I also don't have a lot of photos. D= I'll get around to it though. Meanwhile, KEEP TAGGING ME PEOPLE! WITH NON-TIMECONSUMING PHOTO TAGS! JUST WORDREPLY TAGS PLS!

Summary = I'm a sad black-and-white banana.

2008-05-08T22:48:00.002+10:00

I fell asleep in class today. I woke up riiiiight before my teacher went, "Are you sleeping, Roanne?" To which I quickly replied, "Huh, oh, no, of course not!"

I'm such a good student, hor?

I have a maths test tomorrow. Pray for me plskthxbai. Oh, and also an IT excursion! We're going to the city...TO A GAMES EXHIBITION! OMG OMG OMG, PSYCH!!!!!!! I love IT. Wakakaka. Exhibition is about gaming, history of games and whatnot. I AM HYPED!!!!!

But then...MATHS TEST.

But then! GAMES!

But then...MATHS TEST!

But then...GAMES!!!

I'm contemplating taking up piano lessons again, at my school. I want to not suck at it. ~_~

BTW, Vonn, START FACEBOOK-WALLING!!!! ~_~_~_~_~_~ I WANT EPIC POSTS, DARN YOUUUU!!! And papayas do not suck. Squeeze lemons over them and they rock. AND they make your boobs grow (according to some Chinese tradition, lol). Thus, they are vital to me. :( I hate being an airport. ~_~

Back to music-topic: I wish I was more musically attuned. D= Like, perfect pitch, sense of rhythm, blah blah blah. I have the worst hand-eye coordination too. And heck, left hand-right hand coordination.

....mangosteens, where art thou? D= Currently, my fantasy is hugging Teppei Koike who's holding a bowl full of mangosteens and rambutans.

Anyway, back to maths. Anyone want to help me? PRAY FOR ME :D!

From condoms to fruits

2008-05-03T23:27:00.003+10:00

Dear Australian supermarkets,

Please stop overpricing your papayas outrageously. RM20 for a small, unripe little green ball is ridiculous. Also, please stock rambutans and mangosteens for reasonable prices. Also, I would like to request tasty mango, not those pathetic unripe abominations that sit under the white paper sign labelling them as "Mangos". Those are not mangos. Those are sins. Please purchase a ticket to Malaysia, and proceed to buy and taste the mangos there. Those are mangos. Those are divinity incarnated as a fruit.

Also, in case I lost you in my first sentence, what I call a 'papaya' is what you call 'pawpaws'. Don't ask me why I use a clearly superior title for these heavenly fruits. Rather, ask yourselves why you insist on using such a stupid name for such respectable fruits.

Thank you for your time. I hope you will take into consideration everything I've written and come to the conclusion that I am right and you are wrong. Good day.

Yours truly,
A very cranky, fruit-starved Malaysian.

Oh, Korowa youuuuu, lolol

2008-05-02T01:41:00.003+10:00

My school gave me a condom. WAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!

They sprung a sex education thinggy on us under the guise of the title "Decision Making". They also showed us a video, and there was this short segment where there was a model of a guy's ding-a-ling-ling and taught us how to put on a condom.

I have no idea why they're teaching an all-girls' school how to put on a condom. But hey, lol!

Oh, and throughout the whole thing, I was covering my face with a white scarf (borrowed from Gloria dahling) because I was giggling and tittering. SO MATURE, AMIRITE? wakakaka. I think I'll eternally be laughing whenever someone mentions sex to me. WAKAKAKAKA!

The condom was made in Malaysia, btw. I had no idea that Malaysia even produced condoms. I don't know why.

I think my mom threw it away already, hahahah.

Oh, and stress. BUT I SHALL PERSEVERE! FOR TEPPEI KOIKE! AND WYAAAAATT! <3<3

2008-04-22T19:30:00.002+10:00

Tagged by Nina Banana

1. What do you do when someone physically attacks you for no reason?
RUN AWAAAAAAYY!!!

2. Do you sing along to songs even if u don't like the song?
Yes...

3. What do you think has been the hardest decision you've had to make this far?
...becoming a dentist? No, seriously. I STILL AM NOT SUREEEEE! OH FUTURE, WHAT ARE THOU?

4. What do you do when you're upset?
scream gibberish words.

5. What is the one thing that always or mostly makes you feel better?
Teppei Koike. What?

6. What do you do when you're alone?
Sing. Sexily. *eyebrow wiggle* (actually, I just play games, cause my parents will scold me if they see me playing games, so I must play in secret, yep yep)

7. What are you feeling now?
PROCRASTINATION! is that a feeling?

8. What would you do if you had only one day to live?
Fly to Japan to propose to Teppei. He can't exactly say no to a dying girl's wishes, can he? Mwehehehe

9. What is your favorite phrase?
*throws a plate of potatoes at you* & "THEY'RE ALL POTATOES!"

10. What is your definition of entertainment? (example please.)
Games...? Um....fangirling and watching j-dramas! Yes! OH NODAME CANTABILE, THOU ART AWESOME!

11. What do you hate most?
Orals. English orals. Regarding boring books.

12. What are you craving at the moment?
Teppei Koike

13. Which country would you like to reside in permanently?
This is actually a really hard question for me. Malaysia? Australia? Japan? HEAVEN? WHO KNOWS?

14. Are you in some form or way a masochist?
Yes. *sexy eyebrow wiggle*

15. What is the one thing you really like about yourself?
My eyebrows My randomness.

16. What is the one thing you don't like about yourself?
My nose. My procrastination and fear of public speaking.

17. What is your most unrealistic dream?
Marrying Teppei Koike. :(

18. What do you think of global warming; true or false?
True lah

19. Who is better Tyra Banks or Oprah (if you haven't seen at least 10 minutes of either, please refrain from answering).
Oprah. What kind of question is this. Pfft.

20. What is home to you?
Home is where the laughter is! ^_^ It can be anywhere, and everywhere! It's where I can feel happy!

21. What is the one thing your parents do that irritate you the most?
...their nagging and obsession with studies ANNNDDDD strictness. rawr

22. What is your perception of yourself?
Don't really understand this question...? Um...I'm...a...girl? Er...what?

23. What is the craziest thing you've ever done?
...nothing, actually. I can't think of anything. OH GOSH, I AM DULL!

24. Liquid soap or soap bar?
BAR SOAP, DOODS!

25. What is the one stupidest thing you've done that you can say, "I'm never doing that again!"?
Hahah, nothing. Everything's there for learning experiences.

FINITO!

OH MAN, I'M BORING WITH TAGS! BUT HEY, TAG ME, BABY!

BAR SOAP OR BODY WASH? YOUR VOTE!

2008-04-04T16:00:00.002+11:00

vonn far far away says:
brb. is washing hands and mouth with soap
Nomchan ~ Lovely ★ Complex! says:
...WASHING YOUR MOUTH WITH SOAP?
omg
ewwwww
are you sticking the soap bar inside or something
vonn far far away says:
eer
wash outside of mouth
we use body wash
bar soap is so yesterday
Nomchan ~ Lovely ★ Complex! says:
oohhh
bar soaps are for the hardcore!
vonn far far away says:
no
for the outdated
Nomchan ~ Lovely ★ Complex! says:
hardcore maaann
when you're out in the jungle, you don't have body wash
YOU HAVE BAR SOAP
when you're in a desert, you dont' have body wash
YOU HAVE BAR SOAP
when you're underwater in an old ship, you don't have body wash
YOU HAVE BAR SOAP
vonn far far away says:
u can bring body wash in bottle
it is likez teh travel pack?!
Nomchan ~ Lovely ★ Complex! says:
.....BAR SOAP
vonn far far away says:
noh
Nina says:
i love soap
vonn far far away says:
body wash in ze bottle
omg retards
Nomchan ~ Lovely ★ Complex! says:
post this in your blog
Nina says:
wat
Nomchan ~ Lovely ★ Complex! says:
AND LET YOUR READERS DECIDE
to soap or to not soap!
vonn far far away says:
wth
okay
Nomchan ~ Lovely ★ Complex! says:
that is the question
vonn far far away says:
hahahaha
Nina says:
haha omg
vonn far far away says:
ALL OF US HAVE TO POST IN OUR BLOGS OKAY

2008-04-02T15:30:00.001+11:00

my parents are making me hate the holidays.

greatly hate it.

~_~

and tong hua is so awesome.

2008-03-20T01:40:00.001+11:00

OH YES HALLELUJAH TODAY IS THE LAST DAY OF SCHOOL

currently 1:41AM. In 14 hours, I'll be a FREE BIRD!

i also have a huge religion test in the morning. And I'm wasting my time blogging instead. Oh Lord help me.

LAST DAY OF SCHOOL! LAST DAY OF SCHOOL! NYA NYA NYA, LAST DAY OF SCHOOL!

2008-03-10T21:19:00.002+11:00

wah, almost a month since my last post.

and I did try to take pics. but I look very stupid in all of them. so no pics for you guys! suckers! unless, you want pics of my teddybears + rabbit. they look very nice actually. heheeh

i'll post pics. One day. when I get off my arse and can be bothered to snap pictures properly.

HAHAHAHA THAT'LL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN!

hn, i want to post something, but I forgot what. :(

two more weeks till school holiday!

And I just noticed that I don't properly capitalize the first word of every sentence. I'm not sure why. I'll change that now; it's very annoying to read in my opinion.

Oh, and guys, remember to buy my book when I publish it. One day. =)

And also, please, book a ticket to come to Australia. Please. All of you. I'll let you all sleep in my house on the floor. Just come here and hang out with meeeee!

Oh! And I just discovered that I can see into my neighbor's house through my kitchen window. I was watching them intently for 10 minutes earlier. It's pretty cool. Spying.

I always wanted to be a spy. Since I was a kid. Yes...to work for a secret organization, fighting crime, getting cool gadgets...yar....

Oh, I have 4 tests this week. English, Maths Methods, Chemistry, and Biology. The Big 4. pray for me, darlings? I love Biology, with all my heart. It is the greatest, most interesting subject in the world, and I have the greatest teacher in the world. Chemistry is freaking hard, but my teacher is good. Math is hard, bleh. English is the language of evil.

I've become increasing lazy in practicing my guitar and piano. Guitar, moreso, as I know so little so I have so little to practice. For piano, I know some songs and ditties to waste away my time "practicing".

I need a muse. Someone to inspire me. Motivate me. Someone to brighten up my day and make me jump for joy every second. Someone who'll make me want to be my very best.

I should get a crush lah. Not love or anything, but just a crush. That'll make me want to do stuff more. Fact!

My heart is powered by love! ^_^

Oh, and I just started watching anime! Lovely Complex! It's super funny and cute! It's a romantic comedy about a girl who's taller than most, and a guy who's shorter than most. Will they overcome their differences, put aside their fights, and fall in love? Naaaaah!

Anyway, I must depart, my little darlings! Farewell, farewell!

2008-02-11T22:35:00.000+11:00

year 11 so stressful.

:(

nevermind...like, 26 more school days till term break. In March. WHY CAN'T MARCH BE TOMORROW?????

*sweatdrop*

2008-02-03T21:42:00.000+11:00

hahahaha.

was just watching the first episode of So You Think You Can Dance, the Australian version. There was this really freaky lady. She kept saying that she was dancing because she was in love with Gary, her partner. And he was just keeping quiet, and looking freaked out.

And there was this 15 y/o boy who danced really really well, contemporary. He got a standing ovation from the judges. but he couldn't get in because of his age. =(

School started, yeah.
So much homework, so little time. ='(

Daddy's coming back on Wednesday! :happyface:
<3<3<3<3 Goooooo Team Lau! XD

2008-01-23T11:43:00.000+11:00

NOOOOO HEATH LEDGER NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

WHY GOD WHYYYYYYYY

NOT HEATH! ANYONE BUT HEATH! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

HEEAAAAATTTHHHH

WHHYYYYYY

*cries*

i've got your back if you've got my hand!

2008-01-22T01:27:00.001+11:00

high five me in the shoutbox.

come on, show me some skin.

HIGH FIVE ME.

2008-01-18T14:45:00.000+11:00

OH MAN I WISH I COULD PLAY FFXIII RIGHT NOW

Random~~~
But really. I am SO hyping for it right now, and it's not even going to come out this year. :sadface:

I'd seriously pre-order a special edition release of it if they do release one. I'll have to convince ma and Old Pop, of course, but with my puppy-dog eyes and eternal nagging, they'll give it...I hope.

But man.

I love my PS3. I just wish I had more RPGs to play on it. :sadface:

BORED

but i do not want to go back to school. D=

2008-01-03T22:54:00.000+11:00

My parents are watching such a violent Chinese drama show.

Every 5 minutes, there's some shooting and mob rioting. Bloodshed and bullets all over the place.

There was even a torture scene, which involved iron branding some poor mafia dude.

If they ever ban me from watching something cause it's too violent, I'm gonna just ban them from watching this show. HAH!

Bored~~~~

Christmas!

2007-12-26T01:27:00.000+11:00

Merry Christmas!

Went to the city with family. Drank a drink called "Dancing Violets". It's rose, violet, syrup, and ice. It tasted like perfume. I might die of poisoning soon. D=

Had a beeeeaauutiifulll walk through the city. Like, fantastic. Scenic. Gorgeous.

Happy birthday, Jesus. <3 Though I actually believe You're born in spring, heh, happy birthday in case it is your birthday! Nowhere in the Bible does it say 25 December, does it?

Rachel bought me a guitar book. Awesome possum, man. <3 her.

So, yes, Merry Christmas.

Hugs all around!

2007-12-16T00:32:00.000+11:00

....I'M A LOUSY BLOG UPDATER, OKAY, I KNOW IT.

BAH

SHUT UP

>:(

Trying to be productive. Not succeeding.

My left index finger is swollen. I dunno why. It might be a really really big mosquito bite, which is likely since it's kinda itchy, or a spider bit me and the poison is a slow-working venom that'll render me a lifeless vegetable by the end of the week.

Bring it on, spidey.

It's really swollen though. Can't play the guitar :(

bah humbug

2007-11-23T22:29:00.000+11:00

happy birthday Rachel. even though it doesn't feel like it, happy birthday.

now please stop crying.

2007-11-20T23:41:00.000+11:00

my history teacher says I write beautifully. WHY DOESN'T MY ENGLISH TEACHER THINK THAT TOO???? :(

I'm going to get glasses. the eye doctah said that my eye power is low, but i should get glasses to avoid straining. Woohoo, low power ftw! Hah, you'd think with all my computer/book usage, I'd be as blind as a bat. but nay, I am awesome.

Three more exams.

Shalalala! The science exam today was darn easy. the maths was not. :(:( I thought I was prepared...BUT I WASN'T! Oh gosh I hate myself.

:(:( sad panda.

it's 11:43, I've only covered 10% of what I need for my history exam tomorrow. aw, shucks.

so yes. pray. :)

Can't wait for exams to finish..then PS3 FIASTA!!!! SHALALALA IN THE MOOORNING!

panic attack, and dance inside

2007-11-18T20:12:00.000+11:00

exams start tomorrow. English and VisCom tomorrow.

pray for me? I need all the well-wishing I can get to boost my confidence. I can't afford to do badly.

i'm worried. very worried. I have a feeling I'm going to do crap in English. Essays and all that: I suck at them.

I'm frankly not stressed, but I'm just worried about the end-result. can't afford to get below a B. on any subject (save for PE, cause I'm going to fail that anyway :D)

wishing you were all here :(

Oh, and the Chronicles of Narnia game camera SUCKS.

that is all.

zomg, JOY TO THE WORLD!

2007-11-17T13:24:00.000+11:00

I love my dad. He just suddenly set up the PS3 last night, and I was hyperventilating all the way.

I thought he didn't buy me any games...but he did. 2 games.

1) Chronicles of Narnia. I don't know why he bought that since it wasn't on my list, but that's cool. I loved the book and the movie. Heard the game was crap, but I don't care. We played through a bit of the beginning, and I ran out of time and died already. ~_~ The gameplay is like a messier version of KH. Buttonmashing and all that jazz.

Oh, and to open doors in the game, you need to bash it about 4 times before it breaks down. My dad was like, "Why can't he just open them..." lololololol

2) Kingdom Hearts: Final Mix. ZOMG! Why is the Final Mix more special than the normal KH? This game has new scenes, a new secret ending, new enemies, new abilities, new weapons, fixed camera and new bosses. Oh, yes, happy face happy face!

Old Pop wouldn't let me play through it. I have to study first. Haih. But we popped the disc in to test it. When the Dearly Beloved song came on, my sister was all, "HEY! YOU PLAY THAT ON THE PIANO! ZOMG!"

And yes. Both of these games are original. OMG! The KH:FM is second-hand, but in really good condition. No scratches, the booklet that's in the case (it has lyrics to Simple and Clean, some character profiles, a bit of concept art, and some other stuff in it) is still perfect, and it all works like a dream. The CoN game is brand-new, and costed Old Pop only 10AUD. He bought it in Taiwan lah.

Now...the bad news. Both games are in Japanese. ~_~_~_~_~_~ Which is actually really funny to listen CoN in Jap. "PETAROOOO! SHINJIKI NO MEZAKITTU EDMONDU!" And KH is fine lah. I already know the story, and can always refer to walkthroughs to explain things to me. Also, maybe I'll learn some Jap from this! =O Awesome blossom.

My dad can read some Japanese. I was so surprised. I was playin CoN, and he just read off some of the instructions that were floating at the bottom of the screen for me. And I was all "Waaahhh?" And then he explained that Japanese and Chinese are really similar.

Time to learn Chinese!

Oh, and the PS3 is really beautiful. HD is gorgeous. My dad said that it was "really sharp, lah". I was just hyperventilating all the way.

Oh, and the controller is wireless. It's fantastic. I ran all around the house, testing whether the controller can still be sensed that far away, and it worked everywhere. Go, Sony, go!!!!

I'll take pics. Eventually. If you all ask nicely. =) Hahaha, nah, after my exams or something...that is, if I don't get stuck playing the PS3 forever and ever!

Now, I have to ask Old Pop to get Okami! <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

Edit: It seems that KH:FM is English spoken dialogue, but Japanese writing. Score! =)

Heaven's in front of me

2007-11-16T23:57:00.000+11:00

It's sitting there. In front of me. The image of sheer perfection is sitting in front of me. Oh, look at it. It's so beautiful. A wee bit on the large side, but it's what's inside that counts. Oh, inside's a treasure worth more than I have in my wallet (999AUD to be exact). It's tempting, it's too good to be true.

I can't wait to hold it. To see it. To jump around it in circles, chanting verses of praise and happiness. Oh glorious glory, wondrous wonder.

But I mustn't. I can't. I must wait. Now is not the time.

But once I'm done with my exam preparations...

Why harlo thar, you sexy thing. My name's Roanne. What's yours? Pardon, what was that? Oh, such a charming name. Playstation 3, you say? Nice to meet you. It's destiny for us to meet, I bet.

nostalgia era

2007-11-15T23:54:00.000+11:00

I suddenly want to play FF8 again. Nostalgia. I mean, it's actually not really that bad of a game. It's the first game to really make me feel something. In this case, it's fear. My gosh, Ultimecia and the whole time compression thing scared me so much I couldn't sleep at night. And the music. Oh gosh, the Fithos Lusec Wecos Vinosec chant frightened me for ages and I would always put mute on whenever that song played.

It's clearly suckier than FF9. But I still remember FF9 clearly. So no real nostalgia there. FF8 is where the nostalgia is at.

Actually, if I mentally Photoshop out Rinoa, the game is 2000 times better. I suppose I could do that. It's not like I even used her in battle. Haha, sucker.

Man, I really want to play it again. Some of the music, except for FLWV, was so awesome. Like Eyes on Me. WHY LIE, IT'S AWESOME. EVEN MY DAD LIKES IT. THOUGH ACTUALLY, HE LIKES IT BECAUSE OF FAYE WONG, NOT FF8. SO NVM.

And also, Selphia, Irvine, and Laguna are awesome. LAGOOONNAAAAAAA! <3

Oh, and Channel Ten has started replaying old Futurama episodes they showed just, like, ONE MONTH AGO. what the heck. Come on lah. There's so many of seasons of Futurama, yet they already start doing replays? Rubbish lah. RUBBISH! Futurama is awesome, but honestly just show me new stuff. Jerks.

Pray for my exams. I'm going to get really bad marks on English, but pass Maths with flying colors. Why? I don't know. I suddenly rock at maths and suck at writing essays. Oh gosh, this is horrible. I need AT LEAST a B+ in English or else my subjects for next year are screwed. SCREWED.

Currently listening to remixes of game music, anxiously wanting for dad to come home tomorrow with PS3, writing notes for my Systems subject, panicking about my upcoming exams that start on Monday, and drinking lovely lemonade. Who wouldn't want to be me?

okay you can stop looking yucky now

2007-11-04T21:47:00.000+11:00

my fingers are starting to look disgusting. i might be over-practicing the guitar, if that's even possible.

they look like old prunes with funky white stuff on it.

yuck.

i'd post a picture so you guys could see what i'm talking about, but it might induce vomitting. so i won't.

on the plus side = massively improving guitar playing. Still suck massively, but improving. HIGH FIVE ME, WORLD!

okelly-dokelly-doooooo

2007-11-03T00:18:00.000+11:00

today was an...interesting day. don't want to post about it. too lazy lah. haih.

hahah. did you know my school has a counselor? i had no idea she existed. =O!

my fingers have officially blistered from playing the guitar. I AM SO HAPPY AND PROUD! WORDS CANNOT EXPRESS MY SHEER JOY! My sissy fingers are starting man up and get tough. Boo-freaking-yaka!

Playing the guitar no longer hurts as much. and I'm get better at holding the strings properly. Smile smile smile happy happy happy.

I still suck at it though. Same with the piano. NVM. I still have fun. That's alllll that matters.

I HATE BLOGGER

2007-10-30T23:08:00.000+11:00

I HATE BLOGGERI HATE BLOGGERI HATE BLOGGERI HATE BLOGGERI HATE BLOGGERI HATE BLOGGERI HATE BLOGGERI HATE BLOGGERI HATE BLOGGERI HATE BLOGGER
I HATE BLOGGERI HATE BLOGGERI HATE BLOGGERI HATE BLOGGERI HATE BLOGGERI HATE BLOGGERI HATE BLOGGERI HATE BLOGGERI HATE BLOGGERI HATE BLOGGERI HATE BLOGGERI HATE BLOGGERI HATE BLOGGERI HATE BLOGGER
I HATE BLOGGERI HATE BLOGGERI HATE BLOGGERI HATE BLOGGER
I HATE BLOGGERI HATE BLOGGERI HATE BLOGGERI HATE BLOGGERI HATE BLOGGERI HATE BLOGGERI HATE BLOGGERI HATE BLOGGERI HATE BLOGGERI HATE BLOGGER
I HATE BLOGGERI HATE BLOGGERI HATE BLOGGERI HATE BLOGGER
I HATE BLOGGERI HATE BLOGGER

...I love being a Christian, Kudos to Julian, tango Satan, blah blah blah.

I HATE BLOGGERI HATE BLOGGER
I HATE BLOGGERI HATE BLOGGERI HATE BLOGGERI HATE BLOGGER
I HATE BLOGGERI HATE BLOGGERI HATE BLOGGERI HATE BLOGGERI HATE BLOGGERI HATE BLOGGERI HATE BLOGGERI HATE BLOGGERI HATE BLOGGERI HATE BLOGGER

the bubbles on top of my milo looks so pretty....

2007-10-25T22:45:00.000+10:00

Fudge it. I typed out a long post and got it deleted by accident. Fudge.

I am completely healthy. Just need to relax and rest more.

3 happy things today

I am completely healthy. HAHA TO YOU, DIABETES!
Milo + cereal squares = love
Almost mastered D chord on guitar. just need to press a little harder to stop buzzing.

2007-10-24T23:34:00.000+10:00

I have a something to confess. It's kind of a secret I've been keeping to myself for some time...frankly, I was a little ashamed of myself. I mean, I never thought I would...feel this way. But I've come to terms with it. So I shall share it with you guys.

I love Phil Collins's music. =O

I know. I know. "OMG YOU LIKE OLD MEN SONGS AHHA SUCKER"

But it's not MY fault he makes such awesome songs. Harumph. So many classics from this awesome man. So many original ands covers that I love.

My mama said
You cant hurry love
No, you'll just have to wait
She said love don't come easy
It's a game of give and take...

2007-10-22T00:00:00.001+10:00

Ladies and gentlemen, I've made a record today. I took - guess how long - to shower today. Take a guess. My usual one hour? No. 40 minutes? Nope. 30? Nah. 15? YES!
Yes, I somehow managed to take only 15 minutes to shower today. That's only...1/4 of my usual showering time. Someone high five me and my awesomeness.

It's getting hotter here. Right now, since it's nighttime, it's a nice coolish-warm temperature. But earlier in the afternoon, it was drier and warmer. Ick.

I'll get my blood test results back on Thursday. I dunno whether I'm hoping that it's all ok, or there's something wrong.

PROS of the day:

15 MINUTES!
Not so cold
I think - think - my old pop bought me a PS3 today! Cause he called me, and asked me what our TV brand was. He wanted to see whether he should buy the additional cables for the PS3 for HDMI thinggy-winggy. I am so pathetic when it comes to HDTV or whateverHDMIisrelatedto.
Went for a good walk with Rachel in the park today. Doggies everywhere! Yay! One doggy came up to me and licked my hand, and was so friendly and happy, and jumped on me. <3

CONS of the day:

Kinda hot. :(
School tomorrow
My laptop is dying. My faithful, trustworthy baby has been getting more and more errors and problems lately. Yesterday, the screen suddenly went black. Then, white, green and red pixels begin slowly and steadily appearing. It was kinda cool looking actually, but it freaked me out. My laptop is already nearing 4 years old, so I'm quite proud of its life and its service. All hail my great laptop. It deserves to finally rest. The problem, however, is me getting another laptop...old pop wouldn't like dishing out extra cash after buying me a PS3. :(
School tomorrow
School tomorrow
School tomorrow

Goodnight.

2007-10-16T21:54:00.000+10:00

I feel constantly tired. Every morning I wake up, instead of feeling refreshed, I feel like I've carried over yesterday's baggage. Everything I do just makes it worse. Everything I don't do makes it worse.

I feel so tired so often. Not every day. Some days I'm okay. But for the past few months, it's more often that I feel so fatigued than me feeling energetic. Nothing wakes me up. Loud music, my favorite show, playing the piano, going for a jog. Not even sugar.

I really am to tired to do anything. Even just thinking makes me tired. Talking soothes me a bit, but I always need a reprieve soon after that. Studying is just so hard. I find my mind wandering, and I can't concentrate on anything. It takes me hours to do something that sould only take 15 minutes.

I don't know what's wrong with me. Rachel's going to take me to the doctor tomorrow to see what she (yay for female doctors) says. I have a feeling she's just going to say that I need to sleep more. Or eat healthier. Or something that I already am trying to do.

This will sound stupid, but I want the doctor to diagnose something more serious. Like anemia. Or diabetes (which I'm actually at risk of getting since my grandpop has it). Or even depression. Anything. Cause then I'll know I'm not just a pathetic loser.

I really hate this. Whatever this is. I lie down to rest for just a few seconds, rise up and realize that hours has passed. And I'm still tired.

My sleep is always heavy, yet disturbed. No noise can wake me up, but I just find myself waking up constantly in the middle of night for no reason. No nightmares, no noises, nothing. I just wake up for no reason.

Typing is easy though. Hahahah. Like second nature already.

Time really depresses me. It passes so quickly, yet I never seem to get anywhere during it. I'm reading a passage, and takes me five minutes just to finish a sentence. My sleeping hours just seem so short. Despite the fact that I often lie in for, like, 12 hours on the weekends. It doesn't seem enough.

I have so little motivation to do anything. Most of what I do is either a necessity, or because I'm forcing myself to. I'm just too tired to want anything.

I never had headaches before this year. Seriously. I was so awesome that way. :) But this year, especially in the past few months, I've been getting them more frequently. I just want them to go away.

I'm just so tired. I really miss my dad nowadays. I don't know...I just wish he was here. He use to sing me a lullaby before I sleep. Chinese lullaby. Hah...it was kinda funny, but peaceful at the same time. I never once fell asleep while he was singing though. It wasn't sleep-inducing. It just calmed me and told me that he was there.

I want to sleep. I want to cry. I want to laugh. All at the same time. I don't know what's wrong with me. Hopefully, the doctor tomorrow will.

2007-10-03T14:59:00.000+10:00

F.I.R. IS AWESOME!

WO DE WEI XIAO NI MING BAI JIU HEN HAO.

...:)

(oh gosh i'm lame)

I think my dad likes this band also, cause I remember hearing him play some songs before. I think.

Maybe I can persuade him to buy the CDs. He probably will agree anyway...he approves of me learning Chinese in any way possible. Heheheheheheheheh.

WO YAO FEI

WHEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

~~~high on life~~~

2007-10-01T01:42:00.000+10:00

okay, I have no idea how to add a freaking shoutbox

the tutorial thinggy (http://www.shoutmix.com/main/help.php?view=Guides/blogger) says some rubbish about page elements. But I don't get that page. It brings me to the Edit Html page instead.

WHAT DO I DO, GUYS?

regrettable paris

2007-10-01T01:16:00.000+10:00

I hate checking people's blogs. I really hate it. I hate reading all the posts, long or short, and seeing the pictures. Especially the pictures.
a
Every post that details what happened during the day and every picture that shows what happened is a spoonful of misery for me.

No, nothing bad happened today. Everything went jolly fine, in fact. Mom didn't nag, Mom and Rachel didn't argue, I managed to get some work done, I cleaned up my laptop a bit, had fun on the piano, the whole nine yards. I'm not even listening to emo music. Unless you somehow think disco music is emo. In which case, you suck.

But reading the blogs...made me mournful.

Change.
change.
changE
cHANGe.

In all forms, in all styles, the word scares me. The very thought of it frightens me. I use to be afraid of it affecting me. Now, not so much.

But change that occurs without me being there to witness it...that is my new fear.

I miss everyone. I miss Nina. She's gone to Idaho now. Who the heck lives in Idaho. I forgot it was even a state. Now I just have to meet a person from Wyoming, and I can die peacefully. Somewhat.

Aunty Sharon got married! Good Lord, MARRIED. About time. She looked so pretty...in the photos.

So many things. So many changes. Weddings, farewells, birthdays, everything. And I'm not there to see it happen.

Even for people I don't know. Who I don't know because I'm not there.

Haha, mock emo post. It sounds a lot more emo than I really am.

But yeah, a lot of regrets. Moments of regrets snowballing into a lifetime of regret. Lost opportunities, bad choices and mistakes, broken dreams and hopes. Already at fourteen, the realization of half-failure and half-victory has sunken in. I will not achieve all of my dreams. I have lost many golden, shining opportunities for me to bloom and blossom. I lie here, now, pondering as to what to do.

One door shuts, another opens. But I must switch off the TV, get off the couch, and make my way towards the door before anything can happen.

I have so many dreams and wishes. And I, with my own foul choices, have broken so many of them. It is too late to fix them.

Now, this is an emo post. Bah.

On the brighter side, I'm trying to add a shoutbox. Wait up, people, and get ready to chat away in a wee-little box!

gah

2007-09-16T12:24:00.000+10:00

stress la wei.

~_~

all my teachers decided to make this coming week the DUE DATE WEEK for everything. I got a history oral presentation + history essay to pass up tomorrow, science test tomorrow, Systems oral presentation + brochure on tuesday, and geography powerpoint/movie thing on Wednesday.

WHY??????????

I really am doomed lah. I need another 500 more words for my history essay. WHICH IS DUE TOMORROW. I think I can manage to finish it tonight lah, if I cram a bit. But then I'll have no time for my Science revision. and there an entire section of Science that I have not read at all, thus have no idea about. I AM SCREWED

God help me. aiyo, aiyo, aiyo, AIYOOOOOO! STRESS STRESS STRESS STRESS STRESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

:( Okay, I need to vent now lah. After this blogpost, I continue studying then. CAUSE I'M SUCH A GOOD, HARD-WORKING GIRL. WHOSE PARENTS DON'T APPRECIATE.

bah. i'm cranky right now.

On Friday, I got my math's test result back. I got an A. It's the best result in Maths i ever got. I'm more of a C student in maths. So I was reaallly happy, you know...cause C to A is a nifty jump. My mom found out, and then asked me what my percentage was.
"80%"
"80% only??? ~_~"
Gah. I know it's not the best mark that I could've gotten, and that I should've studied harder. BUT STILL! "A"! Come on...some credit is in order here. Maths is my worst subject, and my mom can't even congratulate my first A.

Okay, I'll shut up about my grades now.

Two most exxxcellent news. Wait, three.

1) The holidays is coming up! next next week!
2) my birthday is coming up! Monday, first week of holiday! 24th! Did you guys remember? DID YOU???
3) I have only, like, 5-6 more PE lessons. THEN NO MORE FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER AND EVER AND EVEERRRRRR!!! HURRAH! THERE IS A LOVE! THERE IS A HOPE! THERE IS JUSTICE AND FAIRNESS AND AWESOMENESS FOR ONE AND ALL!!!!

Oh, and Soph is back in Malaysia. I feel sad. Very sad. I only managed to see her twice while she was here, but twice was enough to hang out with my old buddy again.

I DEDICATE THIS PORTION OF THIS BLOGPOST TO SOPHIRA CHONG YU FUN.
Sophira Chong. Yu Fun. Scary girl. Very scary. Sometimes you want to poke her in the eye, but you always restrain yourself. Awesome blossom person. Managed to somehow remain sane despite how many times I've ranted and vented to her. Morally strong. No, seriously.
I've never argued with her before. No, wait, I have. But I've never fought with her before. Actually, I haven't fought with anybody for a long time. Haha. But yeah, during the years of our friendship (only two years, right? though we sorta knew each other for longer, we were only close friends for two...), we've disagreed and teased each other peacefully. DO WE ROCK OR DO WE RAWK?
She has awesome shirts. Shoes also. But HOODIE SHIRTS MAN! HOOODIIIEEE! Awesome person to play a piano duet with. Why? Because she somehow makes you laugh despite how panicked and stress you are. (remember our introductory octopus arm wave, and your shirt measuring the keyboard?)
Sometimes you want to strangle her and get her to see your point of view/argument/problem. But in the end, you realize that you should just shut up and that no one cares about your geekly habits anyway.

Sophira Chong. Sophy-pophy. Soph Soph. SOOOOPHEEE. SOAP. lei hai fei zhai. I dunno how to spell lah.
Friend. Ally. Future mother of my future daughter-in-law (REMEMBER THE ARRANGE MARRIAGE AH! WYATT NEEDS A WIFE!). Sister. Stress-rant-bag. Silly-billy-goo-goo. Friend.

/end post dedication.

I should start writing post dedicated to mah friends. Good way to waste time and boost other people's ego.
I'll go one on Nina, Ms Cath, Vonn, Sarah...hmm...and other people lah. Too lazy to list you all. But yes, all of my kor kors and jie jies in the Siblinghood with get a separate post. ALL 6 OF MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS! <3

and then my other friends, who are equally awesome blossom. aiyo. So many. Now blogposting is making me stress. ~_~

Time to go stressing over history essay.

REMEMBER MY BIRTHDAY, YOU HALF-WITS! Hug Hug Hug.

2007-08-26T13:56:00.000+10:00

I HATE WRITING HISTORY ESSAYS

)=

...

D=

bow wow wowwwwww

2007-08-26T02:34:00.000+10:00

howdy!

something awesome happened today.

it's not really an event lah. but...my piano was suddenly so awesome.

kinda hard to say. but like, I watched a WHOLE bunch of piano videos on youtube, from Bleach songs to Final Fantasy, to Chinese rock arrangements...

some people are TOTALLY awesome. Like, their fingers fly everywhere and they're so poised and skilled.

but others...well...

I will just say that I am better than the average pianist. I'm not trying to brag. Okay, maybe I am. hahaha. I'm still not a good pianist, but slightly better than average.

But everyone, like, has bouncy fingers. I have non-bouncy fingers. I have stone fingers.

so, I played the piano just now. from watching ze videos, I picked up the bouncy-fingerness. It's totally AWESOME!

I never had so much fun on the piano in such a long time. I mean, I made a ton of mistakes as usual, but it was so much less painful than normal. cause normally, my fingers BANG the keys and it really hurts. It's sort of a habit lah.

but with the bouncing thing...it was so much funner. and i could play things slightly faster too!

and when I made a mistake, it wasn't so bad...because it didn't hurt as much, and I was having so much fun.

and another awesome thing? all throughout my playing, i was sitting up straight. we all know i got very bad hunchback lah, but somehow, while I was playing, I sat straight. Not pole straight lah, that'd be gay. but straight enough to look only very slightly hunchback. SCORE!!!!

and time really flew when I played. i was having so much fun that the minutes went by and I didn't even noticed. I played for an hour and half, 90 minutes, 1 1/2 hours NONSTOP. not even toilet/food breaks!

it was really awesome. I dunno. I felt like...seriously. it was just fun. i fell in love with all the pieces i play again. i learned how to play the piano again. I learned how to have fun with the piano again.

SCORE!!!!

now imagine if I had a grand piano. *droooooool* <3<3<3<3

I've never played on a grand piano before. never even sit before one before.

but nevermind. Plonk, my mighty electric piano, will serve me well for now. And I have played it well today.

score!

Hugs!

OH AND I KNOW HOW TO PLAY THE BEGINNING GUITAR PARTS OF 'INEVITABLE' BY ANBERLIN!!!!! <3<3>

swoosh swoosh

2007-08-09T22:08:00.000+10:00

AHAHAHAHAHA

MY ENGLISH TEACHER SAID THAT I'M A GOOD DIARY WRITER

AHAHAHAHAHAHA

<3

AHAHAHAHAHAH

cause, like, for the current novel we're working on, "Animal Farm", we have to choose some projects to do, four in total. I chose one where I have to write the diary of a cynical donkey. xD

When I told her that, she commented, "Alright, you're a good diary writer."

And I was all "O_o"

Last semester, we had to write another essay thing. I chose to do a diary one, and she liked it.

Thus.

I am a good diary writer.

....pity I'm a bad blog writer. =/

<3

*chocolate milk, chocolate milk, chocochocochoco milk!*

Okay, so I need to do this poster design thing for my Visual Communication Skills (let's just call it Art. ~_~) subject. I...can't draw. :(

Oh, and the holidays passed...AND I FORGOT ABOUT MY BLOG! =O Bugger...was meaning to change ze layout...I want it styled after my foobar2000. Incidentally, my foobar2000 is also incomplete. ~_~ FAIL!

Hug!

harlo

2007-06-23T00:44:00.000+10:00

RANDOM POST!

WAKAKKA!

YES I AM ALIVE

NO I WILL NOT UPDATE

WHAHAHA

STRAWBERRY MILK = <3

WOOT!

i want to learn Chinese so I can sing along with Chinese songs lah. haiyo.

ni si pen tan. okay, I dunno lah. my mom tried to teach me how to say "you are stupid." I think I got it wrong. but something like that. I can't remember. har har.

okay. so I dunno when Soph is going to burn down my house. =/ I'm scared.

is she here yet? aiyer, school already gonna start and she's still not here. what nonsense man.

oh, my mom is thinking of working again. =O
dunno whether that's a good thing.
either way, I shall be supportive. Go mommy! <3

She says that the money she earns is her own pocket money. D=
guess that means I get nothing. geez. I oughta get a percentage of her earnings. like, 100%. pfft.

aaahhh....hug!

this is the correlation of salvation and love

2007-05-22T22:29:00.000+10:00

bleh. feeling crappy.

it's just one of those days where while not EVERYTHING goes wrong, certain things just make your world crumble down pathetically.

i just want to hide under my covers, and never ever wake up. the world is such a scary place. i want to give up so badly.

can i?

please?

hello? hello?
alone. alone.

this is the end of everything I feel. is anyone out there who shares my pain?

depression is an unholy ghost.

is anybody out there? broken promises are left for lesser knowns and lost causes.

i just want to stop the world for a while, lie down in the middle of nowhere, a ROAD, or DISNEYLAND, or the INTERSTATE TOLL, or ANYWHERE, and just do nothing. Everything is passing by in a blur, with me not moving and missing everything: life.

I have a deep longing for life. A longing for life, more of it, like what Christ came to give us. Yet at the same time, a desire for death. a slumber that i can never ever be disturbed from. no alarm clocks to wake me.

i need to rest. I need time. Give me time. Give me hope. Time is hope.

tumbleweeds, darling, define my life. alone alone. hello hello?

I feel out of place. I feel...like a puzzle piece that doesn't belong to this particular picture. I just won't fit.
I don't belong here. Or anywhere, come to think of it. So then, perhaps I am at where I belong?

Anywhere, anywhere...
but anywhere...would be so much better, nicer, easier, lovelier...if you were all by my side. Or I at all your sides. That's where I belong: at the sides of my friends.

I've...got your back if you've got my hand.

Anything - as long as I'm with you guys - is nothing. Anywhere - as long as I'm with you guys - is okay.

But I'm not with you guys.

i need a hug. I need the sun. there's cold frost sweeping in over my heart - freaking weather -

i need to go to youth fellowship again. ~_~
need fellowship. need guidance towards God.

i wish I had some support. some guidance. someone HERE to nudge me along, reprimand my mistakes, praise my accomplishments, advise my situations. someone to hug me and let me know that they've got my back.

who.am.i? why.am.i.here?

hello hello?
alone. ALONE.

2007-05-12T23:12:00.000+10:00

Man. I fiddled around with the customizing template thinggy. And it's hard. =/

Eh, whatever. I'll fiddle more another time. Time to go waste time F5-ing #gamemp3s.

Howdy

2007-05-09T00:37:00.000+10:00

Random post. Proper one regarding Eminence coming who-knows-when.

Currently 12:39AM. Started studying at 4:30PM. Want to die at the moment.

Religion Outcome tomorrow. Regarding homosexuality. Not prepared. I cry.

Scholarship test Saturday. Not prepared. I cry.

Math Algebra test Thursday. Semi-prepare. I panic.

FUNKY SONG PLAYING RIGHT NOW, I GROOVE! Seriously, this song pwns. "Dreams of an Absolution"

But, yeah, stressing out and what am I doing? Blogging. Jeez. I fail at priorities.

Prayers would be appreciated. =) As always.

In school, somebody randomly called out to me "HEY YOU!" It was a boy from the St Kevins College. Cause, like, my school is having some musical/play thinggie (Pajama Game. Roflcopterz), and so cause obviously there has to be SOME MALLEESSS, they're here rehearsing. Funky.

Pajama Game seems to be coming out seriously nicely. Like, I can hear ze ensemble playing, and I'm just thinking "Wow, they should play some videogame songs. So pro, man." Really, sounds so pro. Heugh! AmaZING.

Okay. I part now. But now I make a vow: PRIORITIES.

That was a sucky vow. Lemme make another one.

PWNAGE OF SELF.

there. does that make sense? No? meh, I'm tired. give me a break. Oh, and look forward to some major blog designing. In...maybe...a few months...=)

HAPPINESS LIES TRAPS IN MISERY. ONLY YOU KNOW IF YOU'LL BE TOGETHER TONIGHT.

cause every night i'll be with you. cause every night i stay awake and dream...but every night, it just stays the same in my DREAM OF AN ABSOLUTION ------

and you'll see all you can be...cause everynight...! I will DREAM!

(One serving of Pwnage of self coming right up. Fries on the side? Take away? That'll be many sleepless nights, and random ramblings! Enjoy, and thank you! Come again!)

[PS MSCATH = Comments enabled for anyone. Spam away, matey, and scourge the seven seas!]

Wheeeeeeeeeee!

2007-03-12T17:41:00.001+11:00

Like, dude, new post for no reason!

Okay, so I was googling up my name...yesh, I'm that perasanted. Wakakakaka.

Well, so, my name pops up in blogs only. Dunno whether that's a good thing. But hey, my name pwns. YaRly.

Wheeeeeeee~~~~people write so many good things about me! =)
I should write good things about people! =)
....Never! =D

Okay, maybe I'll jot down a few notes on a few awesome people. Later. Or now. Nah, later.

I wish I had learnt Mandarin when I had the chance. I feel so lame, being able to speak only English. Pah. I'm a disgrace! Saya ialah...disgrace!

Bah. Humbug.

Och, nae, the interwebs is so empty to me right now. Soph + MsKat + Siblinghood are at worship retreat. And MiscPeople just don't come online at all. =(
Roanne am cry

Oh well. I need to go bathe. Wooooosh! WAY AND AWAY! FAREWELL, HUMANS! I'LL BE BACK!

Oho, I'm alive!

2007-03-01T20:57:00.000+11:00

Hark, a post! And written for the sake of a certain Miss Catherine...

Indeed, I live! It may have been almost 2 months since I last posted, but bebother and confusticate time.

School. is. tiring. Like. Really. Tiring.

I mean, reeeallly......I don't get bucketloads of homework every night, but I do wish I didn't have so many things due....

Like tomorrow, I have an English essay thinggy due, and also my Religion Outcome has to be done. Note: Religion Outcome is similar to an essay or an exam, and I haven't even begun my notes on it.

I'm doomed.

I'll be doing tomorrow's outcome on plastic surgery. Or self-perception. Both, really.

You don't really care about my homework, do you?

Nevermind. I shall end this post with various notes.

Note #1: Never ever ever ever read "Maestro" by Peter Goldsworthy. I have to read it for English. And I hate the book. Sex scenes galore, occasional swearing, and just plain stupidity all in this book.

Note #2: I can't wait for my Anberlin CDs to arrive! Phweeeee! Anberlin FOR THE WIN!

Note #3: Google is useless when searching for generic and common terms, e.g. chocolate, maestro, etc.

Note #4: Rawr. Miss you. Rawr. Hugs! I love you all thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis much. Bya bya

Rawr

2007-01-17T19:56:00.000+11:00

I want to update my blog....

.....but I am oh-so-lazy. =)

(Sorry, Soph)

Korowa is scary. =(

Exams are scary. =(

I don't like scary. =(

Blackouts are scary. =(

Lack of electricity is scary. =(

Lack of cold air is scary. =(

I don't like Australian weather. =(

Hugs, however, aren't scary and are awesome. So = give yourself a hug! <3>

And if you don't, I'll give you one! <3

And even if you do give yourself a hug, I'll give you another one! <3

Whee, I love you all!

2006-12-06T02:25:00.000+11:00

Tuesday was awesome. I love my friends. Major huggies to all of you.

I'm gonna miss all you guys so much. In one hour, it'll be 12, midnight. And then it will be my last full day in Malaysia.

It only hit me today, during the afternoon, that things can't really be the same. I mean. Some people have to be spoken to in real life, or it'll be boring.

I don't like change. Whenever people ask me what my worst fear is, I'd reply with "change". Change is something so unpredictable. You can't like it, it's just not possible.

You don't know what's gonna happen. You don't know whether this "change" is for better or for worse. You don't know anything. It's just one big empty void right now. And the moment you take a step into it, you see everything. And you're frightened.

You're frightened of how you're gonna fit into your environment. You don't know whether people will like you. You're worried about every single detail. Why? Because you don't know anything.

Change is one huge mess. But then...change doesn't have to be scary. As long as you have people by your side.

"I've got your back if you've got my hand."

That's my motto. That's my way of life. Well, one of my many "ways of life". If you stand by my side and guide me through problems, I'll be right behind you, pushing you forward.

And I do have people holding my hand. Many of them. Friends from a long time ago = Sarah, Nina, Grace, Zoe, Vonn. Friends from just maybe a year or two = Brandon, Julian, Sophira, Benedict, Jon Roberts, Josh. And newly made friends who still mean the world to me = Kelvin, Shoon Fai.
And this isn't including everyone who I'd like to list. One person who comes to mind as a real helper, a person I can talk philosophically with, a friend who I can connect to, in jest, in problems, in everything = Miss Catherine.

Sarah's another amazing friend. Scary, very scary at times. But hey, she's always there to knock common sense into me. "roaaaanne, he's not good enough for you"

Nina's another person. We've argued so much about pretty much everything. And now, when we talk, all we talk about is our future and dreams. Something that's so important. "Yeah, let's conquer the world. I want America!"

And Soph. Come on, you were expecting this, weren't you? Pretty much everyone thinks we're best friends. And maybe we are. I don't know. But what I know is that she's someone who I'll keep for a long time. "You can be shy person who wants to dominate the world what. [soft voice] mwehe, I want world domination, mwehe"

And Roberts? MOST HUGABLE PERSON EVAR! He's like a giant teddybear! And I love teddybears! He's a real awesome bloke. Gah, I wanna hug him one more time. His lame humor is always what I need to cheer myself up. If I'm feeling down, I would just have to talk to him and I'll smile again. Something about his disposition, his cheeriness, his kindness really puts a smile on my face. And come on, who can't love his lameness? "hunting with the fox for the hound..."

I guess I could go on and on. In fact, I already have. But everything I have to say can be summed up in these words = I have found True Friends and they are RIGHT BESIDE ME

On Tuesday, during the farewell gathering, I had to go home earlier, at 6:30. I was in Soph's room alone, transferring the pictures. Roberts came in and went, "Roanne, you're leaving? How can you leave now? I mean, what kind of farewell is it if you're not here?"
There was something in his voice that made him sound almost miserable. It made me even sadder that I had to leave.
Later, when ALL OF US, went down to greet my dad, I couldn't help but feel loved. They were all there for ME! They were all walking with me to ask my dad to let me stay longer. They were all awesome.

Brandon once said something really awesome about me. "Even though she's far away, she's still our little mei mei."

I could say the same for everyone here. Even though you're not sitting next to me right now, even though we're not talking right now, you're still holding my hand.

And so, this might be my last blog post made in Malaysia. But if that's the case, then so be it. Because it doesn't matter where I write. What matters is what I write. It's still written by me, Roanne Lau the Great. Roanne Lau, the little milo-drinking girl with a penchant for hugging, the midget whose best friend is her laptop and her true love her good download rates [I kid, I kid], the person who is holding your hand. Yes, yours. No, not you, creepy stalker reading this random blog.

Thank you for everything. Thank you, I love you all, God bless. Remember, look to the sky and you'll see me! We all share the same sun and sky, no matter where we are. And lastly....HUG!

2006-11-18T00:27:00.003+11:00

YESASIA HAS SHIPPED MY ORDER

COMMENCE PARTY TIME

....

...

:D

Seriously, they shipped it out! Four days ahead of time! The expected date was suppose to be the 21st!

I <3 YesAsia. Now, I just have to hope that free shipping also gives you tracking numbers. Because, ya know, I'm paranoid and need to see whether my order is coming or not. Rawr.

2006-11-15T00:19:00.000+11:00

Just changed the title of my blog. Like it? Blame Geoffrey Chaucer and Sophira. Rawr

YesAsia, work with me here!

Okami, I love you!

Rachel, stop reading over my shoulder!

Awards Night, come slower!

...
...
...
HUG!

2006-11-07T01:34:00.000+11:00

My sister is back from Australia! MEGA-YAYS!

We were at the airport for ages, looking for my sister. Finally, my mom turned to me and goes, "Hey, is that Rachel there?"

...I think I need glasses. Cause I couldn't make out the face. Kyahahah. BUT IT WAS MY SISTER! MEGA-WOOTS!

Hehehe, she brought me Cadbury! Yay!

Oh, and she couldn't bring me my bush hat, or my webcam, OR her external harddrive. Thanks a lot, sis. Yeah, thanks a lot.

Man, finally, after all these months, SHE'S BACK! IN RED + BLACK!

Oh, Old Pop seems to allow me to order online. I shall rewind time for your information

STOP REWIND PLAY REWIND PLAY

"Dad?" Roanne said hesistantly, half-afraid to bring up the topic.
"Hmm?" He replied, his eyes peeled to the road. And maybe his handphone.
"Remember last time, when I asked whether I could order online?" She gave a great sigh. Finally, the question that had been nagging her for days had came out. The burden had left her.

Alas, Old Pop has serious hearing problems and needed the question to be repeated two more times before he heard it all.

"No, you can't order..." Somewhere in the abyss of her mind, Roanne could hear the echoes of her upset cries.
"...yet. Wait till you're in Australia." AND HOPE IS REKINDLED!
"But why?" As happy as she was at the positive answer, Roanne was a very impatient girl. "The shipping will be longer to there. Here, it'll take only two weeks max."
"No, that's only in the U.S. Overseas, it'll take much longer." Dad had a point. But, Roanne had done her research and easily dispelled his argument.
"This site is based in Hong Kong, actually. So it'll be faster to deliver here in Malaysia then to Australia or U.S." Roanne declared proudly. Obviously, spending hours reading and re-reading the FAQs at the site had paid off.
"Oh? How much is the shipping?"
"Free!" She announced, eager to continue boasting of all the greatness that YesAsia had to offer.
"But what about the tax?"
Tax? What tax? The little girl's mind began to whirl around, trying to recall anything about a tax. She remembered something like "Value-added Tax" or some other nonsense, but nothing really "tax-y"
...oh dear.....
"Well, I'll let you see the site later, lah." The girl replied finally. If you don't have an answer, let someone else answer it for you.

PAUSE FORWARD FORWARD PLAY BEEP BEEP ERROR READING FILE PLEASE DOWNLOAD APPROPRIATE CODEC WOOPS MY MISTAKE YOU DO HAVE A CODEC FORWARD FORWARD PLAY

Squee! Sister's back, and I can order! I daresay this is awesome. But just *how* much I can order, I know naught. He might limit me severely to such a budget that I can't buy ANYTHING. Or he can be a loving, generous, and awesome father and let me buy everything I want. Man, he's gonna be broke if he does that.

Maybe he'll let me buy up to RM500. HOPE WITH ME, FELLOW READERS!

RM500 is more than enough to buy the FF3 OST, DoC-FF7-Limited Edition OST, and the Okami Original Soundtrack (notice how Okami got all the proper terms, Soph?) PLUS other mini-albums that I have my eyes set on!

....excuse me as I go and get my Cadbury from my darling sister. <3

FILE COMPLETED BEEP STOP STOP EXIT EXIT BAIL OUT NOW

2006-10-24T00:25:00.000+10:00

Screw you, sendspace. Screw you straight to the land of screwed up upload services.

My gosh, that site is RIDICULOUSLY ANNOYING.

The only good thing about it is that its layout is blue. Other than that, IT'S PURE EVIL.

I never was fond of it. But in the past, I did quite like it because it didn't have annoying ads.

But now. Now it has pop-ups. Annoying ones. Were they always there? Perverted, irritating ads. Die.

And the lack of upload slots! My golly gutentag, it hates me! "There are no free download slots available."

BASTARDS. LET ME DOWNLOAD THIS. PLEASE.

And their whole "free sendspace Max!" thing. What a farce. I need 10,000 points to get it free. But they won't allow you to get more than 5 points in one day. So I'd need 2,000 days to get enough points. 2,000 friggin days! How many years is that? Far too many!

And the lack of 'guaranteed resume support'! Good grief, that is stupid. Not only am I forced to repeatedly refresh the page in hopes that I get a download slot, I'm going to have to REDOWNLOAD the file if it my modem disconnects!

Who's the smartass behind sendspace? I wanna kill him. Or her. Or it. I refuse to believe any human being[s] is capable of such stupidity.

You'd think they'd have some 'exception' rules. Like, if the file is under 50 MB, GUARANTEED SLOTS FOR ALL! Or at least resume support for everyone and everything.

But nooooo...."Upgrade to sendspace Max! Save an amazing $48.00! Blah blah blah lies lies lies give us all your money blah blah blah."

I hate you sendspace. Die

2006-10-09T01:43:00.000+10:00

Dear Daddykins,

Please let me order online.

Love,
Roanne Lau the Great

My gosh, I really wish I could order online. Oh. The joy I would have. If I could just have one, just one videogame soundtrack, that would be enough. It'll be the first step to having an ELITE collections, where I can truly join the ranks of high Geekdom.

Also, it would be a giant milestone for the Daughters of Lau. A small mark of freedom. A large leap for joy. A major decrease in Dad's bank account.

Truly, to receive something through the post...that would make me smile, laugh, and scream in supreme happiness.

Now, SOMEBODY BUY ME AN EXTERNAL HARDDRIVE, PLEASE, I'LL GIVE YOU MY FIRSTBORN SON, CAUSE RIGHT NOW, MY BUILT-IN HARDDISKS ARE, LIKE, GETTING RAPED BY MY CONSTANT DOWNLOADING.

(Okami for the win)

2006-09-26T01:44:00.000+10:00

Birthday = yesterday. Badminton = tomorrow. Day of Excellence = Friday.

I'M DOOOOOOMED! I CANNA PLAY TO ZANARKAND PERFECTLY YET! EGADS, WHY WHY WHY
DIE DIE DIE
BYE BYE BYE

Eh heh heh...I need to go practice more soon. My fingers cry after the hard part. = (

Julian scares me.

No comment.

THE END.

2006-08-17T23:03:00.000+10:00

Bwahahahaha.

Today, Grace had to use my desk to use my cable thinggy to synchronize her work. Why not use her own desk? Jon Ong was there, clacking away at DotA.

So, Grace (with my permission) closed the lid of my laptop and did her job, while I watched Jon.
Later, I forgot that my laptop was not properly shut off or even on standby. I asked Soph to pack for me since I was playing Warcraft myself (I love the soundtrack. THERE ARE CHOIRS. CHOIRS!)

So when I went back home, I read the newspaper (ZOMG, THEY TALKED ABOUT BITTORRENT IN THE STAR-TECH SECTION! AND AZUREUS IS MENTIONED! ZOMG!) and then opened up my laptop to do some extra maths.

And lo and behold! The thing was freakin BURNING...well, not burning per se. But it was horrendously HOT. I couldn't hold it properly. I quickly grabbed it out and flopped it to my bed as gently as I could while trying to not burn the shit out of my fingers.

I flicked open the screen, and the battery was flat. I quickly ejected my DVD drive to let it cool invidually (I am so smart).

I was so worried that something, wires or something else, had burnt. So when I start up my laptop hours later, I was praying fervently.

...and then the scariest thing happened. A weird tinny noise was coming out of my laptop, as the drive was buzzing its way to life.

A
WEIRD
TINNY
NOISE

That's like a huge scary sign telling you that something has screwed with you laptop. Or maybe with its sound system.

So, when I finally realized the weird, tinny noise was making a melody, a jazzy one at that, it occured to me that my Windows Media Player was on, and that it wasn't paused when Grace shut the cover.

Ho hum. Scary to me.

Oh, and Soph and I practiced today again. Wooteh! Practiced the piano, that is. We play B-E-A-UTIFULLY! Well, yes and no.

Yes = It's the optimistic answer, and we're already almost through page 1
No = I could just be biased, and we could suck majorly, AND we keep doing other things when we're supposed to be practicing. SOPH, STOP PLAYING TO ZANARKAND WHEN WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE PLAYING E~MOL&W!!!!

Eh heh heh...so, Brandon is gonna play Melodies of Life while I'm gonna play To Zanarkand. I MUST WIN WITH MY BEAUTIFUL SONG!...=(

But Brandon plays AWESOMELY. But he messed up alot when he played the song in front of me. Now, either he isn't as awesome as I thought, or I make people nervous.
If it's the former: =)
If it's the latter: =D

So, it's all a win-win thing. Wheeeeee!!!!

Oh, and I gave Jon Ong some videogame music for his handphone. He says I have good taste in music. But then, I gave him mostly Metal Gear Solid songs, so OBVIOUSLY everyone loves them. D'oh, MGS FOR THE WIN!!!
......
.......
..
...
.....
...
.....

I love you, Harry Gregson-Williams

2006-08-02T23:56:00.000+10:00

Woooooooo, an update! Huzzah! Kingdoms may come, towers may fall, lives may shatter,
BUT I HAVE UPDATED!

Hah, when was the last time I posted something? Months ago? Woot, I am the laziest
blogger alive!

Ah, not much to post, anyhoo. I am currently downloading, as per usual. The RIAA are
gonna hunt me down soon, shhhhhh...Truthfully, I try to avoid downloading popular items. Which is why if you were to look at my 'To Download' list, you would only see weird stuff. Like Final Fantasy Ultimania guides, or videogame music, or Irish folk music. You know, stuff that's
relatively hard or expensive to obtain. I tend to stay away from modern media for 2
reasons: to be fair to the artist/actors and also because most modern stuff are crap.
No, really. Crap. HOLLYWOOD FOR THE LOSE, BOO!

The most 'modern' thing I'm downloading at the moment is 'Take the Lead'. And I'm
downloading that only because Sophira requested it. I hope I'm downloading a good
quality one...pfft...whatever. I can redownload another torrent if it sucks. XD
I truly am...THE DOWNLOADER! I gotta make up a theme song for myself soon. I want
something very funky and old-fashioned. Something similar to the cheesy, eccentric
sounds of The Incredibles OST. Hmm...

Oh, and I love Masashi Hamauzu. He may be already married (confirmed), very ugly
(unconfirmed, as I have yet to see a picture of him), and whathaveyou, but his music
totally rock. Ah, his inventive chord progression and fascinating, colorful style is
so addictive. But then, I am a dork. WOOT FOR VIDEOGAME MUSIC! Really, you'd think videogame music is lame and whatnot. But it's seriously not. In fact, it's a very diverse medium that should be explored by ALL. ALL. THAT INCLUDES YOU. Go download some Final Fantasy, Unlimited Saga, or Metal Gear Solid soundtracks. You will see the light then! See the light!

And another awesome thing about Sir Hamauzu: he's a brilliant arranger for the piano.
He takes complex, almost messy and jumbled songs, and transforms them into enjoyable,
beautiful songs for the piano. THE PIANO. Meaning that I can play it! Wheeeeeeee!
And he's not only awesome with the piano; he's just plain A-W-E-S-O-M-E with the
entire orchestra! And not just orchestral songs, tack on techno to the list! Well, I don't think he's exactly wonderful with techno, but it's fairly enjoyable and peaceful. But his orchestral songs are the shiznit. Whatever shiznit is.

Bah, I'm done rambling. Here are just a few random notes to a few random people:

Rachel Lau: YOU FOOL! YOU FOOLISH FOOL! BUY ME AN EXTERNAL HARDDRIVE! Oh, yah, don't do drugs, Iloveyoublahblahblah, be careful, buy me an external hard drive, and study
hard. Toodle-lah, Rah-ree-ray-roo-roo.

Sophira Chong: I'm bored. Dunno if you even still check this. FF9 OST. Keep hoping
for my modem. Pookie XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD

Bah, I'm gonna continue looking for things to download. Bya, y'all.

2006-06-07T17:35:00.000+10:00

This is just a short note:

Holy crap, I just posted an uber long post! :I seriously need to stop talking so much.

2006-06-07T17:31:00.000+10:00

Ah, again, I'm writing this while I should be doing my work. Bugger, who the hell cares about 'graph alignment' and whatnot?

I should update my blog regularly, right? Baaaaaahhhhh...does anyone even check this? If they do, I'd like them to post a comment. Yes, I'm talking to YOU! Go clicky on the comment thing and post something to let me know that you exist and that you're reading this.
I don't expect you to keep commenting frequently or anything. I just want to know who my audience are, right now. Bah.

Bah. Humbug. What's a humbug?

I finished reading 'The Starthorn Tree' last night. I feel so...complete now. Woo-hoo, booyaka! Awesome book, awesome read, horrible ending. I'm sorry, Sophira, but I detest the ending.
In just one split second, the book ends. IT HAS NOTHING CONCLUSIVE ABOUT THE FUTURE! I like complete conclusions, thank you very much.

Of course, if Kate Forsyth would write a sequel, then I'd excuse the rushed ending. Man, I want a sequel to 'The Starthorn Tree'!!!

Durrik pwns you all. Ya rly.

I want to change the layout for this blog. I already have a design in mind, but I won't be able to work on it until after the holidays.
Why?

This Friday, I have a friggin' huge exam to take. It'll test whether my English and Maths are on par with the Australian standards.

Milords and miladies, a prayer request from me? Pray that I won't fail miserably! I mean, if I don't pass, I don't really mind actually. But I just don't want to fail too bad, so bad that it'll embarrass me and my family, ya know?

After that Friday, I'm going to finally have my REAL holiday. I'm going to go outside my house and run around screaming, "AKALALAALALALA!".
I'm going to stay far away from my laptop most of the time. I've been straining my eyes for the past two weeks, so I can now hardly see 5 feet away. Okay, it's not that bad. But my eyesight has seriously deteriorated.
Interestingly, I think that I'm getting long-sighted instead of short-sighted. Coooooool...well, no, not cool. But uniqqqquueee....

So:
Friday = huge exam, might go to Zoe's party plan thinggy

Saturday = relaxation! At least two hours of outdoors goodness. I'm gonna walk around Monterez with my mom...I don't think she'll mind walking with me. She usually likes those walks, but never takes them often because me and my sister won't go with her.
Later, I'll probably use the internet! Well, of course I will. But I think that I'm gonna spend an hour working on my story! WOO-HOO! Story updates galore!

Sunday = This day is gonna be a good day. At least, if it goes according to plan. Wake up, eat, stretch, maybe walk around outside for a while. And then...The Lord of the Rings marathon! WOOHOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Oh man, it's been ages since I watched those shows! I mean, just thinking about those lovely films makes me wish Sunday would come quickly. REVIVE MY LOVE FOR ENDORENNA!
After watching, I'll probably work on my story again. I mean, after watching epic films, or reading excellent fantasy stories, I usually gain some inspiration. YEAH!

wait, wait, lemme plan Sunday out better. 3 LotR films. As I'm going to be watching the Special Extended Edition (yes, I'm bragging that I own them right now) for all three of them, it's gonna take a heck of a lot of hours!

...Oh my golly gutentag. It's gonna take me approximately over 11 hours to watch them all. Wow. Just wow.

Dude...if only I could watch it with someone else. That'll be fun. I mean, LotR is a treat on its own. But there's nothing like watching your favorite movie with your friend(s).

I feel so lonely. Oh well. LOTR FTW!
I might not watch all three films, I suppose. But I'm definitely going to watch 'The Fellowship of the Ring'. After that, I'll see whether I can stand watching 'The Two Towers' and then 'The Return of the King'.

You know, The Lord of the Rings is one of the few films that can make me cry. Heh heh. I mean, really cry. Usually, if a film has some sad part, I'd laugh. Don't ask me why, it's like a reflex of sorts.

But when I comes to The Lord of the Rings...I'm crying buckets. LotR is not a happy film. Whoever says it is should be shot.
Frodo, Gandalf, and the elves are leaving Middle-earth. The hobbits and the dwarves are fading. Only men are surviving and being prominent.

The Lord of the Rings is all about pain, grief, and sadness. But along with that, there's moral, hope, and most importantly, bonds. Friends, lovers, families, enemies.

When it all comes down to this, I'd just like everyone to know that you all mean a lot to me. You all pwn and rock in your own way.
I'm talking to everyone by the way. Even people I don't know. Because somehow, major or minor, something you did have just affected me in some way. Everything we do have some consequences of sorts. And it affects other people.
So, I'm gonna blame all of you when bad stuff happen to me.

2006-05-30T02:35:00.000+10:00

Okay, yah, I'm writing this when I should be doing my work. But, pfft, I'm not keen on working.

I was reading today's newspaper. The earthquake. Gosh, the earthquake! 4,611 people died, and about 200,000 are homeless.
It's devastating. Ever since I started really reading the newspapers, I've became more grateful for my life.

To those who died, rest in peace. To those who are alive, live in peace. You don't know healing or redemption until you've felt pain.

I'm glad that Malaysia is helping out the victims and whatnot. Malaysia boleh, woohoo! According to the list, Malaysia has sent out some doctors and others, along with medicine and blankets and whatnot.

The US has also sent $2,500,000 I think. I'm typing all this from memory, so I'm probably wrong. But I do remember that they meant to give much less, like $500,000.

China, Canada, and Singapore also gave some aid. One thing that I was wondering about when I was reading that article was: 'WHERE THE HECK IS AUSTRALIA???'

No, really. Where the heck is Australia, and why aren't they doing anything? Pfft, disgraceful. Ya, rly.

Ah, Malaysia boleh, indeed.

There was another article in the newspaper regarding a widow. Her husband died, and she has three sons to take care of, and she's basically broke, etc.
Someone donated cash to her and pledged to support her children's education. AND he remained anonymous.

So, not only is he being generous, he's also being humble and modest. Isn't there some verse in the Bible that says that you shouldn't boast about the stuff you did? Something like that?

It's these cases of generosity and kindness that restores my faith in mankind. It really brings a smile on my face to see these kind of things. Big donations, small helping hands, whatever: it's just very comforting to know that there's still some chivalry and some good in this world.

Gotta keep the faith in good, people!

In all those pages in the newspapers, you can read of horrible things. Rape, kidnappings, murders, earthquakes, tsunami, hurricanes, death, you name it! But search carefully throughout the pages, and you can see some good: a kind and generous donor, countries lending a helping hand, friends celebrating the marriage of two, and sometimes there's an inspirational article.

It's like life, really. Don't look at the big picture: everything will clutter up and it'll look as if they're all fighting for some attention.
But look at the details, each little thing. There's hardwork and there's some emotions poured into each little thing.

When the world began, it began good. But time brings corruption, and that's what happened.
So instead of being good, the world turned evil and baaaaad. But if you look closely, not just at mankind in general, you can see friendly smiles, helping hands, and caring people.

Aye, 'tis a beautiful world if you perceive it to be. Have faith, and an observant eye.

2006-05-03T03:22:00.000+10:00

Roanne <--- useless.

That pretty much sums up this entire post.
How am I useless? Well, if it isn't blatantly obvious to you, allow me to list it all.

1) This blog itself. What, do I even really post here? I never update the damn skin? Heck, no cool crap for you, the bored reader, to screw around with? Man, I suck.

2) Schoolwork. Damn you, algebra. May you burn in the everlasting flames of the underworld, alongside with lawyers, insurance agents, and that Malay punk who said that divorced women were "gatal".
On the other hand, I gotta thank the 'gatal' guy for something. He taught me a new Malay word. Whoop-dee-doo.

3) Laziness to even have fun. Gosh. I'm pathetic. I'm too lazy to even talk to anyone, or watch a movie, or whatever. I bet that I'm going to die from starvation. I'll probably die 10 feet away from my kitchen too.

4) Inability to learn something new. Piano? Pssht, play it later. Maya? Pssht, learn what the hell a NURB is later.

5) Stupidity to not do easy stuff that'll benefit me. Why am I always sick? Simple: I don't take care of myself. Ack. Serves me right, I guess. Nyum-nyum, to quote the bouncing Ancient.

6) My DAMN NOVEL. GOSH! Rawr.

Out of all these, #6 is the one that's bugging me right now. It's been a few days since I updated my novel. My updates are few and far inbetween.

Honestly, my novel depresses me. I love writing it, but all the technical details suck.
Writing is not easy. Repeat after me: writing is not easy. If you think it is, I advise you to write a novel with 50,000 words in one month. Hah, just try it!

I did attempt to do that, writing to the NaNoWriMo guidelines. Needless to say, I didn't finish it. Heck, I only got up to 2,000 words on the deadline.

Either way, I'm still writing that novel. Yay-may. Rawr.
And it sucks. Horrendously. Sometimes, I get scared to open the document because I'm afraid of what I might read. There are a few scenes that I'm quite pleased with, but with all the lameness that I see...eek.

What's bugging me right now is my novel's direction. Do I want it to be epic style? You know, something that's heavily fantasy, and with a sort of otherworldly elegance. Yes, like LotR.
My story is...fantasy/sci-fi. Yuck. Is that a good mix? A nice combo? Or is it destined to suck? Urgh. Burn.

...you know, now that I think of it, it's not really sci-fi. I mean, it isn't set in a medieval setting, but it's not actually that technologically advanced.

Hah, maybe I can scratch off the word 'sci-fi' then.

Erm, to return to the origin, I've been bitten by the epic bug. I now have the sudden urge to write fantastic stories of heroes and morals, or wars and worlds. In other words, I want to write like Tolkien, and make a LotR carbon copy. Hah.
But you know, just by watching LotR or Narnia or whatnot, I just want to create something as creative as that.

Wait. The keyword there is 'creative'. I should redefine creativity by myself, not follow some other person's footsteps!

Ah. I feel much better.

On a completely unrelated topic, I am exceedingly pissed off at my laptop's wireless. MUST YOU KEEP RESETTING AND DISCONNECTING? BURN!

2006-04-23T21:48:00.000+10:00

ZOMG, LYK, I NOW HAV A BL0G!

Heh...blame Sophira.

Anyway, I have no idea what to type here...
I could act like an emo and post dumb, dramatic poems regarding how cruel life is.

Oh, cruel sun the shines in the sky!
That blinds my horrible eye!
Oh, how I suck!
Shut up, you duck!

...yeah, I can't rhyme to save my life.

I'm bored!

Oh, and it turns out I can go to Yvonne's Reunion thinggy. Thanks to FF7, I can't think about Reunion the same way...

Anyway, I made a deal with my mom. I could go to the Reunion as long as I sell my soul and my very livelihood.
Okay, so I'm being dramatic. But anyway, I can't go online on Monday and Tuesday. Instead, I have to focus on my Math for my stupid assessment test on Friday. Screw you, assessment test. Screw you, Australian Education.

Argh...man...I'm trading MY DARLING INTERNET TIME just to spend time with my friends. Dude, I'm desperate. Internet...I'm going to miss you.

Gosh. I'm crabby right now. Rawr. I need Internet. I need life. I need MORE HARDDRIVE SPACE, ZOMG! Only 4.09 GB left...I'm so dead.

How did it get so full? The worst thing is that I actually want everything in my laptop. I guess that means I'm going to have to burn them to a cd or something.

And my comp has been acting weird...one minute it's working perfectly, the speed is excellent, etc. The next, it's as slow as a dead turtle.

Grar...my sister is annoying. She whines about the dumbest things. Okay, maybe I'm just crabby right now. Which I am. Rawr...

Okay. Now I'm really pissed off. Laptop's keep jamming up every five seconds (I counted and recounted and checked a few times), and the modem has overheated, which means I have to go downstairs and reset it. And, a program that I was using jammed up. So I had to just end it...and lose all of my data. Rawr.

Rawr.
Rawr.
Rawr.
Goes the lion in the jungle.
Rawr.

On a completely unrelated note, I love Azureus, the BitTorrent client. It rocks. I swear. You can customize practically everything, and it shows you everything you need to know about what you're downloading. Plus, they have really cute smilies. :D
Anyway, Azureus truly rocks. Use it. I love it.
I was downloading a game on the -- OMG, OWWWWW! Sorry...my laptop let out some static. Heh...

Anyway, I was downloading a game with BitTorrent, the client. A few weeks, and it's stuck on 30%. I switched over to Azureus, started my download from 0%, and it's at 59.2% right now. All in just 2 days. By Jove, I love Azureus.

Whoa...total mood swing. At first, I was acting retarded (still am, really), and then crabby, and now peaceful. Man, I suck.

Ahh...I need a new layout. O_0
Okay, pre-made layout, or something I made? I'm kind of lazy, so I'll probably get a pre-made one...but then, I want to make my own.
Ah, whatever. Not like I can make one since I'm going to NOT BE ABLE TO USE THE INTERNET FOR A FEW DAYS!

My apologies, I'm rather spastic. Hmm...I feel like playing the piano. I figured out how to play a bit of 'Eyes On Me'. The song's really easy, actually.
But then, considering the fact that I suck at the piano and I can't play by ear, I think that's pretty good.

You know what song I really wanna play on the piano? Metal Gear Solid Main Theme. Man, I love that song. On the other hand, the song is better for multiple instruments and some techno blips...so...maybe it wouldn't sound so nice on the piano.

Bugger. ZOMG, THE PHONE IS RINGING! OMG, HANG UP! EEK! I hate phones!
Oh, it was for me.

Heh.

Erm, nothing much to say...I shall now go and disturb my sister. Woohoo.